DD14 sent "photos" to boy - what to do??

[SilverLining]

That's it really! Just found out my 14 year old DD has been sending photos of herself in various stages of undress to a boy - what on earth do I do?? I can't quite believe it - just didn't see it happening....

Firstly, the photos need to be deleted off her phone. Then if I was you, I'd call the boy and also tell him the photos need deleting off his phone or anywhere they are saved as it is illegal child porn.
How did you find out?

have a read of this
www.mumsnet.com/teenagers/sexting-advice-for-parents
It has advice on what you can do. I would be confiscating the phone, though (replace it with a nokia brick or similar if she is going out and needs to contact you), and explaining to her clearly why this is wrong.

Is he local? I would honestly go to the house and ask the parents to show you them being deleted, they can do this socially distant and I would want proof.

I would take my daughters phone for however long you think is suitable and explain why she can not be sending them and she has to demonstrate understanding and some maturity to earn her phone back.

Teens are so thick when it comes to these things they dont seem to think it through and consider the consequences at all. Also be sure she wasn't pressured into it.

Her sister found out and told us. She has deleted them all and messaged the boy who said he hasn't got them but I'm sure they will have been passed round by now

I’m so sorry you have had the shock of your life over this.

I regularly deal with this kind of situation at work. I would advise, that if at all possible you contact the recipients’ caregivers or parents and ask for the images to be removed. This may be difficult but it is important that the young people see that the adults have noticed and are transparent about what has happened. The recipients‘ parents may be full of righteous indignation, but rarely in over 50 cases I have dealt with, do young women send unsolicited pictures and the parents of the boy need to know what has occurred, what is in his possession.

I know this is contentious, but please sit your daughter down and ask for all passwords etc and systematically go through her accounts, preferably with her. Has there been coercion? Is there pressure? What has she been accessing online? As distressing as it is, discussions now can help her make better choices in the future.

As a parent you need to be gentle on yourself, unfortunately many young people from the best of homes, with the most loving parents, see this behaviour as normal ( I know, she will have had warnings and education, but in the heat of hormonal privacy things often go awry and with devastating consequences).

As adults we are dealing with a change in societal norms for our children because of technology. I don’t believe the educational/parental messages have any sway in the privacy of teen bedrooms when they are looking for acceptance and or in the first flush of hormonal infatuation. Now is the time for you showing love, discussion, transparency and taking control as much as you can despite the probable howls of teenage protestation.

I feel for all parents who find this, hot chocolate and plain speaking for your daughter, probably a stiff drink for you once she has cried and is safely asleep. Damage limitation, love and acceptance she has stuffed up but will survive is your way through.

@toria658 gives very good advice.

I think an emphasis on potential consequences is important but stay away from any kind of shaming, shock, judgement. No one would choose for this to have happened but try to look at it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship by being a safe place for your daughter to deal with this.

Thanks so much - great advice and really appreciated.
We’re working through it all and I think deep down she is glad we have found out - my heart is breaking for her but we’re trying to get her to understand, thanks again - large glass of wine for me tonight....

I think you need to have that conversation with her and go through her phone while she is theRe.
You also need to speak to the boys parents and have them do the same and delete the pics.
It makes me sick..the young men just send messages like 'nudes?' As though the girls are obliged. I have seen it for myself.

Distributing pornographic images if children is a criminal offence.

Agree get photos both ends deleted.

Work with DD to find out why she felt the need to do this. Explain law. Confiscate phone.

Also read up on the law. If the boys parents decide to report to the police you need to know what you're dealing with.

A friend had a good way of controlling the phone. She used at old one and had the daughters Apple ID loaded along with her apps. She couldn't download any without mum doing it. She could see all the traffic on the phone.

Your daughter has committed a crime by circulating sexual images of a minor, even if it was her. I'd get a policeman to give her a talk, that'll stop it ever happening again...the shame

Is this boy someone she knows, or could it possibly be an adult posing as a child? If he is significantly older or she doesn’t know him in real life, you need to go to the police.

Either way, contact the safeguarding officer at school - it's unlikely she is the only one of her peer group drawn into this and you could be able to protect someone else's child.

It may be better not to contact the boys' parents yourself as your DD has technically committed a crime, as has he if he has shared the images, and they may react badly in trying to protect their DS. You also need to revisit unsupervised internet access for DD and any siblings.

Whatever else you do, do not share the images.

I don't like the idea of having the phone copied on another iPhone. I think it's lazy parenting. Kids will always find a way around it.

Better to instill values, self respect, confidence, honesty etc

If it helps, I'll admit that I did this at the same age Luckily it wasn't circulated and now I'm probably one of the only people I know of my age who refuses to send them to my partner.

I don't think you need to get the police to talk to her - not all police are good with these things and they may make her feel dirty and small.

Go though the law with her yourself. Remove the phone and make her use a dumb phone for a while. Contact the boys parents and ask the mum to remove them from his phone and check his messages to see if they've been sent round.

You need to report the person for having child porn ASAP.

Ok, this is really quite serious. Does she know this boy. Can you contact his parents are they in the same school?

Schools have had to become used to dealing with this sort of issue on a regular basis and if you needed additional support and can't get in touch with his parents but he's at school with her then they should be able to help. Yes even though they are not physically at school at the moment. I say this as what can happen as it then gets spread (the photos) all his friends. This can escalate rather quickly. Try and sort it ASAP.

Do you know the boy she sent them to?

Thanks everyone - I do appreciate you all taking the time to reply. It is definitely someone she knows. We're working our way through it all but I am very grateful for all the advice

Hi there. I just want to advice you that taking her phone or punishing her may not be the best way to go about fixing this situation. I reccomend you dont take her phone but rather TEACH her how to use it appropriatly. Punishing your child and making her feel ashamed of herself is not going to make her happy- which is ultimately the main goal for our children to be happy. I dont think its a good idea to guilt her when she was exploring herself but obviously it is scary and illegal so just teach her the dangers of doing it