12 year old (about to be 13) son behaviour.

[Frozenveggista]

Hi I need a bit of advice. My 12 year old ans I just seem to clash every day atm. We have two younger D.C. and the flat refusal to do x or y is beginning to spread between them.
He does his school work, homework no probs ans is engaged he even does a bit of extra on top per day- around an hour- I know that’s great and I’m obvs really happy about that. Has a limit of 3 hours screen time per day that’s every day. He just won’t leave the house without a fight. Literally every single ask I him to go for a walk with us or a trip to the park or shop or anything at all he just kicks off. It starts with asking to stay home, I will go myself later, which he won’t actually do independently, and I have to then remember along with everything else to chase him up- I inevitably forget. He used to be very sporty won’t do any now. I end up taking away screen time in response to his tantrums about going out, and each tantrum ruins the trip I was planning anyway. My youngest child gets very upset to see him seething and upset, and I end up shouting and threatening- saying things like no x box or no phone etc. But the behaviour doesn’t change. So today another eruption over going for a short walk to town. As soon as I said fine no x box then he says I’m sorry I will go, by which time I’m fuming, the trip is ruined the youngest is in tears and I know full well he is not actually sorry he just knows he needs to say sorry and comply to get what he wants. So today I’ve just said your not sorry at all. No screen time go to your room.
I feel bloody awful.i can’t just allow him to stay in every day and I shouldn’t have to, it’s not hard to leave the house for half an hour.
I’m considering changing our screen time plan and saying that screen time only happens if work is done for school and he has either been out with us or gone for a walk or run himself near by because at least then he knows he has to do what is needed before he gets the option of screen time rather than me feeling like I’m constantly taking things from him to punish him. Any advice is welcome.

Is there a reason he won’t leave the house, fear of being bullied or catching the virus ?

I’d try persuasion and try to understand why he won’t leave the house.

Do you leave the WiFi on when you go out if he gets to stay behind?

If his option is you can come with us or stay behind with no WiFi would that make a difference or is he just embarrassed at the family walk in case his mates see him (in which case he could cycle or walk ahead?) or is he scared of catching CV?

Or is it something else.

When we first locked down I thought maybe it was anxiety about the virus, we had a chat and tbh I think it was a normal level of rational worry and interest but a bit of lack of understanding- I’d say normal and what youd expect. Now I think he would just rather sleep, get his work done and sit on the x box. I know he misses friends etc so we have organised a few socially distanced garden meet ups for him so hopefully that will help. I think he’d just rather chill out at home and there’s no incentive to leave the house.

At aged 12 nearly 13 it is not cool to hang out with your parents and younger siblings, and they certainly don’t want to just go to the shops! Does it matter if he stays behind if you go to the shops?

Why are you trying to drag a teen out? They prefer to hide in their rooms. I’d leave him. He’s going through the kidnapped by aliens phase

They come back at about 18.

I think he’d just rather chill out at home and there’s no incentive to leave the house.

Why can't he? He's right, it's pointless and boring and unless he needs or struggling with his mental health or weight... what is the point of it?

Just because people say you must go out? There's this strange obsession with going out every single day whether you want to or not ,just for the sake of it.

It's bonkers.

He sounds quite normal to me. He certainly shouldn't be pushed into going out if he doesn't want to. It's good that he does his school work.

I think we all have to realise that we have been 'locked in' so far for three months and, out of a lifetime, three months is nothing.

Things will gradually reach some sort of normality and he'll be going out with friends soon enough, probably back at school in September.

it sounds like you need to give him more choice about the daily excursion/outside time. Work with him to have a plan how he's going to get out a bit. Give him as much control as you can within the requirement. Go with the line that you'd be an irresponsible parent if you didn't get him out in the fresh air most days , so how does he propose to make sure that time happens. You can set a target like 1 hour uninterrupted outside; he can propose how that will happen. When, what he'll be doing, etc.

I would count larking around in the garden as time out of the house. Try to make the target very easy to meet, and ideally nothing where he's actually counting minutes.

Go with the line that you'd be an irresponsible parent if you didn't get him out in the fresh air most days

Why?

I don’t understand either, why can’t you just let him stay in? Why are you forcing him to go out?

Go with the line that you'd be an irresponsible parent if you didn't get him out in the fresh air most days

Eh, what now? I don’t think even an eight year old would buy that never mind one nearly fourteen.

have you tried talking to him calmly, to try to find out why he doesn't want to go out. what about his father.
does he go on screens when you are out.
try to relax, let it go. i doubt it will harm him.
can you send him out to buy something for the family, or are you in the middle of nowhere.
perhaps if he sees he is making a contribution, being useful, his attitude might shift.
do you have a garden, can you get him involved there, to at least get some fresh air. can he help the younger ones play in the garden, maybe construct something, a den, tent, pretend fort....
treat him like an ally, not a stubborn donkey.
also i've read on here before, there is a way of talking to people, to get them involved in doing something with you helping, without either demanding that they do it, or pleading.

you kind of assume they are involved and divide up the task, eg i'll hold the duvet, have you got a grip on the cover.
i haven't put it very well. anyone ?

I find the "I'd be irresponsible if I let you do that" line quite effective.

Teenagers like it. It means you care. It makes the discussion about principles not personalities or Who Is The Boss. They like knowing what the limits & principles are. Teens are extremely idealist, after all. Even if their priority is rebelling against the boundaries, they like knowing just where the boundaries are to push against.

They may argue fiercely about it, but they will work with you on defining best principles as long as they think you're sincere in wanting to achieve the ideal outcome. Did I mention that Teens are hopeless romantic idealists?

Did I mention that Teens are hopeless romantic idealists

Not when they need to go out and look uncool in front of their mates when they’d rather be in, and she wouldn’t be irresponsible to let him stay in, and he will know it. Many of us have teenagers, they may be young but they aren’t daft.

To be honest OP, if he's engaging well with his schoolwork and doing an hour extra on top every day, I'd say you're winning compared to most parents of teens at the moment! Maybe cut him a bit of slack when it comes to going for a walk.

What's the principle behind "you must go out every day"?

Is there an absolute need for him to go with you? Forcing him just breeds resentment and legitimizes his behaviour (to him). I would present it as an option then let it go if he refuses. He's at the age where they start to pull away from you and have their own social lives. If this was normal times then he would be physically seeing his friends, but now his socialising is online. If it wouldn't have been a big deal for him to choose to go out with his friends rather than you before, then why should it be an issue now?

My DM was very much the 'we must do things together' parent and it meant that I missed out on hanging out with my friends and having that common social bond that can feel crucial to a teen.