Does my 16 y/o DD despise me?

[CEB1979]

I feel that all of a sudden, my DD age 16.5 hates me and everything that I am!!!
The biggest issue that I have with this is that up until 3 months ago, She had been a complete angel. So lovely, sociable, helpful, reasonable, not so much as door slammed!!!! (I could count on one hand anyway).
She took lockdown badly and suffered bad anxiety for the first time ever also. She felt that all her hard work for GCSE had gone to waste, plus also the disappointment of a non prom, music festival, leaders assembly. The little world and the promise of ‘her best year yet’ had gone up in smoke. We talked it through, she talked with a counsellor friend of mine and eventually she seemed to be turning a corner. She was smiling again and almost back to her old self.
Anyway, for the past 2 weeks or so, she’s just been awful to me. So sensitive, I can’t say anything right!!! I’m trying so hard to give her space, pamper her a bit with new make up etc but nothing works! She spends 50:50 time with me and her dad/step mum. When she came back from her dads she barely spoke a word to me for days. The most annoying bloody bit is that she thinks dad and his wife are just wonderful!!!!!

Apologies for the long rant but it’s just so upsetting and worrying. I feel like I’ve lost my sparkly, funny DD and buddy. We used to laugh til we cried.
Any experience of this would be great. Thank you 😊

No, she doesn't despise you - you're the only one who she can take her frustrations out on just now - bet she wouldn't dare try that with "wonderful" dad and step mum

If her basic nature is to be sunny and lovely, that will return once things get back to normal. Give her space and time but also, let her know (calmly) not to give you shit- you're human too.

Do you think she might benefit from another chat with your counsellor friend?

No, it's developmentally normal. Don't take it too personally, don't be her emotional punchbag, but keep supporting and offering time. She's doing some growing up and separating and will come back to you.

She doesn't hate you. This is a shit time for older teens in particular. And I agree that you have drawn the short straw being the one she can show her true feelings to! And let's face it, its natural for teens to hate us, so they can separate themselves off from us and gradually become their own person.

I've no idea how best to react to it really (except to try and keep calm, which is not easy) but I just wanted to say that my DD behaves in pretty much the same way towards me too. Everything I do is wrong (including breathing). It's been getting me down for quite a while actually as I have started walking with dread wondering what today's arguments will be like .

And she is so ultra sensitive, any slight comment such as "pick up your plate please and take it in to the kitchen" is met with such a hugely offended reaction, I can't work out if she is genuinely feeling really bad or it's an effective strategy to get out of housework!

waking with dread ( not walking!)

I'm having this with my formerly charming son. I can't speak to him with him hating me for it. It's wearing thin. Fortunately his older sister, who also went through this phase, Is very nice to me so it makes up a bit for DS just being a wee shit. I feel you OP xx

Thank you all. This is my first post and it’s lovely to hear that people are having the same. I think it’s come as a shock because she has literally been ‘perfect’. And my husband has pointed out to me that she’s 16, has never had a boyfriend, smoked or drink too much, stays in revising pretty much all of the time, (pre this), and that for a teen, we are pretty lucky. I appreciate all this, it’s just the death glares and the ‘WHY ARE SO HAVING A GO AY EVERY SINGLE THING I DO???????’ etc.
I do think it’s mixed in with the non GCSEs thing and general anxiety and I have tried to help as best I know how but like Laure said, I’m a safe place to vent.
Thanks again lovely people xx

My DD2 (also 16) has been a bit like this recently too. I’ve found that she seems to be more pleasant when she’s been spending time hanging out with her sister (18) or having socially distanced meetings with friends. Perhaps your DD misses that - does she have siblings or friends to spend time with or is she an only child?

Sorry no advice but I am having the same with my dd 14, overnight as soon as lockdown began, she hates me. She is usually hardworking -now won't do anything. Says she doesn't care and its all my fault. SO just to say you're not alone and hopefully they will come out of it

@CEB1979 handhold at 16/17 everything is mums fault. We even caused the covid19. You are so very lucky you got to this age my dd1 started at 15.

teens hate parents, their parents know nothing, and are really out of touch. it wears off by the time they are about 25.. dc started at 7 and is still going. early developer obviously! must be gifted... his language is certainly very advanced.. fecking autism

The most annoying bloody bit is that she thinks dad and his wife are just wonderful!!!!!

She loves her dad and might love her step mom, but you are failing to see the reality. She takes her emotions out on you because you are her ultimate safe place. Please don't doubt how much she loves you, even if she isn't showing it right now. Subconsciously, she knows that no matter how miserable she might be right now, you will always be there to love her and accept her. Don't take this phase of her life personally.

I have this too OP my DD is 15 I am still married and living with her and her dad. I have been looking at old photos of her recently and I so miss her happy bright smiling face and her kind lovely nature.
Now she shouts at me, swears at me, slams the door on me, mimics me, tells me off for smiling at her, or if she catches me glancing in her general direction, she complains if I sing, talk to her or try to (trying to get a conversation going is like getting blood out of a stone), slates me for my brightly coloured clothes, curly hair, footwear etc etc etc. Basically everything....I think she would love to live in her pig sty bedroom, looking a mess and to have nothing further to do with me or she behaves as such.
I think lockdown has affected her badly. I think she feels hard done by missing so much school and friends her own age and she is worried for her future.
Sometimes she is grumpy to DH but usually I am the bad guy. Quite often he can get away with a smile and a joke but no way can I. I am still here still telling her I love her, care about her and still trying to show an interest in her, her schoolwork and her friends. Its a thankless task being a parent of a teen DD in lockdown or it certainly is in my house.

Same here. My DD is 14 and I feel like I've lost her completely 😭. I feel like I'm grieving and keep bursting into tears which obviously isnt helping at all. I miss her so much, and I'm gutted that I can't do anything right any more.

Oh I’m sorry for those of you going through the same (if not worse) things but it’s gives me comfort so thank you!!!! It is like a type of grief yes. Not so long ago she was like a limpet, following me everywhere (first born and always commanded lots of attention). I used to encourage her to go for a nice bath just so I could have half an hours respite! That was only a few months ago.
I’d give anything to have those days back.
I’m just hoping I’ll get ‘her’ back.
Roll on September, I think it will be easier for them all when they hopefully get back to school/college xxx

Same here too

It’s heartbreaking. I rang parentline in tears. They said that this was the bulk of their calls right now.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Same here! 17 year old Dd and I can't do anything right.

She even managed to turn my compliment into something negative this weekend! That takes some doing.

I'm just trying not to take it too personally and taking some comfort from it being fairly typical at their age.

We can overcome. And if we can't overcome, we can endure

I don't have teens yet but vividly remember being one. It's a crap stage of life IMO. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place and you're trying to figure out your way. I remember my friends being like my family.

I was chatting to my sister yesterday about how awful lockdown must be for teens. Just at that stage of life where the last people on earth you want to be with is your parents, you're stuck in your house with them 24/7. They are not only missing the fun stuff, but also the exams which they've been working for years to do well in (and which they have been drilled to believe are the be all and end all for their future). There's all sorts of experiences they are missing out on "forever", like prom/last day at school etc., whereas most of us are missing day to day things which we will be able to make up or postpone. This is probably not particularly helpful for you OP, but try not to take it personally. She will come back again, its just a lot to cope with at the moment probably.

You're right. I do remember vividly thinking how much more I liked my friends than my family. I just hope that changes in time... I still don't like them that much and I'm mid 40's!

But how do we ensure they come back? Some mothers have amazing relationships with their daughters (eventually) some really don’t and it’s impossible to see what’s happened. How do we, as mothers, ensure this intense dislike from our teens doesn’t go into adulthood?

At age 14, my son decided to live with his father and his father's new family. He said it was more "fun" with them. It broke my heart. I assumed it meant that he didn't love me and that I'd mucked up parenting big time. I reacted badly and our relationship suffered hugely.

Why is this relevant? Because I unconsciously assumed that his map of the world was the same as mine, that he intended the emotional impact of his actions, that it was about me. It's taken me a long time to realise that he was both emotionally immature and conflicted, and that he was so secure in our relationship that it didn't occur to him that alienating me was a risk - I should have been proud of that.

Maybe that's what's happening for you now? She knows you'll always be there for her, so, as others have said, you are her safe space to vent. Her behaviour may be triggered by something you say or do, but it is not about you. Her sense of herself is evolving while she's cut off from the support network of time with her friends and everything she might have expected to be doing.

Take a deep breath and remember that, like those sleepless nights in the early days, it won't last forever. Good luck!

No advice but really struggling with this too. Just had a huge bust up with dd as I can't take it anymore. It is very difficult for them but it is also for us. I wish she chose to confide in me and tell me how upset she feels as opposed to using me and her siblings as punch bags.

I do feel that it's OK to ignore snarky comments and let things go but there is a line and when they cross it is really hard to accept.

Yes I also let a lot of things go during lockdown but things came to ahead a fortnight ago when I contacted DD age 15’s school to check up on how she was progressing with schoolwork.
I think sometimes they are testing us.
Mine had her first online Teams session today. Only 3 of them tuned in but I think it did her good (her mood was certainly improver afterwards) and she is having another one in another subject on Thursday. It only took the school 12 weeks to set this up!!

Struggling with this too just now, DD16 wants to go and live at her boyfriends house. She clashes with me and DH all the time, left school in Feb and works but is furloughed just now. Won't lift a finger in the house and me and DH have still been working throughout lockdown. Don't know what to do other than to let her go and hope she see's things differently later

I actually just searched 'Mumsnet Teens' to post almost exactly the same thing re DS. I feel like he hates me, DH and DD right now.

I know things have been really tough on him but he's gone from this lovely, happy lad into a horrible, constantly grumpy victim. He has it easy compared to lots of teens his age, but of course he thinks the world is against him.

I try to leave him be as much as possible but still check in with him so that he feels included and loved, even though he doesn't seem to want me anywhere near him.

Another one in agreement. Dd is so fed up and I think we are the venting point. She claims she doesn't mean to speak in such a horrible way but everything is bitchy that comes out if her mouth. I know she's fed up. She was so looking forward to the prom and the long holidays. She was even looking forward to taking her GCSEs. What now for them? So I can see why she's fed up but wish she would talk to me instead of making me feel like it's all my fault.