DD boyfriend

[JRAR2010]

My 17 yr old has been seeing a boy in the older year, for about 4 months he is 18 (apparently there not boyfriend girlfriend!!) we have met him quite a few times as he came here before lockdown. they obviously didn’t se each other for quite a while but are now meeting in the garden and for walks etc. He seems nice. He is polite friendly and on one hand treats her really well, so FaceTimes her most nights Etc. But he says he doesn't want anyone to know they are together. People do as she has obviously told her friends and in school people just find out. However she was quite upset tonight as he told her he was snap chatting a girl (Ill call her sarah) who he has previously been “talking to”. That didn’t bother her until he said that sarah had apparently heard that he and my daughter were seeIng each other And so He told Sarah that my DD and he were just friends and there is nothing going on. This is not the first time he has done this, if he is with his friends and they bump into each other he might smile but wont say hello. If I say anything she tells m to is non of my business but I don’t think it is a particularly nice of him to treat her like that. She got the guts to say something to him a few weeks ago, he seems to say the right things so it is all good but then he does it again. Should I just leave her to sort it out herself or should I try to help her see that she deserve to be treated well and with some respect. Or am I over reacting. As I don't have boys I done quit understand them!

I agree he isn’t treating her with respect and seems incredibly immature. But you’ve told your daughter what you think and maybe her friends will say the same. I wouldn’t say anything else now because she needs to reach the conclusion herself.

I have a 16 dd and it took me a while to understand the ‘new’ way of dating today. It seems that whilst in the ‘talking’ stage teenage boys might ‘talk’ to more than one girl at the same time. Only when they become ‘exclusive’, usually by the boy asking the girl to be his girlfriend, does this change.

I agree with you that this boy does seem to be leading your dd on and is enjoying having the benefits of ‘talking’ to a number of girls. However, as they are not officially a couple, your dd has obviously decided she’s ok with the relationship as it stands. It’s a tricky situation in lockdown at the minute and your dd probably enjoys the chat and having a boy to talk to. It doesn’t sound as if he’s going to make things official with your dd at the moment and if I were her, I wouldn’t like being ignored in public. You’ve done the right thing by saying what you think, but I agree with @wishfultinkerer that she’s got to reach the decision herself about how she wants to proceed. I’ve bought my dd Greg Behrendt’s book ‘He’s Just Not that Into You’ which is a lighthearted read about understanding males and the excuses they make when dating.

@JRAR2010 unfortunately this is the way boys and girls go on now.
They x
then text
then facetime
then ask to go steady and only then when the boy asks to be his girlfriend are they exclusive.
It's so bloody complicated
They could finish on a Monday and be with someone new on the Tuesday no tears in pillow like back in my day.
My dd go me to collect her and a new boy not at boyfriend stage yet last night so I asked him up today as she went to his a couple times. So she busy now getting ready.
I hope he does not let her down like her formal date did in November. But she went ahead and he had brought another girl to formal that had been best friends with my dd the year before but they fell out.
So boys and girls can both be mean.

Thanks Guys. It seems so much more complicated these days. My DD is pretty loyal to friends and to whoever she is ‘talking. To’ she wouldn’t lead anyone on and if wasn’t interested would let them know before she Started talking to someone else. I think it’s really hard for them to know or where they stand with each other and just seems like an excuse for some people to behave however they want in a relationship and get away with it! On your advice I have said nothing to my daughter but I think her friends have. In her eyes she seems to think that although they are not g/f b/f that they are exclusive or whatever The word is! She said if he kissed someone else now she would consider that he had cheated on her. But I don’t think she has had that conversation with him and is sacred to do so as she doesn’t want to come across as being clingy ( which she isn’t) it needy- which she isn’t. It certainly a way to mess with teenagers heads. And I think girls who are more emotional are more likely to be effected. I wouldn’t want to be 17 and dating now!!!

I’m glad that your dd’s friends seem to have given her some advice. My dd and I were in a disagreement last year when a boy who had a long-term girlfriend was messaging my dd and trying to talk her. I advised my dd to tell him to stop contacting her immediately. However, my dd liked the attention and having a boy to message so disregarded my advice! She did eventually tell him to stop contacting her, but the situation did get a bit out of hand - after a number of weeks of secret messaging, she eventually got so upset that he was talking to her all evening on snapchat and then ignoring her in school that she blocked him. She said afterwards that she knew my advice was right, but she didn’t want to listen to me because she had developed feelings for him. It’s so easy with different social media channels for boys to talk to lots of girls. It also works the other way around though and my dd tells me about girls who message boys with girlfriends.

Just be there for your dd when things go wrong. Your dd will have listened to your advice, but she will have to learn the hard way I think like my dd. It’s a learning curve for all teenagers going through early relationships. Hopefully once things are more normal after lockdown she’ll meet other boys to distract her. I’m so pleased social media wasn’t around when I was a teenager.

Couldn’t agree more re social media. It’s hard to watch to start d back and watch knowing they may well get hurt. She has been hurt by her last 2 boyfriends. She lost her virginity to 1 and then he finished with her by text 2 days later ( she had been going out with him for 9 months) she only told me about 2 months after. I was so upset for her, shocked she had lost virginity, and so angry with the boys who was also a family friend!! Then the other cheated on her with several girls. So I was kind of hoping she might find a good one this time! Although she did say to me in the car this afternoon that she was going to talk to him next time she saw him. I just Said that might be a good idea and that it shouldn’t always be boys who decide how a relationship is going and if she wanted more than he did then she had to decide whether to stick with it or not and that decision was hers to make. The thing is we have been here before and he does seem to manipulate the situation to his advantage! But Maybe I am jut being to protective! Sorry to keep rambling this is my first ever time in mumsnet! I’ll stop typing and adding to your comment now!! Thanks