Y10 son dropping behind/ won't engage with schoolwork

[ConnellWaldronsChain]

I am at my wit's end with my 15yo Y10 DS

He has no SEN that we are aware of and is well above average intelligence but is pathologically lazy and just can't be arsed with anything. We have had issues with his behavior at school (underachieving, not doing work set in class, rolling his eyes at teachers etc) since about Y6 and he is almost permanently 'on report' but it has little effect. He isn't directly rude to teachers but clearly gets their backs up with his attitude and indifference.

We was just about been getting by til lockdown, I've always managed to get him to school (bloody difficult getting him out of bed but we have always made it clear that school attendance is not negotiable) but now he is supposedly 'home schooling' things have really gone to shit. I WFH so have limited capacity to support him but am trying my best. He will be returning to school for 1 day a week from w/c 15th June til the end of summer term. His teachers are setting work (via email and Microsoft teams) which I am printing out etc to try to make things easy for him but he just can't be arsed and does less than the bear minimum.

He does not seem depressed or anxious and denies any problems if we ask. He will promise to improve if we sit him don't and give him a lecture about the likely impact of this on his future but nothing ever changes.

Myself and his Dad and DD who is Y12 are all hardworking, energetic types so really struggle to relate to his laziness and lack of get up and go.

Any advice??

What does he do all day? Does he have hobbies or play sport? (Pre lockdown)

He's not really a team sports person by loves mountain biking and skiing. He has never liking 'clubs' though and prefers to do his own things. Skiing obviously isn't something he can do in UK but he will go out on his bike and mess around in the woods etc but he would never agree to join a cycling club or anything like that. He is good at racquet sports and shows a real flare for table tennis so I bought a table before lockdown but he hasn't played much.

He can happily while away hours in his bedroom watching YouTube videos, playing Xbox or sleeping (his sleep pattern has really gone to pot!)

Use a carrot rather than a stick - what can he earn by doing his work? Internet minutes? Use of gadgets? What floats his boat?

Yes you're right he does respond better to bribery and threats just tend to make him dig his heels in further and refuse to engage

DD y10 is getting behind with her schoolwork. I emailed school on Monday and she is much more behind than we thought. We are both working from home. We try to encourage her to put her phone on charge at 10 and no IT in her room. We are noisy on a morning so she gets up around 9. I am encouraging her and kind of bribing her with small amounts of tasty snacks throughout the day if she seems to be making an effort with her schoolwork.
Its not easy for us or them.
Not really any consolation but one of DD’s teachers said over 50% of kids in her year have a low submission rate of schoolwork.

I'm in in the same situation with my son 😩

To be frank year 10 need to be working hard now if they're going to do well next year. It will be difficult enough for them with missing so much teaching- so they need to be working and revising.

DD is in year 10 and we're expecting her to be following the same routine she would be at school- so that means following her usual timetable from 9am-3pm (obviously including breaks and lunch). She is then allowed a break and a snack etc, but we also expect her to do 2 hours of 'homework' and revision each evening during the week.

It does help that DD's school is been really good at offering live online lessons etc, but I do think as parents we should be cajoling (and laying down the law if necessary) as they're just not mature enough at that age to realise the importance of working.

I also think it's really important that they get into a routine of working hard and doing revision as that will be necessary in year 11 (it certainly was for DS1 and DS2).

“DD is in year 10 and we're expecting her to be following the same routine she would be at school- so that means following her usual timetable from 9am-3pm (obviously including breaks and lunch). She is then allowed a break and a snack etc, but we also expect her to do 2 hours of 'homework' and revision each evening during the week.”

To be honest I find this hard to believe but if you think it helps the op then ok...

FrenchSeal Well yes exactly which is why I started the thread!

I would be as smug as you if I just had my Y12 DD who is very conscientious and steadily getting on with all the work that is set but DS is a completely different personality and doesn't seem to care about academic success whatsoever

I know what he needs to be doing and was hoping for advice on how to get him to do more (bearing in mind both his parents are working)

I'm lucky in that my Y10 is like FrenchSeal's Y10.

But my Y8 needs more kicking up the backside, so we're doing the kicking up the backside. If that means we take all his electronic toys, he knows we'll do it, and have done. Work comes first during the week, and we do check that it's been done. His form tutor also knows to check in with us if there are any, and I mean ANY, issues at their end if all his work isn't being done.

Reach out to your D10's form tutor. They can also apply pressure to your child to keep working. It's part of their job, frankly.

And yes, I'm in a school.

I've had to make my son work downstairs where I can keep track of him. This of course, doesn't work if you haven't got the room or if he isn't even a tiny bit willing. With ours, he'd got himself so panicky at the thought of what he hadn't done, he couldn't start anything.

It's so bloody annoying to have to nag all the time. Like you said, me and dh are hard working types and cannot relate at all.

We have seen a marked improvement in work done this week since we made him work downstairs. It had been a bit fraught before we finally had the discussion whereby he admitted he was overwhelmed. I think it had finally got to the point where he was secretly glad to be told what to do. There's been a bit of no heat to it moaning and several nightmares getting him out of bed, but it's an improvement. Christ knows if it will continue. You can't do it for them, can you?

I know how you feel. Good luck.

Thanks Match yes I have started emailing the teachers myself for support so that is good advice and does seem to have spurred him on a bit

It's difficult to know whether to focus on the key subjects (Maths, English, Science) with an acceptance that he is probably going to fail the rest or whether to keep pushing every single subject.

I do wonder if schools may need to be more flexible with current Y10s with regard to pushing them all to sit 8/9 GCSEs when they have missed such a huge chunk of schooling

His school are setting work work which he essentially has to teach himself, only 1 teacher has done any virtual teaching (he's done a series of short YouTube videos explaining the topics which are fab). Maths isn't a problem as we have access to an online site with little videos on every topic which support whatever he is doing.

Sorry just having a moan

OneJump I can definitely relate about the being overwhelmed thing which I'm sure has also been the case with DS to some extent

I do sympathise with him buts it bloody frustrating when I'm spoon feeding him and he still won't just get on with it

I hear you OP.

It's killing me that DD won't fulfil her potential. Of course they need to be working and revising. Wayhay for everyone with a child who is self motivated and obedient and are able to engage with learning set by school. For those of us with DC who aren't motivated and who have decided to rebel by downing pens/laptop its painful and difficult.

I've tried the carrot. But she's a teenager not a dog or a donkey and the carrots are no longer working. She wanted bigger and juicer carrots so now the ones I have just are t worth if for her, apparently.

Remote learning has been the best thing for Y10 DS, it definitely suits him. His school is doing live timetable and he really likes the structure. However, he has happily become a hermit, and not connecting with friends, so they like to worry us in different ways. I worry how he will be in the summer holidays.

@ConnellWaldronsChain

I'm not being smug- my DC are not Ángels. They do require regular cajoling and they do need to be punished at times- all mine know that lack of effort will result in removal of privileges.

As parents we have a key role to play in terms of encouraging our DC to make connections between their efforts now and outcomes in the future. That requires punishment at times.

It is honestly one of the hardest things to watch your child not fulfill their potential and not have anything you try work. Absolute nightmare. I'm so glad that his school do gcse revision at school because that would be another nightmare. (Assuming it goes back to normal.).

My Y10 DS has done absolutely nothing since ... well actually since well before lockdown actually. He is nocturnal, gaming constantly and his diet has gone to shit. He is high functioning ASD and has always coasted at school and got excellent results for whatever. This will only get him so far but he cannot see this.

There is nothing we can do, removal of privileges just results in destruction of property and violence towards us and the other children. He is bigger than me. He has never ever responded to bribery of any kind. During lockdown all external support has disappeared and so we have taken the path of least resistence and let him do what he wants. Flame away.

I think all you can do is offer an environment where study is rewarded and encouraged and hope that he sees the benefits for himself before it's too late. And hope that schools return as soon as they are able and routines return.

For those DC who have SEN have they not been able to go into school, or is there an issue that they wouldn't want to go in unless it was the normal routine?

With respect @Frenchseal, you did come across as a bit smug. Some parents, like @rednsparkley cannot punish their children (your DS sounds similar to my DS, bribery never worked on him with either and I'm soooo thankful he's at uni now and not doing GCSEs.

I don't punish my DC they have consequences and the consequence of not doing much school work now will be poorer exam results. DS knows this. It's causing her lots of anxiety, for which I've had to seek outside help, yet she still doesn't apply herself. She now associates studying at home with anxiety and is protecting herself. I'm not going to start punishing her. It would be ineffective. I need to find away to encourage and support her and get through this with us all alive and well, and with a good relationship intact.
OP if your DS is bright he'll get into 6th form and have to put in the work there. Hopefully by then he'll be mature enough to realise he does need to make an effort.

Not all sen qualify for a place in school, and children in school aren't necessarily particularly engaged in studying unless they chose to. Clare's aren't being taught, DC are just completing the learning set but I school rather than at home.

At the end of the day @LynetteScavo, 14 year olds are not fully developed and need to be guided- they need to be parented.

Most teenagers do not have the ability to think long term about how their effort today will affect their futures. That is why parents do need to step in to help them do so.

Encouragement, yes, but punishment and discipline is necessary if that is not working. A friend of mine has made her year 9 DS wear full school uniform and stick to his school timetable as we are doing with DD to help him focus. He may not thank her now, but he will see the benefit in the future.

14 year olds are not fully developed and need to be guided- they need to be parented. I couldn't agree more.

You and I obviously parent differently.

How do you suggest the OP punishes her DS for his lack of application to his school work?

Sorry @FrenchSeal I am probably being overly defensive becausd i know my current strategies aren't working so I am already well aware that my parenting is not up to scratch

Unfortunately if DH gets involved he just ends up shouting at DS which results in DS digging his heels in further and pretty much 'going on strike' so I am left trying to cajole and encourage him back into action.

I am not a naturally authoritarian type of person (I could absolutely never be a teacher for example!) and never imagined parenting would be this hard. DD has never required a hard line style of parenting and neither did I growing up so it's something I'm having to teach myself!

@LynetteScavo

I think punishments really have to be tailored to the individual DC. But I think for a teenager who is refusing to engage with schoolwork, a short, sharp shock and removal of privileges can be really effective.

I'd take everything off them- no phone, no gaming, no going out, no privileges at all. They should then have to earn back their privileges by engaging with the schoolwork that has been set.

The re-introduction of privileges then has to be gradual and phased- so it could be a case of "you can have your phone back if you follow your school timetable plus 2 hours of revision per day for a week". One more week could equal being allowed 1 hour of gaming and 30 minutes of TV a day and another week equals being allowed to visit a friend.

I think it's key to constantly reinforce the link between hard work and reward later with teens. Weekdays need to become associated with study imo- ideally DC should be asking to watch TV for an hour after they've done their revision instead of assuming they're allowed and asking to use their phones etc.

This should become the standard expectation even after the 'short, sharp shock' period is over.

What you suggest @Frenchseal is how my parents parented my brother. He was very stubborn and his response would be to very determinedly do no work ever again. He actually suffered quite a lot in the battle of wills with our parents. I was similar but my parents had learned to parent me slightly differently. I know DD would be the similar, dig her heals in and tell me she never wanted to watch TV or leave the house again. I would probably have smashed my phone at that age if my parents tried to take it off me (there were no mb phones back then, ) I'm not sure DD would go that far but I don't think she would work to get it back. She'd probably also stop practicing her instrument which she's doing a lot of.

On the other hand, it would work with DS2, but he does what's asked of him anyway!

Dd seems to be slowly realising that she needs to know certain things for her GCSES and she will get there, she will eventually do enough, but it does need to come from her. I think the OPs DS knows he's going to be OK because is grades aren't too bad.