Behaviour age 13

[Feellikedancingyeah]

I only have one DC, aged 13. I don't know what other kids his age do/don't do?
We have basic houserules but he protests against everything. I have helped him a lot with organisation of homework and he will not do any. At first , he was doing some work but it was rushed and he simply was not learning anything from it. Now he won't do any. He does play football for about 2 hours a day with me but won't go for a walk or anything similar. He spends the rest of his day on his phone.
He used to be out of the house for school from 7.45 am to 4.15pm and lots of sport. There is nothing now. It's really getting me down as I can't see when some joy might return into his life. The sport he loves won't return until at least July and even then he might not be able to go because it is very likely that lessons will not be allowed.
I am constantly on edge as he is always causing more issues. For example we have parent filter on our broadband and we have another app. You Tube is on restricted mode and he argues about that.
He goes on and on when he wants something and gets quite aggessive.
I spoke to the adhd nurse and she said it's very difficult with the Covid situation so we need to avoid conflict to keep him safe. Even though it is my husband and I who gets threatened and pushed by him.

Is anyone else going through this?

Hi @Feellikedancingyeah, I'm having similar issues with my DD age 13. Ever since this lockdown she's become more moody and more withdrawn and the school work is a disaster. She has zero initiative or motivation. I'm not sure what to do anymore, at my wits end really.

@the80srock I wonder what percentage of students are not doing any home learning now that we are so far into lockdown?

My ds is also 13 and finding things very tough ATM.

Very similar here with ds14. On phone all day long, mostly watching netflix. It’s very hard to engage them in alternatives if they don’t want your suggestions. Mine has become very defiant and oppositional, anything we say is shouted down. Really miss school! I’m sorry I don’t know what to suggest. I think some rules and limits are important so they still feel parented. My basic expectations are do work, do chore if asked, get exercise, ideally leave house then you can game. I’d like to know if other people let them use phone all day- mine won’t put it down and arguing about it makes him threaten to do no schoolwork. I do think you shouldn’t give in to everything he wants- if he gets aggressive walk away fast, leave the house if necessary.

As a secondary school teacher, I'd suggest getting in touch with school but you're definitely not alone. Children are becoming increasingly fed up with the situation and disengaged with their school work.

School might help put a routine together and show him the importance of keeping mentally healthy. It sounds like you've done everything you can but sometimes pastoral teams can really be useful.

Also, seems like you've done a great job in supporting him during lockdown! It's refreshing to hear- a lot of teenagers have decided they don't need to adhere to social distancing anymore!

Totally feel for you, it's a very tough situation at the moment and increasingly so the longer it goes on.

Would you be able to put time limits on the phone? I think it's so easy for kids and teens to spend all day on them, and they typically don't have the self-regulation skills to ensure healthy and balanced usage. My view is that us parents need to help them achieve this until they can show that the time they have on their phone isn't taking away from other activities they could be doing.

Extra tough at the moment, I know, with the limited options for other activities. But could you try agreeing a limit, a max number of hours a day on the phone, after which time the apps are blocked etc? Maybe without a phone they'll join in with other activities around the house more, and maybe you'll notice a change?

If there's ADHD or other needs then it's so much harder (my DS is 13 with ASC and he literally cannot function when not on screens, it's an ongoing battle but I limit screen time everyday otherwise how will he ever learn to do things in the real world....and occasionally we have breakthroughs and he gets involved, which he wouldn't do if he had unlimited time....)

Thankyou for your lovely replies . He is going to school for 3 part days a week to try to help him regulate. We are rewarding him for attending. Also got a review with neurodisability consultant about anger and frustration issues