Dd's suicidal friend is affecting her mental health - what should she do?

[RazorRuddocksSoftSide]

So a bit of back story. DD has ADHD/ASD, high functioning. She has had a lot of struggles with serious self harming, depression and anxiety.

She has been friends with (I'm going to call her Jane) Jane since they were 11yrs old. Jane has (I'm 100% sure) ADHD, untreated. Jane is a drama queen and launches from one drama to the next. She's had a tough time in the last few years as her parents divorced, her Mum left and is totally unreliable. There's a bunch of other stuff but too long to include. She doesn't get on well with her Dad but she is very loved.

Backstory over. Jane has in the last few months become suicidal. She has spent the last 5 weeks sending the most horrific messages at all hours to all her friends (and extended friends) saying that she is going to kill herself, she wants to end it, making plans, writing notes etc. Obviously all friends have been extremely worried.

Last week Jane, whilst on the phone to two friends, took an overdose.
Jane is now in a child and adolescent mental health facility. She went in willingly but now wants to leave but isn't being allowed to.

Surprisingly (in my mind) Jane still has her phone and is still, at all hours, sending these terrible messages to her friends.

I am very concerned about Jane, we all love her. BUT she is tearing dd apart. Her messages (some of which I have seen) are just dreadful and at the moment she is very angry and lashing out at everyone. Dh and I have seen a decline in dd's wellbeing, the return of some mental health issues, low mood and terrible insomnia.

The problem is that dd's friend is part of dd's core friendship group (of five, many of whom are getting fed up with Jane) and also dd's extended group of friends. They are all on group chats etc.

Dh and I have told dd to take a step back from her friend, not in 'our friendship is over way' but just a quiet step back, she needs to protect herself. The problem is the entanglement with other friends. She could leave the group chats but that means she misses out on everything else going on.

We just don't know how to advise her but are very concerned about the impact on dd who is very fragile at the moment.

Can anyone else suggest what to do?

I think your advice to quietly step back is good. Reassure her that jane is getting the help she needs. That she isn't responsible for jane and she can control other peoples actions. I dont think she needs to leave friendship groups over it or chats jane is on. Jane needs her friends and that would stress your daughter.

Can you speak to her dad see why she allow phone in the support group surely this is not normal is she 100% still there or maybe lonely and looking attention.
Can she start new group chat and just tell the others we need fun that Jane is been looked after professionally and we are not helping her get better by including her in messages when she is vulnerable. I know that sounds harsh but they probably all need a break from it.
Take your dd phone at 12 for a while

Thanks Halo and Andi.

At the moment the hospital are letting her have it. She isn’t speaking to either of her parents so it’s difficult to do anything about the access to her phone.

I can’t take dd’s phone away as it’s her lifeline to her other friends.

I suspect the other girls in the group are equally traumatized. Can the group set up an alternative WhatsApp group to do chatting on?

I am not sre if setting up an alternative group might trigger "Jane" to feel left out, and then if something bad happens there's a risk of terrible guilt for your DD and friends.

Your step back advice sounds good. I think trying to make sure she knows she can talk to you about whatever Jane messages, and maybe tell her to reach out to other friends on an individual (rather than group) basis just to talk it through. And also trying to give your DD as much to do throughout the day to keep her away from it a bit - if the messages are going to a whole group and she's away from her phone for a few hours surely enough will have built up that she won't need to directly respond to things?

It's a very tough situation though. I do not envy you.

DD’s school will still have pastoral support staff available to contact. It might be worth contacting her head of year to discuss it.