Violent DS

[nojomam]

I could really do with some advice. I split up with my husband 3 years ago and our two DSs are about 50/50 between our two houses. My ex and I don't have a great relationship. My 15year old DS has always been difficult, issues at school with respect and very easy to anger, but it has gotten worse the older he gets. He has been temporarily excluded from school twice now. His attitude to me has really worsened over the years. In the last two years he has gotten more violent, destroying things in the house and hitting me. He is not like that with his father and I have to get his father to discipline him and step in.This weekend he was so out of control, I asked my ex to step in, but he said no as he is tired of stepping in. Things got worse after that and after an argument over the PlayStation my DS pushed me across the sofa and I called the police. My DS is now in his fathers with our other DS who is 13. I've said that I can't have our 15 year old in the house when he is like this and my ex said we had agreed to not splitting up the children and is pushing me for a solution but I don't know what to do. Is it possible to repair my relaltionship with my DS and how? Should he stay with his dad full time for a while (that idea make me feel like a failure and that I am abandoning him, although he says he doesn't want to be here)? Appreciate thoughts. Thanks

It is possible to repair the relationship with your son. For the time being it may be good to have some space for all of your emotional well-being. It would be good for you to have some form of contact with your son just to let him know that you love him and you want to work things out as you are unhappy with how things are between you. Do you know where your children would like to live? It may be worth getting in touch with a domestic abuse charity they may be able to give you some advice and recommend family therapy / counselling for you and your son.

For what reason did you and your husband separate? Was he previously violent towards you? Is he particularly controlling?

I understand he steps in and I hope above hope that he is above board in his actions, but a small part of me wonders if he is encouraging this behaviour behind the scenes in order to have more custody of your sons. The fact that he's so adamant 'not to separate the children' when one is violent and dangerous is just odd to me.

What does your 13yo DS want? He is old enough to decide if he is happy to spend time apart from his brother and stay with you. You don't have to settle for all or nothing solely because you don't feel safe around one of your sons. Your ExH isn't entitled to make that decision for him and him pushing you to decide ASAP just isn't sitting right with me.

I hope you manage to find the strength to pull through all of this. You did the right thing calling the police, a lot of mothers feel immense guilt about escalating things when their children are violent towards them x

I left my ex, as I was just very unhappy and had fallen out of love with him. We got together very young and had grown into quite different people. He was very hurt by it and is probably still quite resentful. He lost his business after the recession and I've a really good job and travel a lot, so we agreed he would stay at home for a while and try to figure out what he wanted to do as he hadn't really loved the business he was in anyway. So he spent more time with the kids and has a strong bond with them. He wasn't violent, although he was controlling in some ways and still can be at times, and I think him insisting our 13 year old be in the same place is an example of that, as in lockdown we have had them separately to given them space from eachother, as despite being best friends, like most brothers they wind each other up. I do feel like he is pushing me with a decision and he did via text, but I need us to discuss this as parents and both agree on an approach, but he says he is in the middle. I don't think that it is that unreasonable to have our DS stay at his for a few weeks until we can all get some time to think about it and discuss options with less emotions, but I feel that this will be used against me in some way. thanks for the suggestion to ask our 13 yr old what he wants to do, I think he should have a say.

Well good luck I agree that it is not unreasonable to have space from your 15yo. If 13yo does say that he would prefer to stay with you, and your ExH takes issue with that, a good way of looking at it is that it isn't good for your other son to be modelling this sort of behaviour at his vulnerable age, so perhaps him being away from it for a short while will be beneficial to him as well as you. Also, if 15yo misses his brother, that's another reason for him to work towards fixing his behaviour.

Sorry for rambling I do genuinely hope there's a positive outcome to this situation. It must be very depressing for you.

Can you contact school for support and advice? Are they open in half term? Or school nurse service (there should be a phone number) or GP, local youth counselling service?

@NumbsMet thank you

I have suggested counselling a number of times and he just refuses to go, either on his own, together or as a family. We went to famiily counselling with him a few years ago as things were on a downward slope, but he would barely say a word to them, so it didn't really help much. I think it might be helpful for me to speak to someone and get some strategies to help him or for me to manage things better.

Nothing useful to say but I can hear a lot of pain and stress in your post. I’m sorry you haven’t had more support - it’s bloody difficult doing it on your own at the best of times.

Thanks you @Ifeelfat it is hard to talk to people about it as I feel like such a failure

There have been several other threads in the past about violent teens, you are definitely not alone (on here or in RL). Also increased public awareness of such problems which feel so shameful for a parent.