Nearly 13 and not a day goes by without a lie

[user1494083116]

My step daughter is nearly 13 she constantly fibs / lies about stupid things some times serious things that have come close to social services getting involved! It’s not for lack of attention she gets everything she wants her grand parents thing she’s a saint she could commit murder and it would be someone else’s fault ! I’ve tried everything talking to her asking why she does it she says she doesn’t know and just thinks she won’t get caught out but always does. She has no idea of consequences and for the most part gets away with the lot. My partner because he only sees her weekends doesn’t like telling her off. Her grand parents on both sides don’t tell her off. It’s driving me mad. It’s sad to say I just don’t believe anything she says it’s got so bad. Any ideas

Does she only lie to you or to everybody?

What sort of thing is it?
Cn you kind of arrange things so it doesn’t matter if she lies or not? Presume she will sort of thing? I can’t really describe what I mean without an example.

I guess, with mine, if I asked if she’d finished off the biscuits without asking if she could have the last I would just not bother asking and hide some biscuits for me another time.

Gawd that last bit is awful. I mean I’d want to ask ‘did you finish the biscuits without seeing if anyone else wanted any?’ but I’d just not ask her.

To everyone no just me and her dad , last time she lied to a teacher about being left alone all night looking after her baby brother which she doesn’t have ! Luckily the teacher called her mum first. Sometimes it’s stupid things like about having a wash or doing homework. Consequences mean nothing to her at all no matter if u speak normally or shout it’s makes no difference and even if u say to her I know ur lying she will admit it. It’s like she’s paying lip service then does what she likes. She was never smacked as a child or told off and that’s where I think it stems from. U see even if she’s breaks expensive things grandad says it’s ok as he will just buy a new one so what can you do

Next time she says something, tell her you think she is lying. If she protests her innocence explain as she lies so often you have no idea when she's telling the truth and that you can't trust what she says.

My 8yo ds lies quite often and so the other day I drew up a tally chart to make a note of every time I caught him in a silly, pointless lie. It was meant playfully really but the lying was driving me mad. Himself and his brother thought it was very funny, so it was taken in the way it was intended.

So far it has worked. Only one lie yesterday. Might not work on a 13 year old though.

Thanks for the ideas , I’m just fed up of it now she’s been like it from a very early age and very manipulative for one so young

Okay so from what you have described this is pretty normal. Children try to test boundaries at this age and lying tends to be a way healthy kids do this (violence is another way, as is stealing). She is trying to seek attention / approval and for some reason thinks lying is the way to do it. A good way to help nip it in the bud is to proactively praise her for the things she does well - if she takes her dishes to the sink after a meal, does anything you think is good (don’t set a high standard). Then whenever she lies basically tell her you are disappointed because she’s normally so good (and list examples). A few weeks of this may show her she doesn’t need to lie to be good.

You think if she had been smacked when she was younger she wouldn’t lie?!?!

I’d give it less attention. Laugh and say “yeah right” then change the subject. She’ll grow out of it. I used to lie that my parents were rich ect had 10 Rottweilers they’d set in people like in the simpsons...I had a great imagination. I grew out of lies. I’m very thankful I was smacked or abused as a child....

You need a different approach.

This is a very good article on why teens lie.

Sorry that link hasn't worked. You can find the article by searching for "why teens lie about stupid things"

And fwiw, I agree with pp about treating this with a degree of positivity and humour rather than viewing it as though she has a moral defect. She's 13! Just a kid! It's almost her job at that age to test parental boundaries and try to avoid things by lying. The parents job is to calmly set out expectations and make it clear that x or y wont happen if x hasn't been done. Natural consequences.

Also, imho, children tend to live up to the expectations you have of them... . And that includes poor expectations.

I would just bluntly point out each & every time I see her do it.
In a kind of "That habit is achieving nothing for you" way.
Don't engage emotionally otherwise.
Can also make a point of questioning everything she says for the reasons that she has such a track record of fibs.
Again, not emotionally. Just in a "I can't rely on you to tell the truth the first time but I need to know the truth about this one so I am looking for better evidence." way.

Don't pull morality into anything you say. That strategy is not working for you, anyway so far.

Whatever her long-standing habits, she'll form better habits if those new habits serve her better.