Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

what would you do?

26 replies

Feellikedancingyeah · 23/05/2020 21:41

Advice needed please. Our teenage son has been asked not to take his phone up to his room at bedtime. He keeps refusing to comply. When I turn off his WiFi he gets very aggressive. We asked him to sign a behaviour contract which he now says he doesn't care about, so it has become meaningless. What would you do?

OP posts:
inwood · 23/05/2020 21:42

Turn the WiFi off

LilyMarshall · 23/05/2020 21:43

Remove the phone

LovingLola · 23/05/2020 21:43

Is he 13?
Or 19?

WhiskersPete · 23/05/2020 21:43

How old?

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2020 21:44

Yes, how old?

ParkheadParadise · 23/05/2020 21:45

What's a behaviour contract?

Turn off the wifi

skinnyhotchoc · 23/05/2020 21:45

You need to stick to the WiFi off and ride out the aggression. The Wifi stays off for longer the more he shouts and refuses. So if your cut off is ten and he kicks off tell him tomorrow it will be 9. You can also threaten to cancel his contract

Sparklingbrook · 23/05/2020 21:47

I couldn't switch our WiFi off because DH and I will be using it.

Bouledeneige · 23/05/2020 21:47

How old. At 17 thats ridiculous. I go to bed with my phone - its my alarm clock, why wouldn't my kids do the same?

ScorpionQueen · 23/05/2020 21:47

These are really hard times. Would it be worth agreeing a compromise? Not giving in entirely, but many teens are feeling very isolated.
Of course, the aggression is unacceptable, but it's worth picking your battles and helping him to manage his feelings.

Feellikedancingyeah · 23/05/2020 21:49

Nearly 14. He has ADHD and is aggressive

OP posts:
nasalspray · 23/05/2020 21:49

How old is he?

When is bedtime?

A behaviour contract? Is he your son or a tennant?

Feellikedancingyeah · 23/05/2020 21:57

We typed up some simple things.i.e
No phone upstairs at bedtime - because he's on it until early hours.
Do some schoolwork every day - does bare minimum, totally uninterested.
Shower when asked - refuses constantly.

It's addiction to You Tube and some games that is driving this .

OP posts:
Londonloubelia · 23/05/2020 22:08

Noel Janis-Norton, who has worked with children with ADHD is giving seminars on, screens and children with ADHD 1-June to 12 June 8pm. 12 days of webinars. She has teamed up with Consciously Digital Parents Academy for this. She gives some sound advice, I’ve been to a talk. I appreciate it’s a way away but you may be able to find something in her books or online about this.

Calmer Parenting, 68 Berkeley Road, London NW9 9DG are running it.
[email protected]

I hope they will be able to help you.

LilyMarshall · 23/05/2020 22:08

Change the password.

lljkk · 23/05/2020 22:24

First & foremost, what you're doing isn't working. You can insist you have ultimate authority in your house ("my house my rules"), but it's pointless because it's not working for your family. You aren't getting compliance, only tension.

What I would do is...

Tell him he can have the WiFi & mobile phone etc back when he sits down and you have worked out together what are reasonable expectations. If you don't negotiate at this age then they A) sneak behind your back to do WTF they like B) openly defy you C) don't develop skills to make good decisions. You have an opportunity here to help guide him into being a person who can make better decisions. Take it.

When you sit down, briefly Tell him why you feel those rules need to apply, and if he doesn't want those rules, ask him to give you reasons why those rules shouldn't apply,. Get him to use reason to justify his position. "Because I want to" isn't good enough, but he can say "I know I will get to bed by 10pm anyway so you don't need to take the phone off me" etc. Nudge him to reasons.

What you're trying to do is nudge him into better decision skills, based on his values.

A good strategy is to Find the common ground does he agree it's your job to protect his health and that includes his sleep (and he should not disturb your sleep with noisy games at 1am) - then how can he help you do that? Does he agree that it's nicer for everyone if he doesn't smell then how can he help make sure that he doesn't reek. Does he agree it's your responsibility to make sure he does schoolwork -- how should he help you fulfill your responsibility. etc. Help him find reasons why he wants achieve some same things as you. Then try to be very open-minded if he has any suggestions how to achieve what you have jointly agreed is a good thing to achieve.

I'm probably not explaining well. He may be so hostile that you might have to try a few times to get him to try to find common ground. But I think you can see that you just dictating to him is not working. It becomes an increasingly poor strategy as they get bigger. Give him some part of the decision making.

If he's very furious, then don't try to approach him about the rules, but look for peace-making moments. So if he's willing to talk about anything (short of him being abusive)-- you listen. Try not to tell him your opinions. Listen, and if he's not hostile to this, sometimes ask him more about his opinions. Even if it's just which type of bagels to buy or what to watch on telly. You want to become someone he likes to talk to about the random stuff in his head.

they also respond well if you say "Well I think that's a bad idea because... but I'll let you make that bad decision if you want." then they engage and work thru better decision skills what they really want, and what the real benefits or risks are in any plan of action. It can feel a little like an argument but you get thru it if you're willing to let them face consequences, and in meantime you fulfill your job to help them learn how to work thru decisions. You can't just decide what's best for him like when he was little.

nasalspray · 23/05/2020 22:28

This is fab advice ^

Feellikedancingyeah · 23/05/2020 22:34

I've already said he won't get a couple of things on his birthday list (early July) because this behaviour is not acceptable. Of course he will get presents but it's going to be less as he's showing so much disrespect for us.
His phone contract has been altered. Only a very small amount of mobile data. So when we are able to get out again , it will quickly run out and he won't be able to ignore people whilst watching you tube

OP posts:
inwood · 23/05/2020 22:37

Delete it block you tube and whatever else is causing the issue, use parental controls.

GreenTulips · 23/05/2020 22:38

Let him earn his WiFi

So 20 mins of work = 20 mins of WIFi
Shower = 20 mins of WiFi
Phone downstairs extra 20 mins next day

Make him earn it

nasalspray · 23/05/2020 22:39

Be careful making them 'earn' - it can backfire massively when they decide not to give a fuck

Serenschintte · 23/05/2020 22:41

I think I’d take it away when he was asleep. Remove battery and SIM card. If necessary sim can be frozen inside a bag of water in the freezer.
And the other advice given here.
Hes the Child. Your the parent, Good luck.
When he consistently (with help as he has adhd) does as he is asked then he gets it back - for a defined time.
Phones are so addictive. Even more so with ADHD I think

Jacobieathan · 23/05/2020 22:44

Does he understand WHY you don’t want him having it?
Kids with ADHD are notoriously poor at understanding cause and effect.

Try a family meeting to discuss. If he gets shouty then say you will talk about it another time. You need to persist gently.

Parenting kids with ADHD through the teen years can be hell, picking your battles is essential. Good luck.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 23/05/2020 22:44

Who pays the bill?

Feellikedancingyeah · 23/05/2020 22:52

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread