11yo dd and phone - pre teen

[raindripsandroses]

My soon to be 11yo dd wants a phone for her birthday- she moves to secondary school in Sept -and she hasn't had a phone up to this point.
I am torn on this, my DH is so against her having a phone scared of his life about SM, cyber bullying etc - says we are responsible for giving her a very dangerous object- I totally understand am equally as scared, but I think she would likely be the only one without a phone in secondary and could single her out for bullying - or being classed as "weird" I know I shouldn't worry about that but I do remember what it was like at school, and trying to keep below the radar.
She has promised no SM - but how realistic is that when she gets to big school? Would it be easy enough to police?
For what it's worth she is a very sensible girl, but may be easily enough influenced.
A lot of the girls in primary have phones already and she accepted our rules up to this point without much push back, I do Trust her but I am also aware that teenagers are a different species .... and that's where I headed

DD10 has a phone, it's been absolutely invaluable for her keeping in touch with friends during lockdown. Even friends parents who were dead against it previously have caved. She does have certain SM but I monitor her phone very carefully. Never been so much of a hint of any bullying but she does keep away from those types on her year and doesn't engage with them. She's sensible and I trust her to tell me if anything is up and to judge if something is unsuitable

Just because they have a phone, doesn't mean you have to have data and internet enabled.
So if you want she can have a phone for texting and games, but not SM and sending/receiving photos.

A phone is a useful, almost essential tool for her to have. Family Link is an excellent way to keep in control of how she uses it plus you need to teach her how to be safe.

Once they go to Secondary nearly everyone has phones. My 2 dd are into snap chat as and facetime this is common for teenagers and she will feel very left out if they all on group chats. Just tell her you will be checking every day and you need all password. I did this to they where 15 and still do an odd spot check but not on a private message to a boyfriend.

I think once she goes to secondary school it is inevitable that she will need a phone for socialising and for travel. My daughters are all summer borns so all got phones for their 11th birthdays before beginning high school. For the first year or two it was mainly about texting and snapchat, and when they were twelve and thirteen instagram but on private settings. I rarely checked because I think they're entitled to privacy but phones get charged downstairs overnight so if I had concerns I could have. We've never had any issues with social media, I think children are becoming far more sensible on the internet than ten years ago. My daughters and their friends are even judgemental of people who "overshare" on their instagrams or snapchat stories. It's also been wonderful for them to have during lockdown - always at least one on videocall to a group or just close friend and lots of texting.

Another thing it helped with is keeping in contact with primary school friends who went to different schools or moved. I'm not sure how else they'd have stayed in touch with the ones who live more than a few roads away.

My DDs had a phone around that age, just for convenience more than as a toy. We use a parental control app to avoid any inappropriate stuff, block new apps installation without approval, and to limit the screen time, no more than one hour a day and not at night.
Phones are useful, you can also track her gps position, but they can be dangerous in a teen's hands. If you keep monitoring and limiting that, there should be no problems.
We use Family Link on their android phones, for iphone Family Sharing has the same features, both free.
In short, I would gift her a phone if it can be useful but absolutely only with the parental control app.

I don’t think it’s a realistic expectation for a year 7 child to not have a phone. My dd is yr7 and would be lost socially without it, and that’s not just due to lockdown.
Everything is arranged via the phone and I’m sorry to say, sm.

I do check her phone often and the whole sm is a minefield I agree. The whole social pecking order is formed through group chats, best friends lists, tagging, Snapchat streaks, and Instagram and snapchat stories, which can be particularly brutal in that they ask others to ‘rate’ them or give ‘ops’ (opinions) on them (google insta/snap stories to get an idea of the templates they use) These stories can be public, private or just selected friends, which then causes grief when your child isn’t included, likewise with TikTok when your child watches a vid of friends together at something they haven’t been invited to. My dd has been on both the giving and receiving end of all of the above, as have her friends at various times, and it just seems the norm to be navigating it during these years for most children.

I know the option is there for your child to not have any of these platforms and my dd tells me there are children who don’t, but even my younger dd at 9 is now using FaceTime, Xbox live etc and has just been given a hand me down phone which we will get a sim for in yr6.

I think if you want your child to stay connected socially a phone in this day and age is essential, only half of what goes on in their friendships happens at school.