Have no control over my ds

[L1414]

My 12 year old son is out of control and will not follow any rules. I put my tv and his PlayStation in his room during the lockdown so he can have some time to himself. However, last night he refused to come off and has stayed up all night playing online with his friend. When I ask him to come off I am greeted with shouts and screams and he will throw and break things. We are in a rented house and our neighbours can hear the noise which makes me so anxious. He has downloaded a game I asked him not to and again I am greeted by shouts and screams if I ask him to remove it.
When I have spoken to my friends they tell me he will get bored and let him find this out for himself etc but surely as a parent I should have control? If I take the PlayStation out of his room as a consequence I will have lots of things broken and loads of shouting. Please don’t judge me, I am trying my best (which obviously isn’t good enough!)

Sorry you are dealing with this. Wait until he's calmer, then make some food you know he likes (not too sugary) and try to initiate a non-confrontational conversation about it with him. There are tricks to this. Start by acknowledging and agreeing with some of the appeal of what he's doing: 'I put the PlayStation in your room because i know you love playing on it, and in lockdown, it's a really great way to spend time and connect with your mates.' Try not to sound as if there's a 'but' coming.
Pause to see if he reacts.
Don't say but, just make a new statement. 'I was shocked by how aggressive gaming made you last night. That's not like you. You are a good person. You have good control over your anger. You are not a tosser.
(I use this tactic as a let out. Describe him in really positive terms but then use a nasty word like tosser to describe that behaviour, having already implied this is not at all typical of him, to show how different the two are: the normal him and the abnormal behaviour.)
Then ask: why do you think that happened?
Ask his opinion and listen to it. People will say this is a really soft approach and you need to show him who is in charge, but I know it works. You don't want a power battle. You want a calm house. You don't need to be 'right', you need him to be calm.
If you think he can handle it, at some point, mirror his behaviour. Ask him to look you in the eye and then say: 'This is what I was on the receiving end of yesterday: "Go away or I'll smash..."
Ask him how he'd feel if you smashed stuff every time he wanted you to do something like cook tea or do some washing or help get stuff ready for school. Make sure he answers this question.

Keep the whole conversation calm and finish it by agreeing together how to handle it better today, then have a hug if he hugs or eat something nice together.

I know some people on here will think this is weak advice but give it a try. You need to diffuse his anger and give him a chance to see himself as a better person than how he behaved yesterday, as well as enabling conversation about dodgy behaviour.

It might not work but it's more likely to work than power struggles.

I think youve had some really great advice from monkey.

The only thing I would add, is that in our house I have put time limits on the Xbox via the Microsoft site. It prevents apps beyond his age range being downloaded and allocates him a specific time allowance per day online. Having to ask him/remind him to get off was a nightmare. Now the computer does it for him and there are no arguments. If he wants more time, he has to earn it. It also blocks the Xbox outside of core hours, ie he is allowed on it for 4 hours a day but only between 8am and 8pm IYSWIM.

Good luck

What @monkeyonthetable said. Definitely try that approach first.

Obviously@monkeyonthetable us a professional negotiator and I am in awe at those skills. Saving this post for the future when DD is older.

Yes brilliant advice from monkey! And also the limits. Teens/pre teens are hard and especially in lockdown when you can't tell them to go round their mates etc!

What also worked with our son in addition to a very similar approach to monkey, was making him use his savings to replace anything he broke or earn the money to do so and making him help repair the things he'd broken too.... soon gets them thinking before smashing if they have to pay or fix it!

You have all been so kind! I expected lots of ‘you are the parent take ps away’. It’s just not as simple as that is it? I thought I was going to be judged and I am so grateful for your lovely advice (especially monkeyonthetable).
I have just calmly spoken to my son and used your suggestions. I explained how sad it has made me and gave him the option to keep the ps in his room, if he had a parent controlled account with a time limit so that I could stop him from getting to the point where he was angry. He agreed and he now has a time limit set by myself.
I know this won’t resolve everything but I am more in control.
I have explained he will need to pay for breakages and he has agreed.
....am hoping he will fall asleep soon and I will have a nice quiet day! Thank you again-I will keep you posted.

Wow, you did brilliantly. That's a great result.