Mobile phone monitoring/use

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I have a 12.5 yo. Have been separated from his narcissistic and controlling father for six years now. Have 50/50 custody.

His dad has purchased him a very expensive iPhone that son keeps on him pretty much 24/7. The Court Order states that son can contact the parent whom they are not with as they wish.

However, the major battle comes re phone monitoring. My ex has told our son I have no right to check or monitor his mobile and son has changed passcode so I don't know what it is.

Ex is frequently on the phone to son and I know categorically he is sending disrespectful messages to him about myself and my partner. Following such messages son is often abusive towards us.

My son says I am "weird" for wanting to check his mobile and that it means I do not trust him.

He spends a huge amount of time on YouTube and some of the language I hear coming from his phone is absolutely disgusting.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I think you have every right to know what your 12 year old is saying/watching/ doing on his phone, failing that I'd take the phone whilst he's at home, and he can have it back.

At this age it isn't privacy he needs, its safeguarding and monitoring, especially seeing as its effecting his behaviour towards you

Good luck op

@Mummyays But then his father says I am breaching the Order as he has the right to contact dad at all times.

Ex has told my son I am a "freak" for wanting to check his phone and that I'm treating him like a baby. Son agrees and says his friends' parents don't check their phones.

Irony is that ex does know son's passcode.

I can't advise with the whole court side of it, but my parents never checked my phone.

I know a lot of parents do nowadays, but I just can't picture it. I had a phone at 11, it was certainly different to recent phones and internet on phones wasn't mainstream until I was around 14. My parents never checked my phone, but we had a very close relationship. If some stranger made me uncomfortable online I told them immediately, and I also told them about the friends I'd made online.

@NicotineRushh What concerns me is the content he can access, especially on YouTube etc. And the fact that his father wants to keep his messages between them private also concerns me as he often says totally unacceptable things about me/about people in general. For example, ex is homophobic and referred in a text to "Brighton Bummers." I don't want my son exposed to that sort of thing.

You have the right to monitoring the phone, not only that, it's a must when children are under 13yo (almost all socials, communities, apps... require at least 13yo to sing up for a reason), it's good parenting until 16yo or even 18yo.

Use a good parental control app, look at Family Sharing by apple. You can monitoring the phone use, block inappropriate stuff and limit the screen time (this is very important to avoid phone addiction and all the resulting problems, first one is the phone use at night and lack of sleep).

"son can contact the parent whom they are not with as they wish" ...the monitoring/parental control doesn't necessarily block the phone calls and sms (I think you can even choose which contacts to allow all the time), also when screen time is over he could still make a call. I think there is no conflict at all with the court order.

@Mary8076 But can I do this without a passcode which son and ex flatly refuse to me have?

Can you say that phone is to use used and left at dad's house? Your son can contact his dad at any time using your phone. He should not be allowed unmonitored access to the internet.

@Pinkyyy Father and son both would argue he has a right to it here "Because dad purchased it for his use". Also, I hate to think how much it cost because it's literally top of the range and I haven't got anywhere near enough money to spend on a similar mobile. Again, if I said that I'm made to look like the bad parent

He may have purchased it but that doesn't mean he is entitled to bring it to your house. What if he breaks it whilst in your care? You need to put your foot down and say he either gives you the password or leaves it at his dad's. His dad is trying to score points and make you out to be the bad one and it's very childish of him.

@Nicknamegoeshere I forgot to write about that. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think he can have (legally) an apple account until 13yo. So except if he put a false birth date, you should be able to control his account by your one, maybe even to change the passcode without knowing the old one? Android users here, sorry.

From apple website (support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201084):
"To participate in Family Sharing, all family members must have their own Apple ID. Children under 13* can't create an Apple ID on their own. However, the family organizer can provide verified parental consent and create an Apple ID on the child’s behalf in their family group. If your child already has an Apple ID, you can add it to your family group and update their email address, date of birth, security questions, and more."

If it doesn't work, honestly I would give them two options: let me know the passcode or at my home you cannot have the phone in your hands except for calling your dad when you ask me (or at your home you could replace the iphone with another cheaper one basic phone, of course with the parental control activated and the possibility to call the dad anytime).

@Mary8076 Aw thank you so much for your help. Unfortunately his is the only Apple device in the house as we are all Android users here too!!

Yes we might look into another phone although he will go absolutely nuts and at 37 weeks' pregnant I'm trying to avoid kick offs with him as far as possible! It's not his fault, his dad is just being a bully again.

@Nicknamegoeshere An option could be to put a parental control on your wifi router (you could even already have that ready on your one), this works if he uses only/mainly the wifi for internet connection.
Another one is to reset all the phone and putting a new passcode, he will lose all the data but if it's a new phone it shouldn't be a problem: support.apple.com/en-gb/HT204306
Yes his dad is so bad doing that.

1. Switch off wifi or don’t give son the passcode. If he uses mobile connectivity you can buy a portable jammer that will prevent all mobile connectivity in the house.
2. Keep entering the wrong passcode until the phone resets. Keep doing this regularly.
3. Break the phone. When ex fixes it break it again.

You lcan get mobile