Gaming or internet time restrictions at night for 17yr old DS

[jellyfish2121]

My 17 year old son had one of his tantrums tonight over this issue.

The WiFi goes off his laptop & Xbox , which he uses both for gaming, at 11.30pm. I've always used time restrictions & he's always complained about them.

He has been seeing a therapist for depression for 4 months now & agreed with her that gaming is the one thing he needs to do that distracts him enough to feel better. I attended a review and understood that but don't think he needs unlimited access because of it.

He already can't sleep until 4am, sometimes later or not at all. I think all this screen time isn't helping his body regulate a normal sleep pattern.

He said tonight no other 17yr old or even any teenager has timing restrictions on their internet so why does he? Everyone else isup all night on games having fun & he's miserable in his room. I'm making his depression worse etc etc ETC!

In the end as I keep saying, I told him if he doesn't like the rules here he can move out. He said he would if he could & how. I told him to get a job or join the army or Google it.

I don't mean to get into it all in this post, we've been having problems the last few years, but am I being so unreasonable with night time internet restrictions? What do you do with your older teens on this issue?

Also he still has unlimited.internet 24/7 on his phone, so he can still be up on that watching YouTube, phone games, gaming forums whatever if he can't sleep, but of course that's not good enough.

Well that’s the drip feed and a half!!!!

Ok, that update makes a difference. Yes, if he’s disturbing peop,es sleep repeatedly after promising not to then I agree turn the WiFi off.

And if he’s so nasty to you and says he hates you so much then yes point out his options. Hopefully he will grow up at some point. Sounds like the army might be good for him.

Hes 17 we are in lockdown
My teenagers don't have a playstation or xbox but I let them keep phones over 16 it's what alot off teenagers are doing staying in bed and chat late.
Less stress for you if you leave him too it just tell him one rule no disturbing others in house and no eating food
Do not ever tell your child to move out they will have that memory for ever.

Your drip feed makes a massive difference. Is there any other relative or trusted adult that can talk to him about how awful he is being and how it's impacting everyone else?
His therapist doesn't seem to be addressing the family dynamic which is fine because their purpose is to work with him . But you need him to function as part of the family unit especially when you have other DCs.
It sounds horrendous.
The advice would have been very different if that information had been in the first post. You're all living in an abusive relationship with him.

Just reading your post and wondering how you are getting on? It’s like reading a re-run of my life over the last 2 years. I too have a 17 year old son who has been having therapy for several months. He has just signed off with the therapist, told her he feels better and will be 18 in 2 weeks time. I feel despair.

After getting access to the internet last year by finding a glitch in my husband’s phone account (contract hire) and spending £1 grand on buying data and other stuff (stealing from us), he has just ‘hacked’ the parental limits I tried to set up to help him manage his access by creating a new VPN to the internet. I too turned off devices at 11.30pm and introduced that in October to try to set some limits. Now he has got round that. We have talked at length. We have always allowed full access until the stealing episode. He goes through cycles of staying up all night ( I just found him this morning at 6.30am for another night running) not having gone to bed. He will then sleep all day, wake and get up at 2pm for a bowl of cereal, and then go back into the internet game for the rest of the day and night. He swears at me all the time and then tells me that I think he is a ‘useless piece of Sh**.’ Not my words. Another favourite phrase is “Why do you care - it’s not affecting you.” It was affecting all of our sleep whilst he was shouting during the night talking to friends at 4am. Now he is quiet but still awake all night. During lockdown I was so desperate I turned off the power supply to the house to be able to talk to him. He went mad and pinned me to the floor in a headlock.

It’s intense, upsetting and affecting all of our lives in the household. He left home during lockdown and went to camp on his own for a couple of nights. My husband has given up on him. I went to find him and brought him back. I just can’t give up. Do I care too much?

He is bright, studying A levels and is desperate for a job, and refuses to consider university. Mock ‘A’s in 2 weeks time and he thinks he will fail. He tells me he has wasted 2 years.
What are my options? I don’t want to threaten him to leave as he is still young (if almost an adult) and vulnerable emotionally but this can’t go on indefinitely.

In the end as I keep saying, I told him if he doesn't like the rules here he can move out. He said he would if he could & how. I told him to get a job or join the army or Google it.

I reckon this from his mother at 17yo is likely to be far more detrimental to his MH than gaming at the weekend when there's nothing to get up for.

I had strict limits for screen time when they were growing up but by 17yo, provided they meet their obligations, it's up to them.

It's a terrible time to be a young person, gaming and other online applications are a way for them to get some much needed social interation.

He does need to.do.somethjng around the house but threatening to kick him out, especially if he knows you won't follow through isn't the way to achieve that.

I can’t believe his therapist told you not to give him any chores! This doesn’t seem right. If he’s not working or studying why the hell cant he help in the house. What has doing chores got to do with depression?

Not having a go at you just wondering what these therapists are thinking of sometimes

I have the same issue but given the current circumstances and lack of social interaction I’ve just allowed him to do what he wants provided chores are done and school work is up to date, his last school report was good so I can’t complain, that’s my only real measure of how he’s doing at school anyway. He spent most of Christmas Day with us and joins in family walks (needs persuading) but eventually comes with.
I think set some house rules but let him be since not much else is happening.

Too strict. At 17 I had my own flat. All but one of my DC are over 17. This is way too much control from you.

did u rlly tell him to join the army jesus christ if he has deppression dont tell him to move out or join the army just leave his wifi on so he can talk to and play with his freinds

Hi, I completely sympathise with you and think that unless you have a teenager like this, you cannot understand.
My dd is not like this, and although she can be difficult and defiant at times, she converses, comes out and interacts like a human! Yes she loves her iPad but she also cooks, chats, plays board games etc
Ds on the other hand, although not violent, is just like yours. He gets so angry and snarly, and in the holidays I see him for less than 5 minutes a day. He clashes with his dad and won't interact with him at all.
It's so sad, and I feel like a failure. He refuses to do chores as that's my job as a mum apparently. My daughter does chores even if I have to nag a bit. My son has a very very long argument over everything and wears me down.
What do you expect him to do if you limit the internet? When I switch it off, he hounds me for hours, follows me around and will not let up until we come to an agreement that he's happy with. It's exhausting and I worry so much about how he'll cope with adulthood. Or will he never leave home?? He's never had a girlfriend, I was thinking that once he had a girlfriend he might go out, take care of his personal heigene...but this hasn't happened.
I truly believe that some kids can't handle unlimited internet and it damages their health, but we're too far down the road now to be able to turn back. I'm sad for all parents dealing with teens like this. NOT ALL TEENAGERS ARE LIKE OURS.
I hope things improve for you soon OP.

for those of you struggling with older teenagers. I am surprised by the lack of empathy from so many posters. It must be so difficult seeing your sons suffering so much with mental health and gaming/internet addiction as well as coping with disturbed sleep, verbal abuse and all the workload of cleaning up after them, doing laundry, driving them around, preparing meals etc That there is such a breakdown in communication and the relationship with a beloved child is also no doubt heartbreaking.

Regarding the WiFi, it is your house, you are paying for everything and working for everything. It is up to you if you want it turned off at night. The WiFi in our house goes off when the adults go to bed, then we expect the teenage DC to be quiet so the adults can get enough sleep to be able to get up in the morning and do the work which pays for everything.

We are legally responsible for our DC as children until they are 18 and that includes their physical and mental health. If as a parent you reasonably believe that staying up online all night is contributing to your child’s ill health then surely you have a duty to try to do something about it, as the OP is.