Sorry if this gets long.
My middle child is 16, recently had his exams cancelled due to covid an has now left school.
He’s always been a happy, chilled out home boy. In year 6 and 7 he had issues with his feet and required surgery. He gained a bit of weight and wa a bullied badly in school. This carries on into head 7 in his first year at high school. As a result he started suffering from anxiety and depression. It was a horrendous year, I am struggling to breathe typing this as the flash backs to seeing my son begging me not to leave him at the school reception and teachers having to take him off me will haunt me for the rest of my life 😢 He started therapy within the school therapy services and he admitted to her he was having suicidal thoughts, he would never act on them but he felt that low. CAMHS were useless and put him on a long waiting list so I took over and gave him therapy mauled as I’d had CBT in the last for anxiety after I suffered a trauma when younger. It worked and within a year his anxiety and panic attacks were gone. He made new friends and was settled. CAMHS then stepped in as they had an opening to see him and gave him a few sessions to check he was all ok.
Once he was back to his usual self my son one day was in the shower and I was just tidying up outside the bathroom and he shouted to me ‘Mum thank you for everything I am now the happiest I’ve ever been, and that’s because of you. You should be a therapist you’ve really helped me get better’ I laughed and cried such happy tears.
Anyway, he was fine again for years 8-10. Then he got in with a bad crowd of lads, some were old school friends but they’d turned into kids up to no good just being naughty winding up teachers and being little buggers outside school. We would get calls home saying he had been in trouble and then they’d say how much of a lovely boy our son was and that he was being easily led by the bad crowd.
Then late last summer I found out my son had smoked weed a few times, his sister found out and told me. It broke me and I cried for weeks after. My son knows how anti drugs we are as I’ve a family member who did drugs and caused me a major trauma due to his violence towards me and his own children, and I don’t have them in my life as a result. Anyway, he opened up and admitted he felt pressured and didn’t want to be without friends again like year 7 so he did it a few times to fit in. These boys knew my son worked so we’re getting him to buy it as well.
Soon after returning to school in September he started not wanting to go out. We grounded him for a month after finding out but once lifted he didn’t want to go out to meet friends. Which I was ok about as I didn’t want him mixing with this group. He then told us he had cut the group out and something had happened but he didn’t want to discuss it. He said these boys turned on him and spread nasty rumours about him that weren’t true because he no longer wanted to do drugs. His sister then told me that these horrible boys were saying bad things about him to get back at him. One being that he forced himself on a girl which I’ve since found out is an utter lie as this girl is friends with my son still. This was detrimental to my sons reputation and I’ve never known such a kind gentle young man, he treats me like a queen so I knew it was malicious lies. His sister spoke to the girl and she said it wasn’t true by these boys had spread it and caused our son huge panic and anxiety found to school. Crying as I type that 😢
My son started suffering from panic attacks in school like he did in year 7. He broke down crying to us that he had no friends and was struggling. We spoke to school and they invited us in, they were amazing and offered him a reduced time table . They told us we should be very proud of him, told us what a lovely young gentleman he was and not to worry, his anxiety was very normal under the circumstances and to finish year 11 and move on from this group. The boys weren’t hurting him but he just felt so alone and anxious when he saw them, and he cried saying at 16 he should have friends so he felt different.
He did well in the reduced timetable. He still went to school and did his paper round every day but eh didn’t want to go out other than that Incas she jumped into his old friends. Then we locked down and school finished for him. I thought he would be relieved but he got upset and said ‘that’s it, it’s over, everyone else is off to college once lockdown is over and I will be here’. He was very down for a few days after GCSEs were cancelled. He said he felt differed to other children his age. He said kids at 16 have mates they hang around with. He said also ‘why am I so sensitive? Why do I suffer from anxiety at times, I feel I’m different to other lads my age?’ I reminded him that many suffer from anxiety, men and woman, kids too and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re the best kind of people, with big hearts. I told him he would make new friends and we will support him no end and that this anxiety he felt was due to all he has been through, nothing more. He felt better and since then in lockdown his anxiety has only spiked a few times.
He plays xbox and pc, he plays with his online friends and has a lot of confidence chatting to them. He sometimes texts some friends from another school that he knows so that’s good. His old friends contacted him, 2 of them text him and have apologised for the nasty rumours they spread and they’re sorry they were part of that and understood If he didn’t wan fri be friends with them again. Which he thanked them for but told them he doesn’t want to be friends again. Which I understood and respect his decision. They really hurt him and caused him sink under anxiety.
I’m just so worried and maybe this is just me worrying he will get the dark thoughts like he did in year 7 now he’s at home isolated. He assures me he’s not at all, but I live in fear every day. My husband is so laid back and calm and tells me he’s fine, they chat and laugh all the time and we hear him playing online laughing. If he doesn’t want to join us on a dog walk on lockdown we have to respect that and hubby is sure that once this is all over with the coronavirus that our son will go back to his paper round and he will build his confidence going out again.
He doesn’t want to go on to college in September because this particular group will be there. They are all still doing drugs, they were doing them in school and one of them collapsed and the teacher had to do CPR on them in front of my son. My son wants to put all that behind him and he has decided not to go onto College. This makes me sad because he wanted to do a media course because he wants to work with the media, but he has made the decision that he doesn’t want to go on to further education. I have to respect that, he said it would cause him too much anxiety and he needs a break from school and education.
He said that he wants to get an apprenticeship after the coronavirus and do a day release to college and he will try and get a college elsewhere. I am just really worried that this last year in school will have affected him, being locked up at home due to the virus as well coming at the same time I’m just really concerned that he will develop agoraphobia not be able to leave the house. At the beginning of lockdown he opened up and told me that his anxiety he had been bad and he got quite anxious talking to people. So this has obviously worried me that once the virus is over will he be able to get a job and socialise? What if he has social anxiety or maybe I’m over thinking.
My husband says I’m overthinking things and once the virus is over our son will go back to his paper round and as his confidence builds we can help him find an apprenticeship. I have spoken to my friend and they think that we shouldnt pressure him to find an apprenticeship straight away just give him a little bit of time off and let him continue to do his paper round and build his confidence. Which I agree with but of course I worry that he’s not going to go onto further education will that affect his mental health further because he seems to compare himself to other people his age a lot. He worries he’s different because he has suffered anxiety so I worry that if he hasn’t gone to college will that affect his mood.
Maybe I should not worry too much he’s only 16 and he has been through an awful lot during his time in high school. I’m incredibly proud of him for deciding to not follow that destructive path of drugs and being brave enough to walk away from a group of children that had become quite damaging to him. I just feel incredibly sad for him because he’s such a lovely young man, and I just want him to be happy, like he was when he had a group of friends before they all turned to drugs.
I have suffered anxiety since I was a child on an off because I came from quite an abusive childhood. I just never wanted my children to suffer in any way and I’ve done my very best to be the best mum I can be and all my children have always been happy and loved. They’ve had a stable childhood which is what I always wanted to achieve. I just feel that somehow I’ve failed him and I worry he’s going to end up like my brother who at nearly 40 years of age can’t work due to mental health problems. Ok his issues are severe as he has several serious mental health conditions. I shouldn’t compare. I’ve just seen him struggle and he’s always felt different and I never wanted my children to struggle.
I know I’m probably overthinking things but I would just appreciate anybody who has been through something similar to reassure me that everything will work out for him and maybe I’m just over worrying about his future. Any advice is appreciated. I have mentioned therapy to my son but he said he doesn’t feel he needs it and he said therapy just makes him feel even more different to kids his age as he’s a kid and he’s done therapy before and he hated it. So I’ve agreed it’s his decision if he feels he doesn’t need it, of course if he ever did we would pay private and get him support straight away, no waiting list.
This is long and I’m sorry, it’s taken me a lot to discuss as it makes me feel so anxious to think of what he’s even through: I’ve cried while typing.
Libby