How to help dd when she won’t open up to me

[Alfiemoon1]

I don’t know where to post this as dd is 18. Firstly I will say my dd is intelligent and kind hearted she is the one ringing her granny every day to check she’s ok she was at university but obviously that has closed so she is back home I am very proud of her and love her dearly and want her to be happy but she never seems to be

Background is she had school counselling during her a levels as she was secretly self harming she doesn’t appear to be doing that anymore although we talked I never really found the reason behind all that

So now to the issues I need help with she doesn’t seem to cope well with things she gets stressed she seems to turn conversations to be about her how bad it was is for her a recent example is when it was on the news about year 11 exams being cancelled I was discussing with Dh I think ds year 10 will have it tougher if they are off school for a long time and expected to do exams next year in which she piped up her situation was so much worse it’s not she can’t fail her next module as it’s based on previous grades she went on about being the first year doing the new gcse new sats etc ds was actually the first year doing the new sats.

She’s snappy with us she had crying fits she at times goads her younger brother who is that laid back he’s horizontal and when I tell her to leave it she says she’s an outsider in this family it’s us against her she’s the black sheep we don’t understand

I don’t know how to help her she won’t tell me what’s going on I am always wrong don’t understand but she won’t explain it to me I don’t treat my kids any different except ds gets more of a hard time as I have to nag him to do school work

I overheard her talking to her friends last night she generally talks loud she was slagging me off why don’t i care for her I am a shit mum my dsister is amazing blah blah Iam pleased dd has another adult she can talk to more openly than she feels she can with me I have a strained relationship with my sister I find her controlling a bully and has been financially abusive to me and my mum I had to cope with dd anxiety and chest pains during her a levels as my sister wanted her to go to York university which dd didn’t like as it was old and had higher grades but if dd feels she can talk to her that’s fine

How do I make her happy? I have been an am supportive interested in her studies her life she won’t open up to me about how she is feeling she has had a good childhood we have bent over backwards to give both kids opportunities to try out hobbies etc but nothing seems good enough for dd

She doesn’t sound like she needs help, tbh. She sounds rude, melodramatic and attention seeking.

It sounds like she likes to start competitive ‘who has it worst’ and you are engaging with her on this by telling her that it’s not as bad for her which she then uses as validation that you don’t care for her.

Any time she starts competitive ‘It’s bad for me too’ you need to close down the competition and ask her what support she needs. If she says it’s ‘worse for her’ remind her it’s not a competition but that you are here to support her too and hope you can all help each other.

That would hopefully be a good place to start.

I think you’re making excuses for her which is making it worse. She’s attention seeking, and instead of pulling her up on bad behaviour your are feeling sorry for her being unhappy. She’s happy getting attention slagging you off.

I'd be asking her why doesn't she go live with her aunt since she gets along with her better and doesn't like living in your house much.

@alfiemoon1 she is at that age where you can do no right. Ask her if she wants to go live with your sister if shes that great.
Then she will know how great you are.

I'm not sure this is attention seeking at all as she was self harming just recently. Do you think you could ask her about why she says she's the black sheep of the family? I wouldn't even necessarily reply and definitely don't defend yourself. Just listen. She's giving you some clues, just ask her to elaborate on them.

I do see it as attention seeking I don’t know why though? She has had a lovely upbringing lots of attention given every opportunity to do after school activities we have bent over backwards for her

I think there's a lot more going on with this than first appears. And remember if someone is attention seeking it is for a reason

This is a tricky one and without obviously knowing too much it’s hard to advise.
My daughter had been behaving like this when she was 13 through 15. Not only did she see a psychotherapist herself, I also got some parenting advice from a really experienced coach/ psychotherapist separately.
Two key things l learned -
One - both said my daughter hadn’t built up resilience and that she was probably a bit spoilt and i wasn’t calm and firm with her but pandered to her hence her extreme anxiety and histrionics. Batqueen’s response is great below - firmly and calmly but kindly shutting down the hysterical but assuring them you’re there to help. There are many books to read on how to respond to this type of behaviour. By tweaking how I respond to my daughter and staying calm it’s made a marked difference in her behaviour.
Second is finding something to engage with her in so you build up the communication in that area without talking about anything “heavy”. It had to be something she liked. Could be looking through online shopping sites, Pinterest, YouTube, (my daughter and I watched her favourite band on YouTube every evening after homework for months. I didn’t judge but genuinely asked questions and learned about the music and the band. We eventually communicated well in this area. She got a little calmer - I adjusted how I spoke to her and stayed calm and respectful but firm and gradually things improved.
I did feel though that I had to have lessons in how to adjust - my daughters anxiety behaviour and general downer on life made me pretty miserable but at 16 at the moment she’s much better. Good luck and hope this helps .

Great post lilactimes

OP, I understand where you are coming from. Ask her about the SH. Was it peer pressure? Did she do it to relieve internalised pressure on herself? Try asking her questions about why she says things, rather than focusing on what a great childhood she had. She clearly feels she didn’t, so ask her what makes her think that. As per PP, try to keep calm and maybe do something else while you have your chat, ie going for a walk or gardening.

I am reeling at the idea of York University being “old” when it was built in the 1960.