14 year old daughter with bad temper

[Ladyluck99]

Hi. I have one child who is 14. I co parent with her dad who takes her every second week. We had a big bust up yesterday and iv asked her dad to come and collect her early and I feel so guilty over it. We have Been having issues with her behaviour the last year and we have been told she has issues with emotional regulation. When things don't go her way she is a nightmare. She had been at boarding school but after a para suicide attempt ( she didn't intend to end her life it was disproportionate reaction to an argument) she has had to attend by day. After this happened we got support from social services, counsellors etc. They were helpful but I felt at times very judgemental and at times made me feel like I was the worst mother in the world. I have been attending dbt with her and this helps. I have done a lot of work around how I deal with situations, how to compromise etc. But yesterday I tried to talk to her about not being on her phone for 6 hours a day to her friend and she lost it. After an argument she won't give me space and is very antagonist. I asked her for space but she kept coming back into the room. She was right in my face and when I reacted finally she told me she was recording me. And that she would bring it to the counsellor the next day!!! I am far from perfect and I can have a temper but I am really trying. Nothing ever seems enough for her. I rang her dad and he said he would collect her. She seems to have a different dynamic with him and doesn't give him half the cheek I get. I know he is stricter. She uses the counsellor constantly as a threat. I don't want going to her dad to be seen as a punishment. And when I told her she was going she was like a dog but I didn't know what else to do. I just needed support. We are at home all day in a very small house. One part of me feels like I should keep her here and work through but another part of me feels I need to let her dad step up and support. This is the second time iv ever had her dad come and collect her early in 14 years and the guilt is so strong. Isn't it amazing. I just think I'm too soft and have been told I am too soft with her. I'm sorry for the rambling. I just needed to talk to people dealing with similar situations.

I have no experience off similar but have teenagers as this covid19 is hard for everyone try not be too hard on her re phone.
If she does all school work let her have phone they need their friends at this time.

Can you see the counsellor together?

Your daughter seems to think it’s acceptable to blackmail you over telling tales to the counsellor.

Perhaps you should let her. Tell her “fine record me, and for the record I’ve asked for space from you and you are in my face. I’ve promised to not do that to you and it’s not acceptable you do it to me. Tell that to the counsellor please and report back what she says. Thanks”.

Sounds like you could do with more support yourself. Teens are a nightmare.

Thanks for your helpful reply. Yes we can go to the counsellor together which is good. But she seems to think the counsellor is for me and not for her or us. She is never accountable and rarely apologises. I don't really have any friends in similar situations. I try to remove myself from the situation when it gets too much. We had actually made alot of progress so it's very disappointing but I suppose these things will happen.

You could try asking school to refer her for EP support. They're still working by telephone here but very quiet, so it may be easier to get an appointment.

FWIW I had a terrible temper when I was a teenager. I remember really clearly the day I decided it had to change. It was a real scales from the eyes moment. I was about 15, a friend had upset me about something and I lost it. Afterwards I just "decided" I couldn't let it happen again and to stop caring about the things that wound me up so much - to let it go. I realised the only person who cared and the only person I was upsetting was me and the only thing I would achieve by these outbursts would be destroying relationships. That thought process is really clear to me still, I can even picture what I was wearing and where I was sitting as these revelations came to me.

I can't say I've never lost my temper since but I definitely had it noticeably under control from that day on.

I dont know how you can "make" that happen for her but probably it does need to come from her.