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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter won't get up.

21 replies

Oakmaiden · 20/04/2020 16:06

She is still in bed now. 16 years old. She says she "can't" get up, and she just wants to stay in bed and cry. Every day.

Today she is supposed to have a drama lesson and a tap workshop (via zoom but I have no idea if she will do them. Her lesson starts at 5:15.

She has several dance lessons a day - this is normal for her, and she has obviously chosen to sign up for them and do them. But she hasn't done any since Wednesday. It pisses me off (over and above worrying me) as I do have to pay for them. She missed 10 lessons last week. If I point out that I have paid for these and if she doesn't do them I won't enrol her again she accuses me of not caring about her and only caring about the money.

I am worried and frustrated and don't actually know what to do.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 16:10

So it’s not that she won’t. She’s telling you that she can’t? And crying? Does she have a history of depression OP? She sounds really low.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 20/04/2020 16:11

She does have a history of depression. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know whether to leave her to it, or force her to get up and try to be normal in the hope that giving her a bit of routine will help her get back on an even keel.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 16:13

What treatment has she had before?
(I’m no expert BTW but had depression myself.)
And sorry OP. It’s hard. Flowers

Rupertpenrysmistress · 20/04/2020 16:17

That's a tough one, on one hand I get you want her to get up and get on with her lessons but on the other hand if she has suffered with depression it is not that easy (as I am sure you know). The worst thing for depresson is to lay in bed for hours a day.
Do you have good communication with her? Could you negotiate and say get up at X time, have breakfast and do one lesson, ideally she needs to get out for a walk once a day if possible.

This lockdown is awful for people with depression as it's encouraging all the things that make it worse.

Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 16:20

I’m going out once a day. At my worst just having a shower and getting dressed was a challenge though.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 20/04/2020 16:24

Treatment. That's funny.

We have been to see the GP. At the time she was exhibiting "suicidal ideation", self harming, high anxiety and very low. They referred to CAMHS. When she eventually got there they said she was meeting criteria for Autism, and suggested we got her assessed by the school (which is still ongoing) and arranged some appointments for her to talk about anxiety. She then announced that she never felt anxious and didn't need appointments so they discharged her.

The school phone me on a two weekly basis reiterating their concerns about her mental health. I make her appointments, she declines to talk to whoever the appointment is with, they discharge her. She was supposed to be starting a series of sessions with Mind this month, but obviously that is no longer happening. The GP says it is nothing to worry about, it is just what teenagers are like, she will grow out of it.

I feel frozen in the headlights.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 20/04/2020 16:26

She has just texted me and agreed to get up if I don't ask her to do any of her lessons but instead build a website with her.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 16:29

That’s bloody awful. It’s not what all teenagers are like. Not at all. (Ex teacher of teens.)
I’m no expert. But some ideas. Listen. Let her cry or tell you how she feels. Hug her if she will let you.
CBT. I was told to aim for a balance of what I needed to do, routine stuff and what I enjoyed. Could she/ would she plan a day like that? Don’t try and fill the whole day. Just give her something to aim for.
Little steps.
Any online stuff where you are? I was offered online help or reading material.
You sound like a brilliant parent BTW. It IS possible to come out the other side of this. It really is.
Is she Y11 so been getting ready for exams she now won’t take? Any contact with friends? Text etc??

happyjack12 · 20/04/2020 16:29

do that then at least she is wanting to interact with you, which can only be a positive surely? good luck.

Wolfiefan · 20/04/2020 16:30

X post. That’s great. She’s starting to find a way forward.
I can’t explain it but when depressed I find I can’t do certain things. Can’t open the mail. Can’t make phone calls. It’s not logical and I couldn’t say what stops me but I really and truly couldn’t do those things.

TheFredericaQuartet · 20/04/2020 19:30

I'm reading several threads where mums are saying their kids are in bed well into the afternoon. Seriously, I would install a lock on the outside of the bedroom door, keep the key, get the teen up by 11 at the latest and lock the bloody door.

I suffered with depression as a teen and know that taking to your bed during the day doesn't is a recipe for disaster.

I'd insist on a daily shower and fresh clothes - no lounging around in pyjamas - and out for a walk.

I'd also cancel the paid for lessons if she isn't doing them - plenty of free stuff on line.

I sympathise with you and your daughter, OP Flowers

TheFredericaQuartet · 20/04/2020 19:31

*random doesn't in my post.

Notonetojudge · 20/04/2020 23:09

TheFredericaQuartet How do you get a teen up that really doesn’t want to get up? Ditto take a shower if they choose not to? I’m curious, as I suspect are many parents of stressed, bored, unmotivated kids right now.

Etinox · 20/04/2020 23:23

God, poor lass and poor you. Give her a big long hug and try and get her outside Flowers

TheFredericaQuartet · 21/04/2020 01:04

You stand by their bed and say "it's 11am time to get up and into the shower"
Repeat if necessary.
A daily shower is non negotiable in this house.

TheFredericaQuartet · 21/04/2020 09:14

The last message was in response to how to deal with "stressed, bored, unmotivated kids". I do appreciate it's more complex with your DD, OP, but staying out of bed, keeping clean and fresh air are central to good mental health.

ImperfectTents · 21/04/2020 12:18

Lol at the crazy door locker. At 16 the are too old to be dictated to. It's a weird stressful time. My teen stays up all night and get up around 4, occasionally she is up during the day. After a few awful rows I am just rolling with it and trying to make the time we are together pleasant. Good luck with her.

TheFredericaQuartet · 21/04/2020 15:23

At 16 the are too old to be dictated to

They're not adults and still need guidance and boundaries.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/04/2020 17:34

You stand by their bed and say "it's 11am time to get up and into the shower"
Repeat if necessary.

Which is easier said than done, when she is lying there crying and you can see the marks on her arms where she has been scratching/cutting at herself.

However, after she eventually got up we went and planted some potatoes, and she then joined in a tap workshop. Which was apparently boring, as not challenging enough, but she did it.

She got up earlier today, and we have been working on a website for my Brownie unit (she is making it as part of one of her Rangers badges). She did her singing lesson today and says she is doing ballet tonight, so she seems a bit brighter today. She can be very up and down.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/04/2020 18:15

But if she feels down again tomorrow you can remind her just how much she accomplished today and how good she should feel about it.
I don’t think that reply was meant to be about your child OP. I do hope not. Stressed and unmotivated and bored is NOT the same as depressed and feeling driven to self harm. Not by a long shot.
OP. You sound like you’re doing great. Flowers

Etinox · 21/04/2020 19:00

It sounds like she did well today. Flowers for you both.

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