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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Please help, niece gone off rails, won’t isolate. Parents distraught.

26 replies

Doggodogington · 07/04/2020 12:03

Back story, my DN 18 met a boy 18 months ago. Since then she has given up a sport that she was doing so well in, gave up college, stopped going out with friends, out on two stone, started smoking, and weed.
Her mum has a lung condition which means she’s on the shield list, my DN is still going out and about, not isolating. She was brought home by the police this weekend as she was passenger in a stolen car that she insists her partner (who has no job and lives in a shed) bought fairly for £4000. It was a £14,000 car.
She sneaked out last night and they haven’t heard off her since. I am raging, We are a decent family, nothing like this has happened before. I don’t even know where to start. I feel like going to look for her and dragging her home but why should I break my isolation for her! Part of me says let her go live in the shed with him seeing as she likes it there so much.
I don’t know why I’m posting, just ranting really. If anyone has any insight to the teenage girls mind they could share I’d be very grateful.

OP posts:

WatchingFromTheWings · 07/04/2020 12:10

I'd be locking her out. She's an adult so can't force her to stay but can protect the rest of the household.

Hadalifeonce · 07/04/2020 12:14

It would be healthier for her parents for her to stay in a shed with BF than coming and going to their home.
As frustrating as it is, technically she is an adult and must be left to make her own mistakes, as difficult as that is for family, hopefully if she isn't pushing back against the will of her family, she will come to realise that compared to a nice home, a shed is pretty naff.

inmyshoos · 07/04/2020 12:16

Yup I also think let her go live in the shed. She's an adult. She needs to learn.

HollowTalk · 07/04/2020 12:17

I don't think she should be allowed back in with her poor mum. She'll soon get fed up of living in a shed and being with a boy who keeps getting arrested. He should be able to prove he bought the car, shouldn't he? How's she going to get around that?

PeacockPies · 07/04/2020 12:21

The last thing anyone should be going is romanticising the situation by trying to separate them. Or looking for her and dragging her into cars as she stares forlornly out of the window as you drive her away.

I’d be saying, ‘I can see that you love Jim and I understand why as he has a lot going for him, with his own shed and the skill of negotiating car prices but you can’t put your parents at risk like this so you should go and stay with Jim in the shed until this is over.’ Well, maybe not all of that but something along those lines.

Toomboom · 07/04/2020 12:22

I would also let her go to live in the shed! She is an adult and should be behaving as such. Pack her bags and leave them on the doorstep!

Original poster

Doggodogington · 07/04/2020 12:25

Thanks Peacock, that tickled me. You are all right, I think it’s for the best and then maybe she’ll wise up by herself.

OP posts:

iCorona · 07/04/2020 12:27

She’s an adult she has made her choice. Lock the door.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/04/2020 12:27

OMG @PeacockPies has it bang on.

Exactly that. Sorry for you and your family OP, it sounds nightmarish x

TeaMilkNoSugarThanks · 07/04/2020 12:31

I’d be saying, ‘I can see that you love Jim and I understand why as he has a lot going for him, with his own shed and the skill of negotiating car prices

HA! This made me laugh out loud for the first time in about three days. Thank you.

PeacockPies has it. Maybe give her a toilet roll as an isolation gift.

Camopetals · 07/04/2020 12:31

One of my parents is shielded, hell would freeze over before I'd let anyone put them at risk let alone an obnoxious, ungrateful 18 year old. Time for a life lesson, out on her ear.

Samtsirch · 07/04/2020 12:42

Wishing I had @PeacockPies around to help with my adult children 😁

AnnaC2020 · 07/04/2020 12:44

I’m 20 so not much older and tbh I’d just kick her out and lock the door

Original poster

Doggodogington · 07/04/2020 12:58

Thanks for your suggestions, I didn’t know whether I was being too harsh in thinking they should kick her out but it seems that’s the only solution. I guess the more they try and drag her back, the more she’ll rebel.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/04/2020 12:59

For her mums safety she needs to go and live in the shed. I’m sure it’s all terribly romantic to her.

One day she’ll need a mum to go back to. Probably after the first hard frost.

1Wildheartsease · 07/04/2020 13:05

Quite right PeacockPies! We've always found that the more you approve of your children's less desireable friends... the shorter time the relationships last.

Teens make their own decisions (based on what they really are and what they have learnt over many years in your care) so long as you don't offer them unasked-for guidance. Advice is a red-rag!

Nousernameforme · 07/04/2020 13:07

Yup let her go. It has to be done in this case.
For her mums sake and for her to realise what life is like with jim. Do let her know she can always come back after if it doesn't work out. No shame needed.

1Wildheartsease · 07/04/2020 13:09

She does have to leave if she is bringing danger to her mother.

The shed will be very romantic for a while: 'Love in a hut, with water and a crust'

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 07/04/2020 13:14

Peacock has it!

Her parents need to make this solely about the risk to their health. Nothing at all to do with Jim or her shitty behaviours.

They need to keep it all friendly and relaxed and when she comes back (they need to have the doors locked so she can’t just waltz in) they say “oh darling, surely you know you can’t stay here now? You’ve been exposed so can’t be in the house or mum will get sick.” Hand her a bag of clothes if necessary.

SpillTheTeaa · 07/04/2020 13:23

I wouldn't even be entertaining it. If she can't at 18 understand and respect simple rules to keep her own family safe and wants to hang out with someone who lives in a shed. Be my bloody guest. Let her hot box herself in the shed with her boyfriend and piss off. .

I don't beat around the bush especially when it comes to disrespectful teens.

LagunaBubbles · 07/04/2020 13:25

I'm surprised her parents haven't told her to leave already, as difficult as that may be. Every single time she leaves the house and mixes with others she risks bringing something back that would probably kill her Mum. Not sure why you think telling her to go is harsh.

LennyPugGoat · 07/04/2020 13:28

I agree with all, lock the door and let her learn the hard way in the shed.

Original poster

Doggodogington · 07/04/2020 13:28

I’m still laughing at Peacocks suggestion, I’ve suggested it to my parents and they are in agreement and are wondering if “Jim” would be able to source them a car

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 07/04/2020 13:44

Peacock is right...it's not about kicking her out it's about supporting her while she follows her chosen lifestyle and be there to pick up the pieces when she realises she's totally messed up

Remind her to take her pillow and warm jumper - she might need them on the shed.

qweryuiop · 07/04/2020 13:48

Can you offer a safe space for her to come back to if things go wrong with the boyfriend? Obviously I know nothing about your circumstances, but it would be good if she could have a get-out if it does end, that doesn't involve her putting her mum at risk again.

@PeacockPies has it spot on, otherwise!

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