Made a huge mistake!!

[Dakota1989]

So I don’t even know where to start my teen is 13 he’s been up and down over the years in regards to behaviour.. he’s never been diagnosed with anything but does have a statement for his emotional and social development.. previously went to a special school for a couple of years in primary years 2-5 fast forward he’s done so well over the years but of course has now turned into a stroppy teenager

Well the current lockdown situation has escalated things in our household he just doesn’t listen to me or my partner (not his dad) he’s constantly pushing boundaries and today we got in to a shouting match ..: he went to hit me so I slapped him :( now I caught him in the mouth so cut his lip and scratched him with my nail ... I’m absolutely devastated he obviously had a red mark too .. he ran out into the street crying so I sent my other half out to get him thinking this would be the best idea so that things didn’t escalate further with me and him he started shouting at my partner get away from me I don’t want her to hit me again ..: the neighbors called the police ... obviously thinking my son is being abused which I get... but they arrived asked what happened we told them they took pictures of my sons face and my details and sons school details and said some one would be in touch to talk to us both again .. i now can’t sleep for worry as to what will Happen .. am I going to get done for child abuse assault what?? Will my son be taken away from me .. he’s my world my only son I’m petrified and if I could take this all back in a heart beat I would I have never hit my son and things have never escalated this bad what on earth will I do I’m sorry for the long post but I just don’t know where else to turn :( I can’t be the only parent this has happened to I understand what I did was wrong please anyone with advice on a similar situation could you help?

I don't think your son will be taken away if you tell the truth about what happened, the fact that he was poised to hit you. Also your son won't want to leave his home. Please don't worry about that but, goes without saying, don't slap him again. You know it was wrong and don't be afraid to say you're sorry.

What is more difficult is living with your boy's behaviour now you are, presumably, confined together most of the time.

I can't offer advice, am not qualified to do so and have no similar experience as a parent. However, attempting to put myself in your position, I think I would try treating him as a grown up, asking for his opinion on things and making suggestions. He knows he's being pain but may respond to reasonable, adult talk.

If you have a room, other than his his bedroom, that he could use to do his own thing, that would be good for him. His own little den. Or if you can't do that, maybe his bedroom is big enough to be a bedsitter. Somewhere for him to be private. The biggest advantage would be not falling over each other all the time. It could be quite an exciting project for him too.

Tell him you want him to join you and your partner for meals or at least one meal a day, for him to clean up after being in the bathroom and to sort his laundry but other than that, he's free.

It's worth a try.

Reading back what I just wrote I can't help really wishing my parents had given me space, privacy and freedom within our home. I had none! That's probably why I appreciate it so much now.

Like you, I have one child, a son. He's forty and an international musician (at the moment not going anywhere of course, all dates and tours cancelled until further notice but he is doing some quite interesting and exciting work from his home); he had loads of freedom and no hassle from us - plenty from school at times but we weathered that and now, of course, his old school is immensely proud of him (typical).

This is not a boast, I'm just telling you to illustrate that it works to tailor your parenting to suit your child, who is an individual. I've been on both sides and can assure you, I was a horror! When I look back I think it is a miracle that I lived beyond my teens.

All the very best to you, you have my sympathy and please keep coming back here to tell us how things go. I'm sure others will be along with better suggestions.

Take care.

Hi there thank you for your advice it’s appreciated... after the incident today once we had all calmed down we had a family meeting and came to the conclusion we probably don’t listen to each other enough so this is one of the things wrote down and agreed to and that we will have one day a week with out technology... funny you should say I could make him a room of his own lol over the last few weeks he has started to turn the spare room into a games room moving his ps4 out of his room and his gaming chair and I bought him a new stand .. so he now takes over two of the rooms in the house lol .. but I think gaming is half the problem it’s all he wants to do he currently has a home school plan from 9-3 then is asked to do one thing around the house to help us such a hoover or wash up .. washing up is what it started over today by the way .. but he is then pretty much free to do as he likes and during that school work period he has an hour lunch a 15 min break and half an hour fresh air time to walk the dog so I don’t feel we are unreasonable but I just feel like this has bubbled and bubbled and came to a head today the constant bickering and not listening and thinking that he can just do and day as he likes I mean we do have large periods of settled behaviour but also the opposite he is very loving and very much a mommy’s boy a lot of the time and its been a massive shock to us all that it’s came to this today and it will of course never happen again I mean I’ve googled everything you can think of and the fact that I left a mark on my child every thing just says child abuse and children can be taken away I can be done for assault the fact the police left leaving us with no info is now why I’m unable to sleep my son has a loving home I adore him so does my partner so does his father we live a good like he has a great co parent support network so now if he taken away or I’m charged with assault etc the ramifications of this would be massive for us I know I’ve messed up and I only have myself to blame I just don’t see how I will come out of this the other side :(

I think this should be a wake up call for you OP. I very much doubt anything will come of it from a SS POV.

So what would have to happen to make things better?

Sorry I’m new to this .. what does OP mean .. yes it is a very big wake up call I think for all of us my son is devastated also he has sobbed just as I saying he never wanted this to happen ... I have no idea what changes now.. if nothing comes of it with SS then I guess maybe I need to ask for help so it doesn’t happen again although I can swear it won’t but just so we don’t get back to that point .. I guess the fact the police took pictures just makes me feel they wouldn’t do that for no reason :( but then why just leave with out anything just that someone will be in contact like who’s someone them? SS? It’s all one big mess

OP just means Opening Poster. It's a quick way to refer to someone who starts a thread. If this thread gets longer, you might see pp which means previous poster.

You were wrong to hit your son but you know that and it was an instinctive reaction because he was about to hit you. You didn't have time to stop and think rationally. I think its extremely unlikely that the police will take things further. The threshold for removing children from families is very high. It certainly wouldn't happen for a one off incident of that degree of severity.

Being cooped up together is stressful for most families at the moment. By having a family meeting, you've already made the first step towards making the situation into a more positive experience.

I've found the book "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" useful. Another book often recommended in here is "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town." "I think you can get them both on Amazon.

OP please use some full stops and paragraphs, makes reading lots of text much easier.

I think you’re being very hard on yourself. Of course what happened was horrible for you all and was, as you say, a mistake. But from your description of how you are managing these stressful times with balancing his schoolwork, dog walking, home help and also his free time I think it sounds like you’re doing pretty well! He must have a degree of respect for you to commit to all that, many others are holed up in their bedrooms doing bugger all!

Also if you can sit and discuss problems as a family it demonstrates that you value his input and don’t just dictate. I can’t help thinking that this isn’t going to go any further with the authorities, but if it does then anyone looking at your circumstances and general parenting as you describe wouldn’t have any problems.

If anything, I’d encourage more independence from him. If you allow him more control he might be happier?

Hi @1066vegan again thank you also for the comments I will look for those books also ;) I hope your right in what you are saying, however I am a worrier and over thinker I will lose sleep till this is all over now, I’d rather the knock on the door be today than in a weeks time I just don’t know how I will cope then to sit there and have to replay it all in the hope that they believe I’m not a child abuser :( just feels like if I ever thought I’d messed my life up and was an awful parent ... Yesterday was the day!!

@PP Sorry just me frantically writing in the middle of the night on my phone with out thinking.

Believe me committing to the school work and dog walking etc isn’t with out challenge, as we discussed yesterday even if he does things he’s asked it isn’t with out attitude, backchat and questioning as to why, or a delayed response In doing so. I.e yesterday ignored my partner to do the washing up argued and argued over it, I turn the internet off then it’s an even bigger blazing row as he’s “died on his game” before you know it it’s way out of hand, something so small has ended up potentially changing all our lives forever!
I’m unsure what you mean by more control in what sense? I feel I do set out tasks for him and his days (whilst giving some choices) but if I just leave everything to him he would just sit infront of a screen for 12 hours which would drive me insane. His whole life revolves around games how quick he can finish a task and get back to his game, what time he can go on his game how much money he can have to spend on it. I mean I’ve clearly made him the monster he is by buying him the games to some degree I just don’t get why it takes over his life so much to cause this much stress in our household x

You’re expecting too much of him I think. A day at school included talking with friends, listening to teachers, moving between classes etc so actually if he manages 20-30 minutes for each subject per day I would let that be enough. I’d also let him plan his own day around his gaming and his subjects- so if he wants to sleep in til 10 and then game til 11 and work from 12-4 then game then eat then do some reading in the evening- fine! Let him have a taste of adult life where no one tells you what to do and when- but your consequences catch up with you. Let him
Manage his own time and see how he gets on. This is a difficult time so if he enjoys gaming, and it’s probably done with friends online, cut him slack about it. Learn from this and move forward to make it a positive thing you all changed from.

The police took photos because it will be reported as a Safeguarding concern- which it is. Your house and with you is supposed to be the place you ensure your child is safe from harm and you didn't do that- so it is a safeguarding concern. The photos are evidence of that for the police and social services.

However, there are levels of safeguarding concerns. I am not saying this incident will simply be dismissed; it won't but it will be discussed with you both, probably his school will be asked if they have any concerns about parenting, behaviours and an assessment made of how great the risk of continued harm to him is and what, if any, action needs to be taken to ensure his safety.

I think (was a designated teacher and safeguarding lead in a secondary school) nothing much will happen if it is as you have described. You may be offered some advice about dealing with 'flare-ups' but I think that is likely to be it. It might involve one visit from a social worker .

It will be recorded at social services and the photos stored so that, if there are ever any other concerns raised, they have that info about what has happened.

Hi you will likely get a phone call from a social worker in a few days and they might request your permission to do a welfare check by also ringing a teacher. Just tell them honestly what life is like, what led to the incident and what you all did about it afterwards. If there are no other findings they will suggest some family support services you could access if you wanted. That's what would happen in my area anyway.

I’ve been in a similar position due to having aggressive (adopted) children who also lie. But they were at the time quite a bit younger than your son, and already under the radar of Children’s services.
I’ve been interviewed under caution twice by police but nothing came of it. And the first time I wasn’t allowed to be alone with my children while it was investigated, which was awful as my sisters had to stay overnight and we had to take my elderly mom on holiday with us.
Since then my oldest dd has been in court several times for assaulting me. She’s now 18 and I’m currently nursing cuts and bruises from her latest attack on me a couple of nights ago. Did I stand and take it without retaliating? Did I hell. She’s now gone to stay with a friend and I’m in no hurry to have her back.
I’m glad you’ve been able to talk to your son and I hope this was a one off that you can put behind you.

Hi all again thank you for the responses they are very reassuring!! I appreciate it I never came here to look for sympathy but you have all been kind and that’s appropriated as I’m beside myself. Our house is very quiet today so I think we are all stil in shock. @Isadora2007 gaming is the issue due to the amount of time and the arguements caused to get him to complete simple tasks like come down for dinner on time, get up shower walk the dog at a decent time, I am one for structure as I believe children need it and my son would just abuse the fact I’ve left him to his own devices he has done numerous times in the past I.e I can pop out on a Saturday morning state to him I will be back in a few hours I have errands to run. I will ask that he showers eats and gets ready before I’m back so that we can go out as a family .. I come home 3-4 hours later he’s lost inside a computer game hasn’t had breakfast, showered nothing, we are now in a rush or shouting match for him to get ready . When in the first place the choice was his to run his morning.
@LuluJakey1 Thank you for your response I’ve understood this I know they have to come and check on him which I’m fine with it’s just about them taking it further. Everything you read online is so scary and I’ve never been in this position before. The school I feel will support that I’m a good parent im ashamed that they will have to know what I’ve done I’ll be honest but they have seen my son from year 7 to now year 9 and know he can be handful! That being said at the last parents evening the head of behaviour stated that if he was to ask all the teachers in the school to name their favourite child my son would be in Everyone’s top 5. Just because of his outgoing nature he’s funny kind and lovable, definitely the class clown. My son goes to a strict school so they do have to reign him in now and again but they believe he will go far in life on his charm alone. So I don’t believe they have any concerns about him I see them every term for parents evening, they ring me when they have concerns if he’s had a bad week or good week even. They keep good contact with the parents. But again thank you for your knowledgeable response praying you are right :)

@scrapthatthen thank you also, yes I think support in just breaking our old habits and from being stuck in a rut I think will do us some good. I’ve just downloaded the books someone previously mentioned so will read those over the next week or so. I’m far from a perfect parent but I do try so hard I love my son and would never want to hurt him we have had a rough time of it over the years but are now in a really good position in life we both have brilliant jobs ( we the partner did till he got let go 3 days ago) we bought our dream house last year we are supposed to be getting married next year, we do a lot of stuff family wise days out holidays every year we have no reason to be unhappy and so against each other all the time. The things we ask of my son to help and be part of the faintly don’t seem like much to me.

@Papergirl1968 hi that’s so sad to hear I’m so sorry, I couldn’t think of anything worse than this being a regular occurrence. I’m on the edge due to this one incident. Can I ask did they question you under caution straight away? Or did they get back to you as with my situation? They turned up asked what happened spoke to me and my son at the door step took pictures of his face (I walked away when they spoke to him to give him a chance to have his say) they stated someone would be in touch. They didn’t state anything either of us said was under caution. Just that someone may want to speak to us both separately again but my sons version matched mine. :(

The first time I had to attend the police station at a later date, and the second time I had to go later the same day, I think. I don’t remember much about the first time - even though a few days had passed I think I was in complete shock. But the second time I got the impression the officer was actually very sympathetic and understanding.
Social workers are working from home at the moment and only going to see the children most at risk, and the police are rushed off their feet too, so I can’t honestly see this going anywhere.

Ahh ok I understand I know it’s a wait and see issue but I’m so worried. Well the lady officer (bad cop) was horrible to me and was like it’s assault the man (good cop) was like no what she’s trying to say is that we will have to refer it to investigate but your sons story match’s yours .. then went on to ask if I was ok if there was anything else wrong that they could help with and also picked up on the fact I wasn’t very well and asked what was wrong, I told him my symptoms which consist of a high temp and flu like symptoms #corona and he looked sympathetic but the woman was horrible but I think the fact I have symptoms probably also made them want to escape quickly lol x

Yep, it was a woman dealing with us first time around and she was horrible.
I know it’s pointless to tell you not to worry but your story matches your son’s so I can’t see the need for an interview. And he is 15, not a vulnerable small child.
They will also know that everyone is stressed living on top of each other the way we are at the moment.

Hi thanks again I do appreciate it, my family have said the same but this has never happened to anyone of us or anyone I know has been through this so the unknown is hard.. but yes he is 13 sorry.. yeah I feel like we’ve gone from doing ok with the usual stresses to this week having our whole lives ripped away with potentially more to come I know the whole world must be feeling the same .. we had a two week holiday booked to Jamaica next month also which would of been some great time away for us all which now there is just no hope for a break at all I don’t know what the world will do let alone us.I know we are not the worst off and I feel selfish for moaning, it’s just so hard when everything is crashing around you then you have gone and made things worse for yourself. :(

Ah, 13 sorry.
Don’t beat yourself up. We are or were the same - a respectable family with no one ever in trouble with the police. I even worked for the police for ten years!
And for neighbours, friends or anyone else who gossips or looks down on you over this, remember the saying (Chinese proverb?) Don’t judge me till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.
I’m sorry about your holiday - sounds like you could really do with it right now.

@Dakota1989 when and how do you consider he WILL learn to self regulate though? Perhaps he needs it in stages- but I can pretty much assure you that many teenage issues arise from control, and lessening that control on your part can only be a good thing, and an essential life skill for him. You even say he is “constantly pushing boundaries” which says to me great you have boundaries BUT you need to listen to what he is telling you- that he needs more give now as he is older and needs that responsibility and control and I am also certain he doesn’t need to work 9-3 at 13. 100% certain.

Yhh I understand what your saying I guess I just struggle to know how I feel like he has a lot of freedom already there are somethings I ask and expect of him which I feel are necessary for him to grow up into the great young man I know he’s destined to be he’s an amazing child who’s bright with a great personality. Just at home he can be someone else he can go from clearing the old neighbors drive of snow with out being asked and putting the neighbors bins away on a Monday afternoon to being a shouty child who has no respect for anyone at all who feels the whole world is against him because you asked him to put the bins out .. I don’t know it’s hard to describe to be honest. His school regimes from 9-3 isn’t as bad as it sounds honest. So 9-9.30 breakfast and shower 9.30 - 10 English/reading 10-10.30 maths 10.30-10.45 break time 10.45-11.30 science 11.30-12:15 art 12.15-1.15 lunch break 1.15 -1:45 walk the dog 1.45 -2.15 history 2.15 -2.45 Spanish 2.45-3.15 one job around the house for mum .. I made his favourite subjects longer but to me he can’t have the next 5 months off school and play ps4 that’s just not the way I feel is the best way forward he will become lazy and his brain will be fried by those games. Also after that he has his own free time to do as he wishes untill bed time at 10 I don’t then get on his case x