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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Scared for me and my teen

20 replies

Westyweezy · 01/04/2020 20:16

I dont really know where to start....I'm new and literally dont know where to turn. This might be a long post...

I have a 13 year old son. For the past year or so he's not been behaving at school. Low level disruptive behaviour, but its consistent. School have tried various approaches and nothing is working. Things escalated just before lockdown when he called a teacher a slut.

When my husband and I talk to him at home to try to understand his behaviour at school, he quickly becomes defensive and often gets aggressive. He hits, punches, spits and says the meanest things- he hopes we die, I'm fat and ugly, a slut, bitch, c**t.

He used to show more remorse than he does more recently.

Currently things are horrendous at home. He point blank refuses to do his school work. When we try, it invariably leads to him either hitting, or storming off. Today I have been spat at, told to suck dad's dck, and to fck off.

He is academically able (currently in top sets at school).

He also 'sneaks' sweet food - I discovered tonight a cake we had in the house, 3/4 eaten, under his bed, and the packet of a chocolate orange which was in the cupboard, both consumed in the last 24 hours - not sure how relevant that is....

I'm scared. I'm scared he's really going to hurt one of us, or himself. I'm scared for me as I really wasn't sure I could cope any more when I went to bed last night. I'm scared for his future. I'm scared for his future relationships. I'm scared I've created a monster....

OP posts:

Aramox · 01/04/2020 20:21

Poor you. Have a read of the Parents of Teens thread (PoT). Right now, would it help if you focused on making your home life livable and let school worry about their bit? It sounds like you might need Camhs or some other intervention when that’s possible. If he’s actually attacking you it might be time to contact police. Especially in lockdown. It’s not safe for any of you.

Dragongirl10 · 01/04/2020 20:21

Op why is his father not stepping up with discipline? if our 12 yr old said any one of those words in our home my DH would knock him across the room!! and l would too.There would be no 'trying to understand '

We have never even smacked our 2 Dcs, but no way would l accept this behaviour. It must be horrible but how has it got to this, what consequences does he have?

Original poster

Westyweezy · 01/04/2020 20:39

I have been to my GP but they referred me to a place which said their waiting list was full. Dead end.
In terms of discipline, it's very difficult as he gets hit, punched and called names too. We're scared to retaliate and if that would turn into a full on scrap.
The reason I said 'try to understand' is that the key for me us to try to stay calm because as soon as it's not, the aggression starts.
In terms of consequences, all privileges are gone - xbox, phone, tv time...

OP posts:

gingganggooleywotsit · 01/04/2020 20:59

Poor you that sounds horrendous, and must be so hard in lockdown. His language, sucking dick/slut etc, do you think he might be watching violent stuff/porn online? I don't want to worry you but maybe could check your parental controls. Otherwise have you any extended family that he's close to like a grandma/uncle? Maybe you could make him see how his behaviour would be seen through their eyes, or get them to have a word? Also when lock down is over try and work together with school and doctors to get everything sorted. Also Google non violent resistance to help teenagers with aggression.

Original poster

Westyweezy · 01/04/2020 21:03

I'm pretty sure he's not looking at porn - parental controls are tight.
Sadly, I dont think he'd respond well to anyone else talking to him - he is just so disinterested in family and relationships other than his mates.
I will google your suggestion - thank you x

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 01/04/2020 21:04

@Dragongirl10 why is the answer hitting the boy? Ffs
Op, if your ds was previously good and well behaved then you need to find out what's changed, is he hanging out with the wrong crowd, taking drugs, watching or playing inappropriate things, being bullied? Unless he's always had this underlying?

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 01/04/2020 21:11

Do you think there may be a background anxiety at play? I know your son hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but I wonder if some of the strategies used for PDA etc may help
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx
Hopefully someone knowledgeable will be along soon

WeakandWobbly · 01/04/2020 21:15

I feel for you, as I realise my DS12 has potential to be the same (insults, complete lack of respect and sugar cravings) Has he been checked for autism? Specifically look up PDA, which can manifest in teens as complete belligerence and aggression. Some of the coping strategies involve keeping demands to a minimum, so tomorrow being a fresh start resolve to say as little as possible to him to calm things down.
Speak to your GP ASAP and contact your CAMHS single point of access if you were ever referred in the past. They can reopen the file and get a youth worker involved (Covid- permitting).
The sugar cravings point to blood glucose swings related to imbalanced natural gut flora. Try daily probiotics for children, bio yoghurt, plenty of fresh veg and a high fibre cereal.
I can only speak from my experience, but I hope some of this helps.

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 21:18

Do you have other children?

As far as schoolwork's concerned I would imagine he's got enough pride re being in the top sets and won't let that slide. I wouldn't give yourself grief over that and wouldn't argue the toss with him about schoolwork. It might be an idea to get a teacher onside who writes to the class to remind them that their place in a set might change, dependent on how much work they've done. He would probably respond better to that than to anything you say.

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 21:19

Parental controls might be tight on a laptop but not on a phone? I'd be very surprised if he's not watching porn, with the way he's talking.

MontysOarlock · 01/04/2020 21:19

He hits, punches

Why haven't you at least threatened to call the police? And if he did hit either of you again, I would. All this shows him is that he can get away with this type of behaviour toward you.

If he hit/punched another adult, ie a teacher or just a person in the street, they would definitely call the police.

Original poster

Westyweezy · 01/04/2020 21:31

We dont have other children.

We have threatened to call the police and I did actually get in the car one evening a drive to the station, but was too scared to see it through. I dont know what would happen next.

When i went to see the GP i was so upset, but was not given CAMHS referral. I do have a referral from school to the educational psychologist, but obviously now have to wait until we return to school.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 01/04/2020 21:34

if our 12 yr old said any one of those words in our home my DH would knock him across the room!! and l would too.

Seriously @Dragongirl10
How do you think assault, violent behaviour, and child abuse is going to help in this situation ??

OP - my heart goes out to you. Really difficult at any time, but these circumstances must intensify everything.
(The food / sweet things thing isn't unusual at all - a LOT of teens go through that).

HollowTalk · 01/04/2020 23:01

I agree that you should call the police if he's violent towards you. He has to know that he can't do that.

WideSea · 01/04/2020 23:30

Has he been checked for autism? Specifically look up PDA, which can manifest in teens as complete belligerence and aggression

^ What Weak and Wobbly said.

Poor you OP. I’ve been there to a large degree and nothing works, at least not the usual discipline - it just Inflame the situation more.

Do look up PDA (it is a form of autism), often missed, and leaves people completely bewildered as it doesn’t usually appear as normal autism e.g. they can maintain eye contact and can appear to function reasonably well unless any demands are made upon them. Then they are furious and completely uncooperative. I also had the strange eating habits. It may not be that of course. But there is obviously something clearly not right, that is absolutely nothing to do with you as a parent 😰. I think you need some serious help, although how you are going to get this is another question. Perhaps start with your GP again with more pressure? I really feel for you, it’s a desperately difficult situation to be in. I hope you can find some way to move things forward.

MontysOarlock · 02/04/2020 20:45

Why not just go and talk to the police to find out what would actually happen? You are scared, his behaviour is escalating. I would at least want to know that someone could stop this, even if it is the police.

If he gets into a confrontation with someone else and assaults them this is out of your hands. Talking to the police now is a sort of control of the situation.

He could have PDA but he could also just have hormones and an inability to control his outbursts, right now. But you have months until school reopens. At least talk to the police.

BackforGood · 02/04/2020 20:46

Look up Family Information Service and the name of where you live (service has changed to CASS - Children's Advice and Support Service - in my area, but a quick google seems to indicate FIS is still the name in more areas).

In my LA, phone lines are manned and they have diverted many LA support services (Educational Psychologists etc) to offer support to families struggling at this time. They might be able to offer some practical suggestions.

Original poster

Westyweezy · 02/04/2020 21:59

Can I just say a massive thank you to you all for your kindness, support and non-judgement.

I read lots about non violence resistance last night, and that even helped me with my approach today - today was actually ok!

I appreciate all the advice and take it all on board - thank you x

OP posts:

Aramox · 03/04/2020 07:15

Good luck! I’d be very interested to hear more about PDA in teens as I really recognise the behaviour here but have never thought ds is autistic and it all appeared in early teens- verbal abuse, oppositionality and tempers. Could it be all hormonal? And how can we help them through it? Keep us posted!

Fleetheart · 03/04/2020 08:55

My DS has ADHD, he is very like this at times; to be honest I sometimes think he has PDA at times also. I have a DD who is not st all like this; please don’t think it is something you have done
It is difficult to deal with; I have learned a few rules- don’t confront if possible; don’t raise the temperature;
Don’t corner him. Ignore the bad language and talk to him about it later when he is calmer. Ask for a referral to CAMHS for an assessment or go private if you can afford it or have health insurance. Try and be supportive but firm, walk away if he is being abusive. I haven’t got it right, but I have discovered some of the things that make it work.

Also have a look at Young Mimds website,
Maybe speak to them. Good luck, don’t be hard on yourself

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