Teenage sisters always fighting and not talking

[sprout44]

Hi All,
I have three girls, I just call them Mary 20yr old, Jane 18 yr old and K 14.
From a very young Mary and Jane were always fighting but it was not too bad and Mary was the most difficult and strong defiant one whereas Jane was always so good and quite. As they got older, things got a lot worse Mary is in college now and still lives at home, Jane is in her fianl year at school. M has lots of friends and is very social but at home, she is horrible to us all, rude and only shouts to get her own way, she has been very nasty to J over the years. J, on the other hand, has had an awful time at school, she is very academic but not very social, people do not seem to like her and her way to defend herself in the past three is to give you the silent treatment, she does it to me on a regular basis but she had not spoken to M in 2 years, they just taunt each other, calling names, : you big fatso, ugly etc. I did in the past take sides as I used to feel so strongly as to what M was doing to J but I realised that was counterproductive.
M has weekend job so they have not been so much together but now with this crisis, its dynamite. I did bring Jane for therapy a year ago and it was good, but she is back to square one again.
They had a big fight the other day when I was at the shops and I was so upset. Just to add I myself have a lot of resentment towards M as she can be quite mean and only cares about herself. DH and I talked to her yesterday but no, she will not change as it not her fault, etc etc and of course, J herself is so stubborn. They will never get on as they have nothing in common. My youngest K is stuck in the middle as they both get on with her. She just has such common sense and never reacts to anything. But its hard on her I feel as there is always stress in the house. I am in my 50 s so going through the Menopause atm so I feel horrible I was so upset with them last night, I just want to run away as that tension is killing me. I am not talking to either of them today I am so upset again. I do not want to do anything for them anymore and feel I cannot cope. DH is aware and feels it too but it does not bother him in the same way. Right, I want them to leave and give us some peace. M is due to move away for one year in August to France so hopefully, she may realize how good she had it at home. Sorry for the ramble and I guess there is not much more I can do. They both will not give in but its going to be hell as we are in Lockdown nowhere for two weeks at least.

My first reaction is that at 18 and 20 they are both adults and need to start acting like it, they both need to grow up. How lovely it would be if things were so easy!

My only advice at this point is a new rule; if you don't have anything pleasant to say, say nothing.

Do they share a bedroom? If not, then failure to keep the rule results in them going to their rooms (and keep their rooms out of bounds to the other). You can't make them like each other, you can't make them have a positive relationship...but you can insist on good manners, respect for your home and civil conduct.

Completely agree with fishing I think it reveals a lot about a person how they act toward someone they do not like.

They do not have to be best friends but they must at least be civil and polite to one another. They are both adults and acting like 5 year olds.

If this continues maybe Mary should be living somewhere else until she moves to France. Maybe you could suggest that to her.

Thank you for your replies, I only spotted this now. They are still behaving like this despite several warning but I try to ignore it, I heard them yesterday as one was passing the other out on the stairs and I was so upset but then I just said how upset do I really want to be here, and then just let it go. Mary will be going all going well in August but not option before then. I just have lots of friends and work colleagues whose daughters get on so well and look out for each other I will never have that.