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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 16 year old attempted suicide

25 replies

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 15:57

My 16 year old took an overdose last Wednesday. He's alive but his mental health is shot.

His father and I have been going through a very long difficult divorce and I blame us for adding to his woes. I'm divorcing his father because he was emotionally abusive and controlling, so our communication re my son's health is limited and challenging.

He currently lives with his dad, but found out that, whilst his dad was sitting next to his hospital bed the other day, he was also sexting women. My son is heartbroken at his callousness and I'm so livid I can barely think straight.

I want my son to come and live back with me, but my 18 year old daughter hates him and has now stormed out of the house at the prospect. I don't know what to do for the best. There is no family nearby, so my son has to choose between his dad's house or mine. What the hell am I going to do? I'm trying to keep everyone happy and losing my mind in the process.

OP posts:

LittleLittleLittle · 15/03/2020 16:01

Sorry to hear this.

You need to let your son make the decision of who he wants to live with due to his age. Unfortunately, you are powerless to do anything but let him see that there are parts of his life he can control. Just encourage him to take all the mental health support - if he gets any - that is offered.

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 16:04

I know that, but I think his mental health will worsen if he stays living with his dad.

He was so enraged with his dad after the sexting incident that he actually attempted to beat him up. What if that violent pattern worsens??

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fairynick · 15/03/2020 16:06

He’s your 16yo child. If your 18yo DD has a problem with him living there then she can move out, she’s an adult! Tell her to grow up and bring your boy home, it sounds like he really needs you right now.

Finfintytint · 15/03/2020 16:08

What are your 18 year old’s objections? Who runs your house?
It sounds like he needs your support.

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 16:11

I hear you and on a practical level I agree, but what message does it send to her? That he's more important than she is?? His needs are more than hers at the moment, but she's struggling too.

They have gradually hated each other more and more since the divorce began. Sometimes their fights would become physical and I think she's afraid (as am I), that in his current state, he might actually be a threat to her.

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bushhbb · 15/03/2020 16:13

Very scary time for you,

Sounds like it's best for your son to come and stay with you. If anything happened, you won't forgive yourself - I've experienced this and you really don't want to live with that on your conscience

Your sons life comes before anything your daughter wants. Don't let her call the shots on something this important.

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 16:22

Put like that, there is no choice. Thank you.

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LittleLittleLittle · 15/03/2020 16:29

OP if your son gets too violent then it's up to his father to tell him that he cannot live with him.

Your son is now of an age where he has to take some responsibility for his actions and deal with the consequences.

Please be aware if your son is violent towards his dad and has physical fights with your daughter then he is actually a risk to you.

titchy · 15/03/2020 16:41

Sometimes their fights would become physical and I think she's afraid (as am I), that in his current state, he might actually be a threat to her.

Woah that changes things. Do you think genuinely he could physically assault either of you? If so then you cannot have him home with you I'm sorry. You're no help to him if he's beaten the crap out of you.

What do the MH professionals say? social services?

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 16:45

They say that until he actually threatens himself or someone else again there's not much they can do.

The nurse I spoke to yesterday said that the anti depressant they've put him on is known to increase aggression and suicide in teens, so I need to get him to a doctor to change that, but I can't physically drag him there against his will. It's a complete nightmare when you're trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

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Topseyt · 15/03/2020 16:54

That is a very difficult situation, and your ex sounds like a complete arse.

Would it be worth contacting your GP to ask what support is available locally for you as a family, especially if DS needs to leave his dad's house, as it sounds as though he does.

Your DD is probably frightened too, as you say. Asking her to leave now could well give her the wrong message. She has probably suffered in the divorce too. Be open with her about what you are thinking and why, and any help you hope to access so that she doesn't feel pushed away. Talk to her and be sure that you understand the full reasons why she feels the way she does.

I have a nearly 18 year old DD who has suffered from mental health issues throughout her teenage years. At 16 I remember sitting beside her on the sofa while we called a CAMHS crisis phone line and she told them that if they couldn't start seeing her almost immediately then she would soon take her own life. She was in the throes of anorexia nervosa at the time, and I know for sure that it wasn't an idle threat. Having procrastinated for a while, CAMHS were suddenly able to come up with an appointment for her, and we began getting the much needed help.

I think it is called EWMHS now by the way. You need to know how to get referred to them. Use your DS's current crisis to lever your way in. Unfortunately the system is so under funded and stretched that it takes a crisis like this to kick start it.

Family therapy is often the order of the day once they have assessed DS and perhaps started him on any medication. You would be attending the appointments with him to start with, and then possibly DD might be able to attend a few, so that they have a full picture and you can all be referred for help if needed. My eldest DD is nearly 25 and did go to a couple of her younger sister's appointments, as they are really close as siblings. I think it really helped.

Good luck. I hope you can access the help you need, though you will probably have to push quite hard. Did the hospital he was in make any referral?

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 17:00

He's already with CAMHS and on anti depressants. The problem is he doesn't want help, or at least he's pushing back against it at the moment. He took the overdose whilst his dad was at home and then told his mate he'd done it, so I'm taking from that that it was a cry for help rather than a real attempt. However, I'm not foolish enough to believe he won't try again and succeed next time.

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Topseyt · 15/03/2020 17:00

It is ridiculous that you almost have to wait for him to assault and harm you, himself or DD before action can be taken, but unfortunately years of underinvestment have put the system in this position.

As I said, my DD had to tell them that she would definitely be taking her own life if they didn't get a move on. Your DD has already tried this, so you would hope that that would spur them on.

Topseyt · 15/03/2020 17:16

Sorry, your DS has already tried this, that should have said.

I have DDs, so my autocorrect always corrects DS to DD and occasionally I fail to spot it in time.

Giraffecantdanse · 15/03/2020 17:28

The nurse I spoke to yesterday said that the anti depressant they've put him on is known to increase aggression and suicide in teens

Some anti-depressants exaggerate the feelings before they improve. Check whether this increase in aggression is just a temporary state before you jump to conclusions.

I really feel for you. Take all the help you can get and also get some help for yourself {councellor/psychologist} so that you stay strong to support him.

LimitIsUp · 15/03/2020 22:03

I guess the drug is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor? Like setraline? Yes there was a study that showed that teenagers taking SSRIs were 4% more likely to report suicidal feelings compared to 2% taking the placebo, but then presumably he is under close monitoring for how he reacts to the drug. Also this study has been criticised for putting health care practitioners off from prescribing medications that can be very beneficial to young people.

As for your dd - it's suck it up buttercup! He tried to kill himself and he is already feeling very hurt by his fathers callous disregard. Don't compound this by not asking him to move back because you are sparing your dd's feelings.

So sorry that you have this angst and worry to contend with.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2020 22:14

Jesus! I’m so sorry.

Things must be awful between them if not even his suicide attempts makes your dd more lenient.

Could she move in with her dad?

Original poster

KatieSuz · 15/03/2020 22:59

Moving in with her dad would be putting her back into his abuse. He tried to gaslight me and my son again today, telling us we remembered what he did last week wrongly and we were stupid. I don’t want either of them anywhere near him but appreciate that it’s not my decision to make, particularly where my 18 year old daughter is concerned.

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june2007 · 15/03/2020 23:14

Bottom line is at 16 and 18 they have to decide themselves who to live with. You say sexting women, was it a particular women he is a relationship/friendship with because if so whats wrong with that? You need to talk with ex what ever to try and find the best support for both your children.

Seaweed42 · 15/03/2020 23:37

Can you get a referral for family or couples therapy so you and your DH can be communicate. These teens are directing the anger at each other instead of the parent or parents they are really angry at.
Your son is angry at his dad for texting other women because he could be harbouring a dream of getting you two back together. For things to go back the way they were. If he stays with the Dad then he is the link to keep the family together and stops the Dad leaving...type of thing.
Just guessing what could be going on. At all costs, speak neutrally and respectfully about your Ex in front of the kids. That is of utmost importance. You two chose each other, and can choose to split, but your kids have DNA from both of you.
Your daughter could be jealous of your anxiety, attention and constant fretting and hearing you talk about her brother. He is the 'cause' of her pain, so she projects all her anger on him. If he comes back to the house, she will be sidelined because he commands your greatest attention...as she sees it. Notice her reaction when you talk about her brother...does her mood change.
Is there a part of you trying to constantly prove to the kids that he is a shit Dad in order to justify the divorce? Many apologies if I am very wrong about that as I am just guessing from very little info...all the best for you and your kids.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2020 23:46

How on earth did the sexting come out??

Original poster

KatieSuz · 16/03/2020 06:27

I have no problem with him sexting who he likes. I have a problem with him doing it next to my child’s hospital bed. It’s inhuman at a time like that.

It came out because he left the phone by my son’s bed when he went to the loo and my son saw a message come through.

I’ve always tried to speak calmly and rationally about their dad despite the emotional abuse he laid and continues to lay on us all.

I can see every angle of his twisted this whole thing is. It’s just torture to continue to see my children in pain.

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OhCaptain · 16/03/2020 08:42

I’m so sorry.

Giraffecantdanse · 22/03/2020 16:57

@KatieSuz How are you? Have you brought your son home?

Original poster

KatieSuz · 02/05/2020 11:17

Hi Giraffecantdanse. I'm all over the place to be honest. I've not seen my son since lockdown started and if I try to get hold of him, I get one word texts back. He's left his dad's now and moved in with his girlfriend's parents. Whilst that's making him happier (which is good) I just wonder what'll happen when lockdown eases.

I'm struggling today to be honest. Not sure how me trying to save me and my kids by escaping from an abusive marriage has led to this.

OP posts:

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