How can I *really* help my son (Yr 11) without losing it and shouting at him!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

DS1, 15, is a lovely boy. Quiet, considerate, reliable and hard working. Clever at school and a reasonably high achiever. At the start of Yr 10 he was predicted to get mostly As or A*s for his GCSEs.

But over the last few weeks he has gradually changed - teenage hormones kicking in I suppose - and is now morose, hugely uncommunicative, can be rude and seems to lack enthusiasm for most things and people.

I came across some of his geography coursework today, that had been returned by his teacher after its initial drafting, and it was very clear not only how poor his work had been (sketchy, not finished properly, superficial, the minimum he could get away with) but also just how frustrated his teacher was with this piece of work - because he can do so much better.

We have had the same with some history coursework, which he has had to do all through the summer holidays, but led us to believe that it was a minor piece of homework. It isn't of course, because it counts towards his GCSE. He had left it until the very last minute (which we wouldn't have let him do if we had known it was coursework), and is now patently scrabbling around just to get something handed in, rather than doing a good piece of work. And this is supposed to be his best subject and the one he is most interested in!

I know that it's tough being a teenager, but I'm also very aware that this is really his one chance, and I really don't want him to mess up his GCSEs.

How can I help him? I know that I have to stay calm, and not get annoyed with him, but what's the best approach?

I have already put in a call to his year tutor today, and am waiting for her to call me back, but wondered if anyone else had been through this - either as a parent or a teacher.

I'm really, really upset about this and so want to help turn him around as quickly as I can.

zebrahead - it's late, and I'm tired, so I can't focus properly on your post and do justice to it now.

I posted here because I was/am very upset and was looking for help and guidance.

You may be right about putting undue pressure on my son, but don't tell me I don't know how difficult school was. Been there and done it. Got the t-shirt.

What I didn't do was waste my potential which is what my son is in danger of doing.

Thank you for adding to my sense of failure.

hay babe - teenargers are hard shit.

don't get tooo stressed - remember - its not the be all and end all.

even though when they seem like they are pissing it away you want to shout " ITS YOUR LIFEEEEEEE your screwing with"

in you own head remeber its not the be all and end all

Thanks Custy.

Empathy definitely required. Have had long heart to heart with two friends this evening and feeling more positive.

Cuddle with DS1 as well, so ended the day on a better note.

Hey kids will be what they want to be and pressurising them will not help. Our job is to to be there and love them whatever they do!

So this is your son:
"DS1, 15, is a lovely boy. Quiet, considerate, reliable and hard working. Clever at school and a reasonably high achiever. At the start of Yr 10 he was predicted to get mostly As or A*s for his GCSEs. "

Please listen to what Zebrahead has said. Your son sounds like the perfect one. He's clearly rebelling and your response is defensive and disappointed. Remember this is not about you. This is not his only chance, the world will not end if he doesn't do a stroke until exam time. Give him time, space and respect. He deserves it.

Sorry but I had to back up Zebrahead there. Children need to be listened to.

Hear hear. Totally agree.

Phew. For some reason I really didn't want to upset this OP.

why do you think you were upsetting any one?

Because she seemed really upset to be criticised by the teenager.

Its a hard job being a mum and you just want the best for your kids but you are right to say give them space, pressure doesn't help. If you are always there for them no matter what it'll always work out in the end.... or am I wearing rose tinted glasses???

I think my rose-tinted glasses were shattered when my dd turned 8 - we are only just starting to get her into some kind of shape for doing her homework etc. So I think anyone that can get their child to 15 without rebellion should be incredibly proud and thankful.

This gets down to another discussion of nature versus nurture. I think i've been very lucky with my kids, 15,11+5 but who knows how much that was down to me or their nature??

I don't think it's one or the other it's a bit of both. But I think parents often forget that being a parent changes you and should do. You learn as much from your child as they learn from you, and therefore it is vital that you listen to them. All children have blips and problems and issues and we only get over them if we listen and learn. Most children reaching crisis point (suicide, depression etc) say that they felt that nobody listened to them.

Far too late for me now so nightnight.

Yes, I know we're very lucky to have got this far!

But we have always given him lots of space and respect, and have trusted him to be responsible enough to get on with his work without us nagging or pressurising him.

My point is that all this - at the start of his most important year at school - seems to be beginning to crumble, and he isn't doing the work he should be, as well as he can and - worse, IMO - seems happy to accept lower grades.

The reason for asking for help is to know how to deal with it without coming down on him like a ton of bricks!

Trust him, encourage him, support him, talk to him and be available when he wants to talk to you. While this may seem like the most important year, it's not. Every year up to this point was just as important and given the son you describe you have done a wonderful job so far. Keep doing whatever you have been doing.

It may be that your DS is now in with a group where it's not cool to study. Whatever the reason the important thing is not that he gets straight As/A* but that his results are good enough to get him on to the next stage - i.e. good results in the subjects he wants to do for A level. At A level then the important thing is to get the results necessary to get into whatever University/course he wants to do. My DD is the expert at getting exactly what she needs for each stage - and not putting in an ounce of effort more than is needed to get it, teachers have been tearing their hair out for years because she does not deliver the results which would be so good for their league table! GCSE and A level revision were done lying on the sofa, when she bothered to do any - her natural ability for Physics and Maths ensured she exceeded what she needed for her Uni offer, but we await with interest what happens when she starts!

One thing I did do at your son's stage was to explain that certain levels of results were needed to get to the next stage. I did explain the various ways of doing things - i.e. you can get the necessary A levels and go to Uni, you can not get the necessary A levels and get a job while doing the Open University (she always said she wanted to do a degree). She immediately saw the advantage of getting the necessary results! I also showed her various techniques of memorizing etc. - i.e. the maximum result for the minimum effort, which really pleased her!

Re the 'it is easier to do it in school time' line. I often tell underperforming students of my time teaching in adult education.

I was teaching people who had done a days work/ coped with the family, done all the chores, helped kids with their homework and then came to me for 2 hours of Biology! And these people were often there because, after many yaers in a particular job they wanted to change direction and found that they were stuck, because they didn't have the wualifications that they needed. One poor woman had a place to train as an RE teacher, but needed to get a GCSE in a science!

Yes, you can do things later, but doing A levels as a 16-18 full time in school tends to be far less stressful than doing them as a parent/ person in paid employment.

And while it obviously makes perfect sense to listen to the teenager, it can take the life experiences of an adult to see some of these advantages. Beacsue adults have been teenagers, wheras teenagers have not yet been adults.

Thank you MB - I think you understand where I'm coming from!

I am well aware that in the great scheme of things if he doesn't get straight As this is not the end of the world. And I'm really* really trying to stop myself pressuring him to achieve this.

My frustration is the complacency he seems to have, along with an increasing lack of interest/enthusiasm for doing anything.

I feel a bit like I'm going round in circles here trying to explain myself to you!

Anyway - plan of action is this:

1. Work constructively with DS1 this weekend to help him get his coursework in on Monday, on time, and done to the best of his ability. Help, reassure and praise will be my mantra.

2. Move onto the next critical piece of work, hopefully in the same mindset on Monday, because this (which is not a draft piece of cousework) has to be in on Thursday, and what he has done so far is a lamentable piece of work. Comments from his teacher so clearly express his frustration as well

3. Meet with his year tutor (who has known him since Yr 7) to establish what is happening at school and to work together to establish some strategies that I can follow at home (to support what's happening at school). Using MB's very useful suggestion of hard facts. Will also decide at this point if we need to take things further and meet together with DS1

4. Elicit a list of key dates for coursework/homework to ensure that we know what has to be done and by when so that we no longer have the last minute panicking

5. And through all of this try to develop/maintain a two-way communication process and stop being a shouty mummy!

Any other suggestions?!

Havent had to deal with 15 year olds yet, although one of my ds's is fast approaching 14 in November.

Homework - He can choose at what time he does it, but he doesnt go out or the TV, computer etc doesnt go on until after it is done. That way i dont have to nag or shout at him.

Also money seems to be the centre of teenagers world.

Let him look through the job section of local newspaper how much he can earn with qualifications how much he can earn without. What he can buy with qualification money as oppose to without, etc, etc.

BecauseImWorthIt - I hope my post didn't imply that I thought you were pressuring him, it was obvious from your post that you weren't. I said that the important thing was that he got enough to get to the next stage because it took DH and I a while (DH longer than me!) to realize that maybe we had to accept that DD would not deliver what she was capable of (she later admitted that since primary school she had worked out that it was best not to "stand out" - this despite then being at a selective school!). We wanted her to know that if she wanted to follow the easier route then she did have to deliver a certain standard to move to the next stage - and she did.

We have encouraged her in other directions into situations where she can "stand out" in ways which is acceptable to her to help her self-esteem/confidence, and we can only hope that at university she finally has the confidence to show what she is capable of.

We followed much the same plan as you - kept an eye on deadlines to avoid the panics, etc. There is one thing you must do if this plan is to succeed. Insist that when DS works on his coursework at school - they are sometimes given time to work in class - he e-mails a copy home of the latest draft (or uses one of the USB gadgets). We nearly missed a couple of deadlines initially because DD had not e-mailed the latest copy home prior to the weekend, and on another occasion the latest draft was in the school computer which went down!

Good luck - it's a worrying time. If it's any consolation DD worked better at A level when she was mainly doing subjects which really interested her (i.e. Physics, Maths, Latin, Psychology) - she also did General Studies but hated it and hence got a C in it!

Thank you all for your replies. It was really helpful and, apart from anything else allowed me to vent and helped me to calm down!

So - a quick update. We had a chat - after a very emotional outburst on my part - and I explained how worried I was about him, especially the fact that he seemed happy to settle for less. It wasn't a long chat and I didn't labour the point too much. I then made sure that every time I went into talk to him I was pleasant and didn't just rant and rave (even about things like clothes all over the floor and dropped towels, etc!). I offered any help he needed, but made it clear that he would be working all weekend (apart from his cricket match) until his coursework was completed. As a 'carrot', I took him (and his brother) out for lunch on Sunday.

He's worked really hard and completed two lots of coursework. He's been more pleasant and we've got on much better - actually, he's been much more his normal self.

I called the school and spoke to his year tutor and asked for an appointment to go in and see her. Before we fix a time, she wants to go and talk to all his teachers to get their views and, as she said, to 'look at the data', which encourages me as I feel she will be coming from the perspective of really understanding both him and his actual performance at school - and she will not just be sitting listening to me rant on, offering me vague platitudes.

My goodness and it's only week 2 back at school!!!

That sounds really positive BIWI

... and this afternoon I had a call from his history teacher to say how fanastic his coursework essay had been. (Despite him leaving it until the absolute last minute)

He's got 10/10 for both assignments so far, and is on course for 50/50 ...

... so I think I was probably being a bit hysterical.

Having said that, DS is definitely more communicative and less morose/surly since my outburst, so hopefully things in the BIWI household are a bit more sorted now.