DD wants to leave college after 3 years with 8 weeks to go. Any Advice?

[MumLivvy78]

DD (18) has just sent me a text saying that she wants to leave college with 8 weeks to go until her a level exams.

She spent year one of her a - levels at school doing a subject she decided she didn't like, so she left and went to college. Now after 2 years and much moaning she has decided that she'd rather leave and do a level 3 apprenticeship.

She recently just missed (on purpose) all of her mock exams because she"doesn't see the point" and when I pushed her on this it turned out she was scared and so put off by failing that she didnt want to face it.

So...is she scared and running away form her problems or is she really just miserable and thinks life is going to be so much better on an apprenticeship (which, BTW, is currently available to children that have just done their GCSE's and she'll be 19 this year)

I have to also say that her attendance has been about 84% at college and the teachers have told her that if she makes an effort now she would no doubt achieve an average of 3 C / D grades.

Im at a complete loss and cannot understand her thought process. I also dont know how to react to this - I have no actual sway given that she is 18 and she can choose her own path but she does still live at home and I feel that as a parent I have to do something - I just dont know what?!

My DH and I feel the same way - although he wants to support her decision - he says he'd rather she hated college and loved us than have her hate us if we rock the boat and give her our honest opinion.

I would love to know what others think - could do with some advice.

I think your dd needs some tough love. Yes it sounds a lot as if she’s running away because she’s afraid to fail so I think you need to support her to see it through and do the best she can. She’s panicking and needs you to reassure her and help her succeed, not just nod along while she throws away 3 years of study. Could you manage some tutoring to help give her some confidence maybe?

Of course it’s true that she’s over 18 and she doesn’t need your permission but you still have some parental authority left over and she will likely be influenced by you.

Thank you @fairlygoodmother ...I appreciate it and I think you are right. A tutor maybe an good idea!

agree with pp. But this stands out:

he says he'd rather she hated college and loved us than have her hate us if we rock the boat and give her our honest opinion.

You're her parents - you're supposed to act in her best interests, not in your best interests. If in her best interests means she hates you for a while so be it. Blindly going along with what she says may mean she hates you in ten years time when she's stuck in a dead end job asking why on earth you didn't put your foot down.

I would tell her that she must do the exams, that you will do anything you can to support and help her for the next 8 weeks, that you can have a conversation afterwards for the best way forward and again you will support her through that, but at this point she must do her exams.

Yes, in reality you can't force her to turn up on the day, but you can do the absolute best you can to get her there. If she comes out with reasonable grades she will definitely thank you for it later. And if not, she won't be in a worse position than she's in now.

I would say what you honestly think
But would then leave the decision up to her x

DD1 did this; announced she was going to leave with only a few weeks until A levels. I think it’s partly a panic response.

I was tough on her. I told her she wasn’t going to make a decision she might regret forever based on the sake of suffering a few weeks. That after those weeks were over, she could do whatever she liked, never needed to study again in her life, but she was dammed well sitting her A levels.

She did, and her grades were ok, much the same as yours is predicted. She’s glad I made her.

Time for some tough love, OP.

And titchy is right. So what if she hates you for a few weeks? You have the wisdom of experience, she doesn’t. Be firm and she’ll thank you in years to come.

I’m in the same boat to a degree as you Op with my daughter. I sat and cried in the car today as she refused to go to school . My sis in law talked with me and calmed me .
I keep lines of communication open with her and have been texting her on and off this morning . Good news is she did some work at home this morn . She had a panic attack after the first mock but I managed like one poster said to get her to go in for the rest even if she did not pick up a pen .

I think just keep talking to your child . And try to stay calm . I do get angry sometimes from frustration but learning it doesn’t help at all . Calm gets more done . It’s a shame to not sit the exams at this point .

We just want the best for them but they can’t see that . I worry too that They will regret it later and blame us . My other kids never gave me a moments worry in school so this is very fraught with the youngest . Hope a tutor helps and just keep talking

Is it worth speaking to the careers guidance staff at college and see what advice they give/think her chances of getting a level 3 apprenticeship would be if she left now. Hopefully, they could speak to her direct as well, but at least you'd be armed with some information.

My DD did a BTEC at college and then a L3 apprenticeship.
It doesn't have to be an either/or.

It would be an absolute waste not to try to get those A levels now.

It does sound a lot like panic. She doesn't know how to manage the severity of anxiety she's experiencing so she's trying to make it go away completely by running away. Which in the long run is going to make her life worse, her anxiety more unmanageable and trash her self esteem if she never experiences achieving anything because she always runs away.

You would be doing her a massive disservice as her parents by going along with that rather than supporting her to manage her anxiety - because she needs to learn how to do that and that she can survive feeling this anxious.

Your husband's attitude is really shit and selfish. As a pp said it is your responsibility to act in her best interests not your own.

I did this. I walked out 3 weeks before my final exams and scuppered my degree. I had completely lost confidence in myself and felt that it would have killed a part of me to make myself go through the humiliation of the final exams.

Even though I remember clearly how I felt, it was a terrible waste and I did go on to complete another qualification and so it actually didn't affect my career that badly I do think it would have been better to go through with the exam. This was 30 years ago though when emotional support in education was not really a thing.

If your DD is happy to leave now then she has nothing to lose by staying the 8 weeks and seeing it through. Nothing to lose! You've got to tell her, she may regret leaving but she will not regret seeing it through. However well or badly she does she will have achieved something by sitting the exams and completing her course. Even that will stand to her.

I wish I had. I think it might have changed the course of my running away from subsequent challenges (which I have done ever since). Such a waste!

She would be a complete fool, it’s 8 weeks and she gets to walk away with the qualification otherwise the last 3 years are just written off. And that is what I’d tell her.

growing up means we have to think about our actions properly and if she quits now the bank or mum and dad will not be bank rolling her, she’s be told this also.

She’s 18 time to start growing up or she’s in for a rough life. Sometimes things are scary but you can’t just never do anything because of this

Thank you all for your responses. I am really grateful of the advice. @FickleTickle...this really resonates and I will be sure to pass this on. Thank you.