Bresking point with daughter

[AuntieMeemz]

We have always struggled to parent our 13 year old daughter. It's almost out of control now. Dh, ds and i are out of our depth! She is constant complainer and very critical. The whole family have always had to find ways to cope. Tonight she came in with her freind for moral support to tell me off at great length. I tried to calmly reason with her but it didn't change much. She is a top grade student and an absolute delight at school, but at home life is torture. She is usually in a foul temper and very rude to dh snd i.if we tell her she is outraged at our stupidity and is apparently constantly sobbing inn the phone to her freind. She has absolutely no concept that her aggressiveness is usually the starting point of family strife.

Wise words needed.

Sorry, she doesn't sound very loved. I'm sure it's not nice for her to be the less preferred child

She is very much loved and wanted. The whole house is consumed with ensuring she knows she is loved, and trying to make her happy!. Dh and i think of nothing else! Yet we have still managed to break her heart.

How have you always struggled to parent her? Do you really mean since she was a baby? If so, how did this.manifest?.

Maybe stop pandering to her moods and tell her not to be so rude.

I suspect if she’s doing well at school and achieving well, she’ll settle down but doesn’t mean you allow a thirteen year old to rule the roost. They need clear boundaries more than ever.
Catch her being nice. Plan a few nice jollies.
Our daughter once said,” I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t sleep around and am on target for straight A’s. You're worrying about my untidy room why?”
She had a point and I imagine you might want to step back and think whether she really is that dreadful. It’s not PMT is it?

Take a step back. Maybe don’t take so much of this personally. She’s pushing boundaries and probably can sense she’s the least favourite.

If she’s bringing her friend for moral support - what is she trying to tell you that she clearly can’t?

My daughter is exactly like this. She has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s.

Are there any other behaviours than might point to something underlying?

What age is your son? Is he older than her? What is the age difference? It sounds like you three are in a gang against her.
It sounds like she feels she does not have anyone on her side in the house so had to bring in the friend. Is there a parenting course in your area you can attend.

Some teens are hard work.
My eldest was and it was the hardest time between the onset of her puberty at twelve and taking her off to uni at eighteen.
Six years of her refusing to participate in family life.
Six years of her constant sneering, disrespectful attitude and her furious anger that we weren't rich, couldn't afford the sort of holidays/cars/ house/clothes that one of her friend's parents could.
It was a very trying time.
Sadly, it didn't improve and I've become reconciled to the fact that some people have a dissatisfied gene or a predisposition it seems to view life through a glass half empty.
Her two siblings have the glass half full view of life interestingly. Sometimes, it's just character and genetics rather than anything else. Still love her to bits though!

Pallasthena - i can't tell you how comforting your post was. Thank you. Ds has always been this way and I'm glad I'm not alone. I have often said there I nothing in this world that make her happy!

Mazdazzle - i think she may have PAD which is s form of aspergers. I have researched it many times over the years. We follow the guidance and things were mostly ok. I don't think she is always crying on the phone to her friend as she says as I'm usually around and would have noticed. She is usually asleep, making tik toks or doing homework. She often shows me things or dances etc too. In a weird way, this evening felt a bit like she was 'acting'. She never cries but usually storms off. Her tone and voice was unusual too.

We love her dearly but it's trying our patience to the limit.

Teenagers are challenging - they are supposed to be. They are trying to build and test their independence and that means starting to reject the things their parents stand for. My DS - the sweetest most cuddley little boy turned into a monosyllabic sneering grump at 12. i found it so hard. I had to learn to leave it and not take it personally (believe me i found that so hard).

What I did learn is that he would communicate when he wanted to on his terms. When he was cross or grumpy or just wanted to zone out there was no point trying to impose communicating with him. Because actually as an adult I dont always feel like chatting and being sociable. My home is my refuge and that applies to my DS - after a full on day at school he wanted to just be. Fair enough. So I learnt to find his chilled times to chat - at dinner, but with him leading the subject matter, playing cards, in the car side by side - we go for little drives, quick chats perched on the bed in his room when I pop in with a cup of something and a biscuit. But i know to led him lead and make the chat, and when to go and leave it.

its an adjustment but it does work. Its a new and emerging relationship. I wouldn't make a friend have a conversation - I'd let them choose when and what hey wanted to talk about. I have to afford my DC the same consideration.

That doesnt mean they can disrespect me or swear at me. I am a human being too. They know that, and can only have a conversation with me if they are polite. Thats the two way deal. And they need and want favours from me of course so they know that if they do want that kind of support and help - they need a respectful conversation. Just as i will have with them in return.

The next time she insults you with a friend in tow, you should tell the friend to leave as it’s a family matter. Don’t let her tell you off with a sympathetic audience. As for the insults I would actually stop doing extras for her - every time she’s rude to you, she has to do her own laundary / get herself to school / forfeit pocket money etc. Rinse and repeat.

Who told you she was a delight at school? If she really is, then her behaviour is unlikely to be down to PAD.

Hi OP, you are describing my 12 year old dd to a T. She has autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). Is that what you meant? She is our only child so we've no comparisons. We do things with her, like yesterday we planned to go out for the day and within minutes she was grumpy and it affects us all. If we don't agree to let her do something she is rude and arrogant. We don't tolerate the behaviour but it results in a downward spiral. We let her have friends round then she gets rude and grumpy when they have to go home. It's a really difficult situation to be in as we can't seem to reason with her, as she feels she is always right! I'm sorry I don't have any answers but wanted to say I know how you feel.