Talking to teen boys about girlfriends!

[JustDanceAddict]

It looks like my DS (nearly 16) might have got himself his first girlfriend 😮.
How do you even approach the chat about consent / from hers and his side as boys can be persuaded into doing things too - he’s a bit of a sheep and people pleaser.
He is mega embarrassed if I dare to mention her name and dh is more useless than me!
I’m sure he’s nowhere near ready for a sexual relationship but you never know.
Luckily she doesn’t live that near and it’s quite hard to get there on public transport (but about 15 mins in car) so there won’t be easy sneaking off after school... and they’re doing GCSEs this year!

Best time is in the car when you're driving him over there. He doesn't need to look at you but can't get away so he'll have to listen ...

Would it be easier to buy him some books ?

Little and often - my 16yo ds used to go crimson when we first started talking about sex, consent, pregnancies and contraception. He and his gf are ambitious and I pointed out an accidental pregnancy would mean they’d both have to give up their education to earn.
Now, after a few months, he can have almost adult conversations.

Just because he has a gf doesn't mean he is going to have sex.
Leave information on his bed for him to read by himself
I have 2 teenage girls eldest has a bf but they are not sexually active we are very open about it and told her when she is ready to come to me.
She is going to a few concerts in summer and I told her for contraception to work she would need to start soon but she said she is not ready just wants to have fun and kiss.

Definitely when you're doing something so he doesn't have too look at you. I bought a pack of condoms, told my son I'd prefer he wasn't on a position to need them, but they were there if he did. And described the consent thing like mirroring, and if one person stops mirroring, then that's where you stop. With humour and comments like this is prob the last thing you want to hear from me, but it needs to be said. He came to me for some advice the other week about a situation that they'd got themselves into (not sexual) more an emotional power problem, which was really encouraging that he trusted me enough to ask how to defuse it. I really had to psych myself up to it tho 😆 just felt so unnatural.

DH was excellent at this. He would start talking while we were out together or over dinner about some news article he had seen about domestic violence, rape, men treating women poorly, and would voice his disgust about anyone who would do such a thing, and always end it by saying how lucky he was to have sons who would respect women like he did. He also talked openly about condoms and sex (not in a sleazy way, but making it everyday talk instead of something to be embarrassed about) so DSS and DS felt they could talk to us both easily about anything. He was always kind and considerate, and having that as a role model has been great, the boys are so like him in temperament, views and kindness. I realise that I sort of abdicated responsibility for that chat, but DSS is a lot older than DS and as his stepmum it wasn't really my place, and DS grew up with this approach being the norm.

Some good advice here, Tx. I know he’s not going to suddenly have sex, but one has to be realistic it will probably happen in the next couple of years anyway for him.
DH is useless with these things and I find it awkward so I like the indirect approach of talking in more general terms. He is quite good at talking ‘generally’ but not personally and I’m ‘nosey’ if I ask too many questions!
The mirroring thing is good - and it can apply both ways. I don’t want him to think you have to comply to everything the girl wants either as girls tend to be more mature than boys at this age.
If this ‘dalliance’ is going anywhere I will def employ some of these techniques.

Has he seen the cup of tea video that’s on YouTube. It’s brilliant and very funny and we have had many discussions about it since. He will have covered a lot in PHSE at school so just buy a pack of condoms and tell him that you’re always available for any questions he has but that the most essential thing is to stay safe and to remember that consent applies to boys as well as girls.

Then sit down with DH and discuss where your personal boundaries are and whether you’re happy for them to sleep together in your home etc.

It may be ages before he’s ready for sex or it may not be. You just have to be open about it, put in some house rules that you’re comfortable with and let them get on with it.

Sideways conversations with teens are great too so in a car, sitting on the sofa or in a coffee shop etc. It’s much less confrontational if you’re not looking at each other.

I agree with the 'talking in the car' rather than 'face to face' - much easier for your dc when don't need to be looking at you.

I've always gone for the same sort of approach as @AndNoneForGretchenWieners 's DH.

Talk about situations in the news or that you've seen on a TV drama or film or whatever you might come across, or make them up but say "X at work was telling me today" / "Someone at {my hobby}'s ds has done this / had that happen to them"..... and talk about the situation and what they could have done differently or what they would do in that situation. We've had discussions which have involved eiher dh or me saying "It's difficult to know what I'd do in that situation....." etc., and the dc have come up with "I suppose you could......"
Not just to do with sex, but to do with

"If someone is offering drugs at a party"
"If you witness X at school"
"If someone else is being picked on / bullied at school"
"If you are on the train and witness X"

Means they don't feel you are accusing them of anything, or in any way implying you think they already are or are about to start doing it - it's just another situation.
Might also keep them safe, in situations such as witnessing something on a train carriage or a bus.
(We first started doing "What would you do if...." scenarios when they were quite little - 'couldn't see us when they turned round on a beach' / or 'we weren't there when they came out of school' / 'someone else said that we'd sent them to pick them up from somewhere' / etc etc, so very used to talking about situations that might occur )

Depends on personality. Dd and I very open but her Bf parents so old fashioned. I gave her BF condoms when I realised the relationship was v close to sexual and he appreciated my direct approach. No fuss, no lectures or judging just I realise you both have very strong feelings for each other, please be safe.