Vulnerable to being manipulated

[Anon0506]

So my newly turned 16 year old daughter has left home to live with her toxic boyfriend and his equally toxic family and she refuses to have anything to do with us, let me give a bit of background, she has been with this boy who I shall refer to as X for around 8 months, we liked him at first and treated him like family, he had a troubled relationship with his mum who I shall refer too as A and told us that his step dad was abusive to him and his siblings, anyway the first 2 months were fine and my daughter was happy although they did argue at times which we let them get on with, after the two months X has continuously finished it with her, been nasty to her, manipulated her to make her think she at fault, accused my husband if hitting him which is false and thankfulyl we have witnesses to back us up, him and his mother have also been sending each other abusive messages and writing about each other on FB, he leaves each place he stays at after causing trouble there which he claims is never his fault but is someone elses, the list goes on, at first we forbid our daughter to see him but that didnt work so we said to our daughter that she is free to see him ect and we wont interfere unless we feel she is in danger or schooling effected, the only thing we have said is that we will not speak to him or have him in our home but that we might reconsider if we can see a change, anyway a few months down the line and we couldn't see any change as yet again he left another place he was staying after causing trouble and went back to live with his mother and we decided that we definitely would not want him near us but that we would still respect our daughters choice to be with him and let her get on with it. X messages me basically saying he is sorry for how he has treated us and that he wanted to have a chat and that he wanted to forget the past and that if we thought anything of our daughter then we would, we refused as we felt this was manipulation so I sent a polite but firm message back saying we didnt wish to have further contact with him but that we wouldnt interfere in the relationship he has with my daughter. My daughter then went crazy at us saying we was mean to him ( we wasnt) and that she was leaving tonight. She has made threats before to leave with him so we thought we would call her bluff and tell her ok but that we wouldnt finance her anymore ect because she was making an adult choice so she would have to live like an adult. We honestly didnt think she would go but she did. We haven't seen her for a month now and she has been telling the boyfriends family that we have been hitting her ( again false) , her boyfriend messaged me saying I've failed her ect and then sent me a middle finger emoji from my daughters phone, my daughter then justified his actions and said other people were getting involved and being nasty so that's why he done it, the only people who have messaged my daughter is my sister and my husband and they were just trying to reason with her but she ignored the messages. The boyfriends mother A tried to claim my child benefit after a week of my daughter living with her and she has only know my daughter two weeks and has also been to my daughters school asking then to sign over parental rights seeing as my daughter is now living with her again this was after just a week! The school are worried about my daughter living with this family and have made a referral to social services as they fear my daughter vulnerable to manipulation and she isn't streetwise. My daughter phoned me last night and I could hear all the whispering in background and she was so cold and asked to give up my rights to which I refused and she then said ok well then we will go to social services byeee. Myself and my daughter have always gotten on really well and a few nights before she left she messaged me from upstairs to make her a snack and bring it up and then stay and watch a movie together in her room which we have always done. I just want my girl back. I miss her. Has anybody else been through similar.

Gosh this sounds so terrible for you all.
Teenage hormones are just off the chart sometimes, unfortunately she has got herself mixed up with the wrong people, and as much as you want to there is very little you can do to resolve this. Your 2 main options are to keep to your decision of having no contact with him but tell her your door is always open if she ever needs you, maybe in time she will realise she has made a mistake and will know she can come to you, or for the sake of seeing your daughter you can reach out to the bf and agree to talk, out things behind you and move forward.

I appreciate how hard the second option sounds but honestly if it was me that's what I would be doing. At this point you have no say in your daughter life because she won't let you. Like it or not her bf is the most important person in the world to her right now and if you want any kind of relationship with her you need to accept that and him. His family could very easily take advantage and manipulate her so you never have contact again. How would you feel about this?

I have a situation in my family so similar apart from the people are all adults.
Mum hated daughters husband, won't have him until the House, always rude to him etc.. (with good reason, he is physically violent) but daughter has cut mum out of her life it's been 10 years she has now moved and no one in our family have any contact with her. She is alone and being abused every day, but nothing we can do as she won't contact us is case we tell mum where she is.

Don't let this happen to your daughter, as hard as it is seeing them being treated badly at least if your part of her life you can still attempt to take care of her and help her gently see the relationship is toxic.

Thank you for being kind and non judgemental, we will continue to keep Dior open for her and have told her that she is loved ect, my husband and myself again want no contact with the boyfriend, we tried to give him another chance before but unfortunately he messed up again and tried to create problems in the family and him and his mother made a very serious allegation about a close friend of mine which was proven false, we have two other young children with special needs so wont allow any trouble near them. Although we didnt agree with our daughters decision to go back with him for the third time we chose to respect it and let her get on with it, as we tried to forbid it the other time and it didnt work so we allowed her to see him and stay at his the weekend but our only boundaries was we didnt wish to speak to him or have in our house and she was still expected to do her home work ect and be home by 10 during week. Xx

When my daughter left she messaged saying she will come back only if we accept things on her terms and by that she meant building a relationship with X and treating her better as a daughter. We had treated her good, we ejoyed a good relationship, she wanted for nothing and when he broke her heart over and over again it was me that held her and listened to her sob and tear herself to bits, me that was by her side when she over dosed, me that slept in the same bed as her when she begged me too as she didnt want to be alone, me that took her out to try to take her mind off him. I just miss her so much but I wont give in to pressure and emotional blackmail and I shouldn't either. The school and social services are both concerned about the relationship and the family she is with xx

She left because I wouldnt have in my home or speak to him xx sorry for the long messages xx

@Anon0506 hand hold to you it sounds awful.
At 16 they think they know everything.
Hopefully your dd will come back to you soon but its a month so far and she is managing where is she getting money from.
I hope some day she comes back to you.
I have a dd 16 threatens every other week of running away I have a bit opposite to you she never lets me see who she is with.
She expects me to let her out of the car in town and just go wherever and with who ever she wants.
I find this so hard and have constant arguments upsetting everyone else in the house.
They just do not understand we do it for love. I am cried out totally exhausted today. She went to 2 College open days this week didn't want me involved said she was going with her bf and friends.
She then announced this morning when I get my GCSE results in August don't you think you will be coming into school to collect them with me your not even going to see them.
I got in my car to go to work and my brakes light came on she didn't even care thankfully hubby looked and said it was ok light went out again. Then she starts the text im sorry ill change but she only saying it as she wants me to buy her alcohol for a party tomorrow night and when she gets it she won't let me see who she is meeting.
If I don't buy her the drink she will get off someone else and maybe something stronger she only drinks one glass to fit in. So I don't mind that but its the disrespect they show.
Put your energy into your other 2 kids. to distract you. I know it's not easy.

@mcmen05 X stole three grand from his biological father and that's how they are getting by at the moment. It's an awful situation, we emailed her and told her that we love and miss her and that if she ever needs us then to call us day or night it doesnt matter and we will be there for her, she replied saying yeah right and that X's mum has been more of a mum that I ever have and that if I accepted her boyfriend again then she would believe that I loved her then she blocked me, she has blocked me from all social media and the boyfriend brought her a new phone with a new number so I cant contact her now through anything. Hugs to you also it's awful isn't it xxx

@Anon is she in contact with her biological father, how did she get the money. The 3k won't last them forever his mum has probably taken it. Its just so horrible to see them change to such vile people. They think it is us that are doing them wrong. If I lived in a town my dd1 would have run away by now.
The one good thing is you know where she is.
Is she attending school. Is she doing Alevels or Gcse.

It's really is such a difficult situation and I fully understand your decision to not have anything to do with him, it sounds like you have given him plenty of chances which he has screwed up again and again. My only concern as I said before is that more damage could be done if your not around to have any input. It's very difficult but do you not see anyway you could try to resolve issues with the BF? And I do absolutely get why you don't want too, I just think sometimes we have to do things we don't want to in order to protect our children, who at the moment aren't capable of thinking rationally. I know once their adults we have to slow them to maker their own mistakes but it's much harder to swallow when they are so young.

Have you had contact with social services? What have they said?
I'm sure the mum will get fed up of them both being there so maybe riding it out for a couple of months and see how things are is the way to go?

Sorry your going through this it must be absolutely heartbreaking for you.

@mcmen05
The boyfriend stole the money from his bio father, I am married to my daughters father, yes she is still attending school thank goodness and her gcses start very soon xxx
@purpleboy
I whole heartedly see where you are coming from I really do and I am grateful for your advice and appreciate it and I know you are coming from a good place but bridges are definitely burnt with this boy and for the sake of my other children I can not resolve things with him, he has made threats against me, accused a very close friend of something so awful and also made accusations against my husband both of which were completely false everywhere he goes trouble definitely follows him and he has been in trouble with the police numerous times and the list goes on, I need to protect my mental health and protect my remaining children, social services are involved and are going to speak to my daughter at her school and have also advised not to reach out to the boyfriend xx

@mcmen05 and @purpleboy thank you both for your kindness and for not judging xx

That's fair enough, I do totally understand. And even more so if social services have told you not to, your best to follow their advice.
It's really hard now he has got her a new phone to keep communication open between you.
You've said you had a really good relationship with her, what's her relationship like with her dad? What about her siblings, would she come by for tea once a week to see them? Might be a starting point.
How old is her bf?

@purpleboy
Her relationship with her dad was also good, she definitely was a daddy's girl, we are a close family unit, we have told her that the door is open for her anytime she wants to come home or even just visit but no reply, her boyfriend is nearly 17 xx

Awful situation for you, Op. We were in a similar place 5 years ago with our 17 year old dd. It nearly tore our family apart. But we got through it, and most importantly dd eventually realised that she was in a toxic relationship and left.

It has had lasting impact on her mental health. It led to her really screwing up academically. But she is in a good place now. At the time though her behaviour was awful towards us, and I did think that one way or another we would lose her for good.

I think that you are doing exactly the right thing. Let her know however you can that you love her and miss her. Play the long game here. Good luck.

Then I think your probably doing all you can. I feel so desperately sad for you though, I have a dd the same age and I think my heart would break if I was in your situation.
I really hope she realises sooner rather than later this is not the relationship for her, maybe when the money runs out?

Can you ask school if you can meet with her in school so bf not around to tell her what to do.

This is an awful position to find yourself in, but unless you include him (which you say you can't) you will just push her further into his arms. Even tho you say the door is open. If there is controlling behaviour your giving him more control as he can twist you as been unreasonable.

In this I would play "keep my friends close but enemies closer"

As even though you have said your door is open she will be made to feel it's not by him.

I absolutely get what you are saying and I appreciate your advice but we have been advised not to reach out to the boyfriend and even tho we love our daughter we wouldnt reach out to him anyway as he has has done some truly wicked things not only to her but to us too and it would mean giving into her demands. We can only hope that she wakes up from this one day, I just need to vent I suppose xx

This is what she wants for us to forgive and play happy families with him, even if I wanted too my husband wouldnt. Social services have told us that him and his family are known to them and the police xx

@mcmen05
That I think is the next step after social services have spoken with her xx

@notanurse2017
Thank you, so pleased it all worked out for you in the end xx

Anon0506, in our case if we had pretended to forgive the boyfriend, it would have seemed as if we didn't mind that he abused our dd. And we just couldn't do that. So I really do know where you are coming from.

@notanurse2017
Yes exactly, if we gave in and pretended then we will be telling her that such behaviour is to be forgiven and that it's ok to tolerate it, that how our social worker put it to us also. Xxx

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be absolute hell.

I have some insight in that my DD has accused me of abuse, has very twisted memories of the events etc. We've had a real rollercoaster with her with my painted as the wicked witch & like you it's come out of the blue as we've always got in so well. That said we are dealing with nowhere near close to what you are. DD is at least safe at home most of tge time even if that comes with its own problems. I'd rather know she was safe & you are having your heart ripped out, chewed up & spat out, but don't even have that luxury

I can't type much now, but if there's any chance your DD has autistic traits, the replies on my other threads might be as much help in understanding her mind set to you, as they have been me. Also organisations & links mentioned that might be helpful too.

@BrokenMumTeenDD
Thank you for taking the time to reply, no she doesnt have any traits, my younger 2 are both on the spectrum. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, although we love our children with all of our being being a parent is heartbreaking at times, hugs xxx

Well where do I start. I am an old fashioned mum who understands what you are going through. Where do I start. My life are my kids to cut a long story short I have been through similar with my youngest girl who is now 20 but let me tell you they bloody break your heart ripp out your heart and stand on it. She will not listen to you because you are her mum. No 2 she has a lad who will put other ideas in her head but the more you push the harder it will take for you to reconnect with her. I would probably say to her meet up with her tell her what you are going through and listen to her side as well. If you put everything on the table with her then say as a mum I cannot do anything else to change your mind on what you do with your life. Tell her she will end up pregnant and in a troubled relationship and it will not work because if all the problems which are already going on. If she makes mistakes then she will have to live with them. I know you want the best for her but you seem like you are loosing this one. That's hard to take but the only way is to either try and talk her out of it or seek advise as she is under 18. Good luck as girls now a days are much harder to being up than boys. Social media is a bad influence as well. I really feel for you as being a mum with a teenager is really hard on us mothers. You think that it gets easier but it doesn't.