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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Leaving a 16 and 13 yr old alone for a week.

30 replies

Aggie72 · 25/02/2020 16:50

Hi all
My daughter ( 16) has come home and told me that her friend ( 16) had an awful half term week and was left in charge of her 13 yr old brother the whole week. Her mum has a newish boyfriend and he took her away for the whole week, this friend was told not to tell anyone they were alone and had to pretend on the two occasions they saw their dad, that mum was out shopping! Also she left them with no money to buy food or to go out or do anything with!!
The daft thing is there is family local to them and her dad was only local too but the fact that they couldn’t tell any I thought was out of order.
I don’t want to get too involved as this will backfire on dds friend but I personally feel to put a 16 yr old in charge of her younger brother for that period of time , with no money, and keep it secret was bang out of line and those kids could have been at risk, 6 nights alone in the house plus 16 yr old has GCSEs coming up soon. I feel as a mother really cross. My 16 yr old babysits my 10 yr old regularly but I’d never go away a week expecting her to parent her younger brother!
Thoughts please, am I overreacting?
I just feel sad that dds friend had such responsibilities and they could’ve actually come to us a few times for meals at least 😐

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 25/02/2020 16:53

I would report them to social services for the sake of the children

Bluerussian · 25/02/2020 16:55

I would feel as you do, op, it was not the right thing for the woman to go away for a week leaving a 16 year old in charge of a 13 year old but - no money for food? What did they live on, hot air? Plus they couldn't go anywhere or do anything. How horrible.

There's not much you can do, I doubt it was illegal especially if the freezer was well stocked.

It is a shame though, poor kids.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 25/02/2020 16:55

should not do it. They knew that as they asked the children to lie

JustDanceAddict · 25/02/2020 17:31

Absolutely not! We have left 15 & 17 year old together overnight which is enough (they are really nearly 16 and 18!). We leave money for a takeaway and tell the younger one to behave as the older has the responsibility! They can cook and I would transfer money if necessary.
Did they have food, money, why didn’t the dad look after them.
It’s def a safeguarding issue.,

Original poster
Aggie72 · 25/02/2020 18:54

Yes I believe that there was food but she did have to use her own savings to go buy stock up bits like bread and milk etc, obviously had to cook, clean and washing etc. plus they were both really late into school yesterday as their mother was tired from her trip!!
I think what upsets me most is both children are quite anxious by nature. Their dad and his wife are really nice from what my dd says, I know the divorce between the parents was awful and there was much resentment about her ex (he left her for another woman) so both the kids are very much even so many years on, stuck in the middle of it and know if they told their dad, he would totally flip out and it would cause a lot of rows. The really weird thing is that his family live nearby and they would've definitely looked in on the kids. I honestly just don't know what to think. I've told dd to tell her friend to tell their dad as given this is a newish full on relationship, the chances are this will keep happening. Its really tough I think all I can do is ask dd to tell her friend to also let us know if they are alone again then I can check on them at least. I just feel really shocked and appalled that she never left them money for extra food or to even go out and do stuff during their half term, also she apparently only told them the night before that she was going away!! how selfish is that?!
We not as nearby home wise as we were otherwise I'd have possibly realised but was just really shocked today to learn about this, its not like their mum at all..

OP posts:
mumontherun14 · 26/02/2020 10:41

No way would I do that. I have a 16yr old and 13yr old. They would not be happy being on their own for that long. It's difficult as you don't want to cause trouble for the family but could you perhaps mention at the school and they could do some kind of referral. Feel sorry for both kids x

LynetteScavo · 26/02/2020 21:51

Ha, there was a tread a few weeks ago about leaving a 16yo and a 13yo home alone, mostly posters thought it was fine.

Personally I wouldn't. Im in a minority,apparently

Rollergirl11 · 27/02/2020 11:02

This is neglect. Call Social Services.

Rollergirl11 · 27/02/2020 11:03

What if there had been an accident??!!

Nat6999 · 27/02/2020 11:39

I wouldn't leave my 16 year old home alone, let alone with a younger child to be responsible for overnight. I have only ever left ds for maybe a couple of hours since he has been a teenager.

BackforGood · 29/02/2020 23:26

No, you aren't over reacting.
Either let the school know, or call NSPCC to ask for advice.
You can let them know you don't want it known it came from you. (A neighbour could easily have noticed and reported).
It really isn't air on either child for her to have done this.

Patch23042 · 29/02/2020 23:32

Overnight would have been ok, just about I think. But a week is far too long, plus they were short of cash.... and her asking them to lie to their dad was disgraceful.

Socalm · 29/02/2020 23:35

OP, your daughter said her friend said something. It may not be completely accurate by the time it reached you! Maybe there was a grandma next door who kept an eye on them or something similar.

2fallsagain · 29/02/2020 23:55

I would tell the school. It's a safeguarding matter. The fact they were told to keep secret is a red flag

Mumajoy · 01/03/2020 00:28

I personally wouldn't leave my 16 year old and 13 year old for a week, but in saying that they could manage and many 16 and 13 year old would manage and even grow in the experience. As I dont know all the ins and outs and whether there is family or a friend near by to call on in emergencies
or there was contact with the Mum throughout the week or what the whole food/money situation was, there may have been food prepared or frozen in advance or these two teens may have had access to debit/credit card or online shopping on delivery for example, the whole situation may have been relayed with missing information and it is possible that the lying to dad although questionable and not necessarily what you want to be teaching your teens, may not be anything more than keeping the estranged ex out of the equation or due to a level of acrimony between the two.
There are 16 year old that have their own babies and look after them, a lot more delicate than a 13 year old brother. I think calls for social services or nspcc are possibly a knee jerk reaction and more information needs to be available in the first instance.
Was it good judgement to leave them? By the sounds of what has been relayed this far, no. And there may well be reasons for concern but I would say tread carefully as you go, talking to dd's friend would be a good start then possibly the mum before making your assesment of the situation and whether there's call for anything further, tough call.

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/03/2020 10:18

I think there would be far more potential for disaster with a 13 year old than a newborn. And what's with the lying to their father? I think those children should be encouraged to tell him what went on, or at least to tell him immediately if it happens again.

BackforGood · 01/03/2020 19:09

I think calls for social services or nspcc are possibly a knee jerk reaction and more information needs to be available in the first instance.

But @Mumajoy - the OP isn't in a position to be 'investigating further' and then 'making judgements' - the advice is to bring it to the attention of people who can.

Busymum45 · 02/03/2020 09:45

I don't think it's that bad depends on maturity of the 16 yr old and if grandparents or anyone dropping in. I wouldn't do it personally.

Leaving our then 19 year old home alone a week in a few months and I'm worried about that !

lanthanum · 09/03/2020 15:08

Telling them not to tell anyone seems to me like the worst thing. That would mean that had there been some sort of problem (plumbing leak, one of them injured or unwell, etc) there's a risk that they would have tried to cope without seeking advice, and that could have led to major problems.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/03/2020 15:10

I have teens the same age and they are pretty sensible but I wouldn’t even leave them overnight. The 16yo has been left overnight but I wouldn’t leave him in charge of a 13 yo and I wouldn’t leave him alone more than a night or two.
Very, very selfish of the mother.

BrieAndChilli · 09/03/2020 15:24

DS1 is 13 and theres no way I would leave him without an adult for a week. I'm sure the 16 year old is responsible but I'm not sure I would leave her either

Mrskeats · 09/03/2020 15:25

Social services.
Selfish mare.

Double3xposure · 09/03/2020 15:33

Of course it’s not illegal, at 16 you are old enough to get married and have kids of your own. Unless the 16 year old has learning difficulties etc.

It’s still crap parenting though.

ChicChicChicChiclana · 09/03/2020 15:46

Very bad parenting. Poor kids.

Pebstk · 09/03/2020 17:58

I wouldnt leave my (not sensible) 17 year old or my (fairly sensible) 15 year old for a night - never mind the 13 year old - totally crap parenting