Struggling after daughter hurt my feelings

[WhatTimeIsItCuckoo]

Hi all

My daughter is coming up 14 and is usually the kindest, most sensitive girl. However the night before last she said something that really hurt me. I could see that she instantly regretted her words but could feel tears welling and beginning to spill so I had to leave the room as we were in a hotel restaurant and was unable to return as I was so upset. I know she was also very upset and has since apologised (albeit briefly due to embarrassment I think) but she has since just tried to carry on like it didn't happen which I'm finding hard to do as I still feel really hurt. I'm aware I'm the adult here though and don't want to make her feel bad by being obviously quiet with her but I'm struggling. Has anyone else had this and how did you deal with it if so?

Please be kind as I'm feeling pretty fragile. TIA.

I do feel for you OP, mine aren't teenagers yet but ds1 has started testing the boundaries of what is ok to say at 7 (ASD doesnt help as he can be abrupt) and I struggle a bit with it on the quiet.

Of course it's usually me he says things to , which makes sense I'm mum and I'm safe and he will test things out in me.

It was my DP actually that instituted the best policy and response. After a couple of times where he was told not to be rude DP sat him down and explained, you live with a family in a family home which means everyone is treated with respect and kindness. Part of our role in a family is that we are all important and everyone should be treated with a certain level of respect that includes mum, it is not ok to hurt her feelings and you have to consider what you say.

We see it as training him for the outside world as well, it covers comments about bodies , behaviours etc. Its mildly successful in the moment (no bloody idea if it will have the remotest success in the teen years ...I doubt it but we will try as it's worked so far) but of course he only finds out after he has said something that he has crossed a line which means the statement has been said, I cant help but be stung ( I divorced their father which is usually a go to and never fails to sting).

I did accidentally show I was upset one day (I usually try to hide it) and I felt awful but DP said something that made me think, he pointed out it was ok for ds1 to see the consequences of his actions ( I was far from histrionic but ds1 had definitely seen he had upset me ) , he pointed out that seeing it genuinely affect me rather than be all understanding all accepting mum would help with empathy. Still not sure how I feel about that as i dont like DC to have to manage my emotions but the more i consider it the more i think he has a point . I suspect knowing she upset you is a bigger consequence than anything else and seeing you are still struggling with it may not be a bad thing.

However i fully accept that i do not have teens so it's very different , I can still put mine on the step !!

@thecatfromjapan
Beautifully put cat.

I'm glad to see you have a dog, OP. When you have teenagers you need someone who still worships you!

Unfortunately mums - all mums are the absolute last word in untrendiness and embarrassment. I remember cringeing at my mum - especially her posh "phone voice" - but I think the difference back in the day was that I would never have dared say anything. I just glowered.

It's not just the words - my dd can take me down if I'm dressed up and a "look" can strip one of all confidence. Like others, I mostly do the "Ha ha ha" take it on the chin thing, but occasionally I do a minor blow up and that seems to do the trick of letting dd know that I am actually a human being.

Wow that sounds hard Shiva I normally can, and do, put up with a fair bit having two teens together, however this just felt different somehow and was very unlike her. I also think that her brother pulling her up on it made her swiftly realise and regret it but, as a pp just said (sorry I didn't see the name), the thing has already been said by then. When she said sorry she tried to turn it around by saying it had just been a joke but, whilst I accepted her apology and told her so, I also told her that I didn't accept it had been a joke because it hadn't. She then told me I was being unfair and walked away - that's all that's been said on the matter up to now.

School starts again tomorrow so I'll soon forget about it I'm sure with all the madness of the weekly routine starting up again. Any other thoughts/advice still appreciated though, thanks again!

I think it's fine to tell them if they've overstepped the mark and said something really hurtful or that's upset you. It's part of raising a kind human.

I wouldn't let her off with the "Its just a joke," reply OP. She needs to learn that's a very passive aggressive form of communication designed to validate her and invalidate you.
Wish I'd given myself that advice when my little treasures were that age.
I didn't.
And bitterly regret not putting those boundaries in place then.

No I completely agree pall, it wasn't a joke and she knows it, and yes she was saying that in the hope that'd make it all ok. As I say she then attempted to turn herself into the victim by telling me I was being unfair and walking away, I could have followed her and argued the point but I deliberately didn't, I just left it there for her to think about. She normally has a lot of empathy and deals with friendship issues really well and in a mature way so I'm hoping she's had/having a think about things even if she's not saying so - we'll see.