Constant lying:, I'm refusing to even talk

[MrsWhisker]

It's ludicrous.

I could have a conversation with ds1 (14) and he would just lie.

So for example, I asked ds2 to wake dd1 the other morning. He prodded her really hard and made her Yelp. I didn't ask him to do that!!

Ds1 told me ds2 said I had told him to hit dd to wake her up.

I called ds2 to check and he said no, that wasn't true, he didn't say that.

Ds1 then storms off after saying he never said ds2 told him that. It's risible because his lies are so easy to counter.

He claims stress but he lies all the time. Generates arguments all the time.

It's actually quite remarkable how he manages to draw me into his argument and I need to just not engage with him at all from now on.

He also smashes up stuff like glass bottles and photo frames in the house. Slamming doors. Damaging furniture.

He gets the rage at least once a week and over reacts to everything.

He bunked off school this morning too. The school is furious and will be taking action.

I just can't be arsed anymore. He causes so much distress and damage over nothing. And he's nerved remorseful. Gives this phony apologies which I have to accept in goodwill.

I've spent £££££s on counseling for him. Different Counsellors who've all said what a lovely, intelligent boy he is. I've not been allowed to say what he's like at home because their relationship is confidential.

He was previously under cahms - so in the UK.

You don't live in the UK any more.

Has the international move caused upheaval? It's almost inevitable that it has...

Was it accompanied by a change in family structure?

Change of school system sounds inevitable - how old was ds1 when you moved?

You have a dog that habitually urinates on the floor indoors and the urine is left to clean up later...

There's a lot more going on than anyone can unpick and help you with unless you're a bit more forthcoming! Obviously privacy is important but this is so clearly part of a much more complex situation.

Is his father on the scene? If so, how is their relationship?

Dog sometimes does a wee yes. I usually clean it up straightway but that day, I was so late so I popped kitchen roll on it to clean up when I got back 20 minutes later. I wouldn't read too much into that as symptomatic of our household hygiene!

Dh and I are at a loss. Simply don't know what to do.

Ds1 appears to hate me. He sometimes is hostile to his dad but not as much and will respond to him positively.

He loves his new school, he says. There are girls there which he likes.

I'll reread the thread and try to focus on the advice to generate a strategy.

MrsWhisker are you in an English speaking country? Is he learning a new language?

Perhaps post on living overseas about therapists in your country - there is an expat network you can tap into even if living outside it in most countries, and through that you can almost always find things like English speaking therapists if you can pay.

I have a pet teen who would say something like "Little brother said you wanted me to hit Amy to wake her up". It's bizarre so I ignore. Besides, at 14yo they are old enough to think for selves and not hit someone just coz they were told to!! I'd be more bothered about not thinking for self than the strange exaggerations.

The smashing things... DS used to lose his temper so not impossible he could be like that. What triggered the smashing things events in your household, OP? How did events escalate to that point?

My DS is just coming up to his GCSEs. The internet goes off at 10 pm in the week

I'm nearly 60 and I wish someone would switch mine of at 10pm! Kids really vary and it does interfere with sleep (and often with other activities) so if he is internetting instead of sleeping you would be helping him if you can put some restrictions in place.

When you saw CAMHS in the UK, what did they actually tell you? It does vary from area to area but in my experience they don't just send kids off for therapy or counselling, because those are treatments. They take a history first, do some evaluation, talk to the parents, maybe also to the school. What did the psychiatrist or clinical psychologist who assessed your DS tell you about him?

His behaviour is beyond what I'd think of as normal teen stuff and as JiltedJohnsJulie says he's got some impulse control problems. I'm not sure what's behind his lie to you, I understand lying to get himself out of trouble (even when it's obviously a silly lie) and lying to get his brother into trouble, but this doesn't seem to be either of those. Is he just blaming you for everything wrong in his life?

Does your teenage son smash holes in doors and punch metal cabinets? Does he throw and smash glass water bottles? And picture frames? Weekly? Because he's missed his lift to school?

No, but I know youngsters who do. Most of the ones I know have severe anxiety and/or mild autism. My own son probably would have done but he was diagnosed young and we had strategies in place long before he was teenage and that included us making sure that missing lifts was not a thing - or as the child-psych told us, doing it for him until he was old enoughto do it for himself.

And did they assess him for all the usual suspects - ADHD, ASC, anxiety etc? Psych-types tend to look for problems that persist across different environments so if your DS seemed fine in school (etc) a few years ago they might have decided it's not worth looking for an underlying condition. But if your DS has started bunking off school then maybe his problems really are deep-seated enough that he is no longer coping there either.

I hope you find some strategies that help, This really is tough