My 14 year old daughter

[Nicky00]

Hi everyone

Has anyone out there experienced a depressed teenage daughter? One that has no enthusiasm or interest in anything, hates school, self loathes, feels useless/no good at anything, stupid, ugly, little anxious about leaving the house at times, totally unattractive, lazy, moody, very little enthusiasm and now hesitant about going out with her friends. The sad thing here is that she's a beautiful girl, inside and out, kind, sensitive, selfless, has a good sense of humour, bright, liked very much by her friends (albeit just a few) and is very loving.

These feelings have gone from only occuring prior to her monthly menstrual cycle to pretty much all the time now. She can talk to me about how she feels but it does get very emotional for her. I have asked a number of pertinent questions which she is comfortable answering and basically confirms she's not being bullied, abused and there's nothing externally going on.

I really dont want to go down the GP route/have her taking medication unless this becomes debilitating for her and i've saturated every other avenue. I don't feel counselling is the correct route to take at this moment in time, however, i may be wrong.

If anyone can share their experiences with me and be able to part with some helpful advice, it would be appreciated.

Thank you

Take her to the GP, if this is depression or anxiety you need to support her to get the treatment required whether that be counselling or medical before she gets really unwell. It won't get better by itself.

Im wondering if this is not uncommon amongst teenagers of her age and with the support of me and her dad, in time it will pass. I understand you saying get help before it gets too bad of course but i feel hesitant to escalate this so soon.

It already has escalated. It used to be before her period and now it's all the time. It will escalate further if you don't get her some help. Keeping her away from the GP isn't helpful.

Get her into counselling or therapy ASAP. Just having you and her dad to talk to isn't enough as you're not trained in the methods that will actively help her feel better. Medication if she needs it, although I'd try therapy first.

If you're worried it's too much there are online options such as Better help or Talkspace where your therapist communicates with you over emails or IMs.

Please let your daughter get help. Not getting therapy in my teens lead to a lot of missed opportunity on my part because the depression got in the way. She's 14 now, whole life ahead of her, don't let her start falling into the depression pit now. It's so hard to crawl out of.

Thank you. I'll will go down the counselling route.

@Nicky00 just to warn you, there are long waiting lists! My dd has been very low for around 6 months now although possibly not as bad as your dd as she still goes out with friends.

We decided to take action before Christmas - it may even have been November. She asked to go on the school counsellor’s list and she’s just had 2 sessions so far. The NHS referral resulted in a telephone consultation with her last week to see what help she needed. They then gave her the Samaritans number and said the waiting list for CBT/counselling was very long! So better to get on the list sooner rather than later..

Hi - I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I had a very similar experience with my daughter about 18 months ago a she’s now nearly 16 and much better. She went to docs and had therapy however I do t know how much it helped her as she hated going but it’s definitely worth trying. There are some other things too that helped my daughter. I got her a weighted blanket and a Lumie lamp to help her wake up. She also went on the pill and she takes 5HTP supplement it’s like a natural serotonin. She also takes a multivitamin and an oral vit D spray. I read a lot on how to support / stay calm / deal with screens/ validate and properly listen. We also did somethings together in the house - baking and watching TV series and her favourite band on YouTube which helped with communication. Definitely also found that if she put her phone away, she felt better. I am sure she will get better woth your support. There’s a film called Screenagers that you May be able to access via your school that is also very helpful and a book called Parenting Anxious Teens which was a lifeline for me - sending you hugs

Also I think having some jobs around the house even though they’re not feeling great can help and give them sense of purpose and contribution to family life.

If your daughter had a throat infection, chest infection etc, you'd take her to the GP for antibiotics...mental health is no different!!

Please get her some help

Lilactimes#thank you for your kind response. I had discussed counselling with her this morning which she was slightly hesitant about but not against.....to be continued (not wanting to act like a bull in a china shop)! We do, no actually, we DID, do a lot of things together like you said, baking, watching comedies & films/cinema, days out, walking the dogs, playing games etc however you have just woken me up to realise this has become less frequent of late so I will pick this back up again. That said, we both cooked dinner tonight which was enjoyable for both of us. I'll definitely look into the 5HTP suppliment and Vit D. Did your daughter have blood tests for any deficiencies? Can completely relate to the phone being put away helping her, which we have done in the past but again my effort to prompt this has lapsed slightly too. I'll also check out the film, Screenagers.

I believe your relationship with your daughter will have helped tremendously - do you feel the Pill has also had a large part to play in her recovery?

Thank you once again for sharing your experience and suggestions - your gentle approach is appreciated X

She did have some blood tests as she was also physically unwell at the beginning . I do think the pill has really levelled out her moods - she tried two different types before one that seemed to work. Personally I think this played a big part in helping her especially as I could see the downswing in mood was linked to her periods and then gradually the downtime’s became most of the month.
There’s such a standard type of teenager, girls feel they should be at this age, and if they’re not into selfies, make up, nail art, latest fashion, boys etc they feel there’s something wrong with them! Sometimes, it’s then easier for them to retreat and so begins their self doubt and inward looking. It may be poor mental health but in most cases unless they’ve suffered childhood neglect or abuse they’re not usually mentally ill. Going to doctors or paying for a psychologist can help as they see you’re taking them seriously. But I genuinely believe for my daughter it was the help that I received in how to change my parenting. In showing real interest in her , listening properly building her resilience and validate her experiences and spending more time around her, it’s helped her feel better about herself, not be so obsessed with social media and have the confidence to say what she does and doesn’t like. Also once our relationship had improved she was more prepared to listen to me if I suggested leaving the phone downstairs or going to bed at 9.30 to get a good sleep. She started to understand some of the things I was suggesting would help her rather than me “nagging her” Tanya Byron on her website is helpful and also that book Helping Your Anxious teen. Staying calm and not letting them see you’re worried is also important. It was a psychologist who said to me that my daughter wasn’t mentally ill. Yes she was nervous and had low mood but that she was lacking in resilience, a bit spoilt and had low coping mechanisms and coached me to change how I parented. Brutal to hear but so important to know for me.
I am sure you will be fine and so will your daughter . Getting help from doctors and therapists even if just a few sessions or guidance for your family in dealing with the situation is very worth it. I wish you the very best as I totally understand how worrying: despairing it can make you feel Good luck xxx

Lilactimes - You're talking logical sense which sits very comfortably with me. Very reassuring. THANK YOU once again x

Perhaps it would help if you did some reading/research yourself into approaches for mental health so you know more eg there's a good book called "manage your mind"

Assuming nothing serious in the background, physical activity is usually good for lifting mood (ca you do something together?) and with teens it's often about helping them navigate friendships etc

Just chipping in as my teen had a vit b12 deficiency and now has vit d and iron deficiency. Also to reassure you that it will be a very long haul before medication would be offered. GPS can’t prescribe ssris to under 18s so you’d need get to someone in CAMHS who can prescribe and the evidence based for young people is therapy first.

Just to chime in that sometimes thyroid problems start around that age and affect mood and can cause anxiety.

Thank you to all for your suggestions. All taken on board.

My DD got very depressed at age 13 and ended up threatening suicide. I already had taken her to therapy and done so much to help her to no avail.
We got her on prozac and it has made all the difference in the world. She is like a new young woman. Knock on wood.
I hope you find help for her.

Well I came on to this board to see if there were any posts describing what we are experiencing and here it is. I hope you don't mind if I join you Nicky in seeking advice and indeed reassurance.
My very nearly 14 year old DD confided in a teacher last week on a skiing trip that she feels desperately unhappy, feels empty, no joy or motivation, hater how she looks. She also shared that she has thought about throwing herself off the cliffs near where we live. They are going to refer her to CAMHS and we have been to the GP who has taken bloods re. Thyroid and iron as mentioned above. My poor girl! I just feel so bewildered and frightened.

divingworldchampion. Oh my goodness how frightening. It doesnt seem to be uncommon these days for girls of this age to suffer in this way. My daughter is going to the GP this week and she's also starting counselling. I've got a feeling the Pill will help level her out a bit but that's yet to be tried and tested. I've also bought her some books on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and she's also, as recommended, taking Vit B suppliment and Vit D spray. It's a very worrying and frightening time but all we can do is hold their hand, keep positive and do as much as we can to help. Hopefully in time, not too long, they will get through this and start to flourish. Keep the faith. Please let us know how you/your daughter get on. Best wishes to you both

It's definitely worth taking her to the GP. We were signposted to a service that my daughter could self refer to, and she had some CBT. It doesn't suit everyone, but research shows it does help a lot of young people with low mood. We're lucky in that it's a service provided by our local university as early intervention, to help before things get bad enough for CAMHS (and they have to get very bad to get you seeing CAMHS here, and most parts of the country, I suspect)

If you don’t want to give her hormones you could try acupuncture. It’s about £50 a go so it’s not cheap but it can level out hormones really well, make periods less painful, lighten then if too heavy etc.

The nhs gives it for some things but not period or hormone problems as yet.

Pick one who is a member of the professional body preferably with an interest in female health.

DD 14 got school based counselling for 6 weeks and also CHUMS doing CBT. GP sympathetic but just referred to paediatrician. Problem now is no school means no counselling just when she needs it most😪