I need help

[ellyj86]

I have 5 children. One of which is my 16 year old daughter. She is t my partners child but he has been in her life since she was 6. She sees her real dad every other week. But my partner does so much for her he is like her dad. Past year they have been arguing really bad and am stuck in the middle of it all an it's really stressing me out. Anyway today I was at work for home an my daughter messaged to say she wasn't coming home an staying at a friends because my partner has lashed out at her an hit her. I told him he was completely in the wrong an not we ain't speaking. But she never speaks to me either. She dropped the your not my dad bomb an thinks she can treat him like crap. Her friend speaks to her parents like their dirt on her shoe an this is where she is getting it from. How do I control this as she has started being gobby towards me now. An asking where all my money is as I won't give her any. Please don't judge. Am really struggling but trying.

So sorry to read this OP. I would say it’s normal for teenagers that age to basically not want to talk to their parents (not all, but enough for it to be “a thing”)

She dropped the your not my dad bomb an thinks she can treat him like crap.

I would be treating someone like crap if they lashed out and hit me at 16 years old too, or at any age really. I would have assumed, given he is the parent and she is the hormonal teenager, that she was exaggerating or flat out lying but you say you’re not speaking to him because of it so did he actually admit that he did? That’s quite worrying on his part.

16 year old girls are hard work , want to be treated like an adult but also want the privileges of being a child too. You have to be firm yet approachable and don't rise to small issues. Your partner hitting her is totally out of order , that's assault and is totally unacceptable I hope you have told him to get out ?

@ellyj86 you might not want to hear this, but if i were 16 and my stepdad hit me, and i had other places to go? Fat chance I'd be coming home, ever. Christ, if my own dad had hit me at 16 i would have left. This may be a case where your DP needs to go. And quite frankly, why would you want to stay with a man who thinks it's acceptable to hit a teenage girl?

He has never done anything like this before an he did tell me an he was so upset. But she pushed all his buttons an he said he just did it. She has come home tonight. Straight upstairs not come to talk to me. Came down for her tea an back upstairs. Am trying to give her space an let her come to me when she is ready to talk.

@ellyj86 If someone you thought was caring for you hit you, woken you want to talk to that person, or anyone supporting what they did?

Would, not woken

@ellyj86 when people at work push his buttons, does he hit them? Or is it just young girls with no way to fight back?

He isn't a bully an he is very upset with what he has done. Am not agreeing with what he has done. I came here for help not to be made out to be a bad parent t an not surrporting my daughter

@ellyj86 So far, on this thread, nobody has called or made out that you are a bad mother but if you are genuinely seeking help then you must realise that your partner hitting your daughter is not on, and that would be the case whether he was her biological father or not.

Posted before I finished... and him hitting her will have contributed to her bad behaviour and not speaking to him, and not speaking to you either if you are taking his side and not supporting her.

What? He hit her?!!!

They were arguing in the mor I got an she pushed his buttons. I don't agree with what he has done I have said this an told him he is in the wrong an have also told him to stay his distance away from her an give her space. Am not taking his side over any of it am have never said this.

You know it's classic abuser behaviour, right, to "just snap" in the moment because he couldn't help it, the victim "pushed his buttons" and then afterwards be full of regret and remorse and say it will never happen again? Until the next time she pushes his buttons, and he hits her again, except this time its her fault because she knew what would happen when she did it?

If you want your daughter to have any faith in you whatsoever, you need to take her side 100%, and make sure she doesnt ever have to be around this man again.

You are taking his side, because you've let him get away with physically assaulting your child.

It doesn't matter what she said to him during their argument. Hitting someone is never an acceptable response, and I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to be around him.

Your partner assaulted your child, and you're worried about your daughter being "gobby"?

What would you tell your dd if she was living with a partner and he hit her?

You would (hopefully!) tell her to leave, not look for excuses for him.

You cannot expect your dd to stay in a house where an adult man who has hit her lives. Are you really going to put your dd second here? Are you really going to forgive an adult man who hit your dd? There are no excuses.

^^ Good advice given in the above replies OP and as hard as it may be to hear it, the replies given to you aren’t making you out to be a bad mother, but questioning why you aren’t taking your daughters side in this after your partner lashed out and hit her. You’ve asked for help and you’ve been given advice. I hope you take it, even if it takes until tomorrow or a few days before reading what people have said to you on this thread.

This may be inflammatory and don’t reply if you don’t want to, but have you ever hit your 16 year old daughter, OP? If what I think what I know will be the answer, why are you taking the side of someone completely unrelated to her hitting her?

Your poor dd. Hit by her step father and he's still in the house.