DD 15 should I be concerned WWYD

[Menopauseandteensdontmix100]

DD year 10/just turned 15 was a lovely cuddly affectionate child until she went to secondary. She was bullied in year 7 and 8 and I really tried to help with this but they were sly, school weren’t brilliant and it didn’t really help.
This had a massive effect on her confidence she became quieter, withdrew more from us and was pulling at her hair.
Anyway I have still always tried my best to maintain our relationship and continued to show an interest in her, tell her I love her, tried to take her clothes shopping which she hates and gone out for coffee and cake and out with the dog as well as suggesting other things to do together and encouraging her to meet up with her friends.
She has Dyslexia and has always done ok at school in terms of behaviour and average for her grades (slightly above in maths and sciences). But DS a year older is extremely bright so this can’t be easy for her.
She has a small group of school friends quieter more introverted less popular but a more inclusive gang. She sees them at school but doesn’t see them that often out of school.
I know they change when they are teenagers but she is addicted to her phone barely speaks to me at all which I find hard, seems to hate me and shows me little or no respect. She hates being touched and if I try to touch her (give her a cuddle or touch her shoulder) she goes berserk and calls me a paedo.
I have tried different strategies at different times to picking my battles, letting her away with some things (as I felt a bit sorry for her not having the best time and not wanting to make her home life unpleasant), to trying to take a hard line over her swearing at me, not listening, lying and leaving her room like an unhygienic pig sty.
Anyway she hasn’t eaten meat for about a year but won’t eat fruit at all and will only rarely eat veg. She is tall and average build but exists on a very bland/beige diet. I can see what she has eaten for school meals and it’s like a bottle of water and a small plain roll or occasionally chips and gravy. Or water and a tray bake so eating very little at school. I have asked her to suggest some meals she does like and taken her shopping but it’s hard work and she doesn’t know what she wants to eat so can’t tell me.
She seems to much prefer DH these days who is really chilled and I am bad cop. He says just ignore her (but I love her and don’t want to loose touch with her and find this difficult to do). She doesn’t get pocket money as she would blow the lot on chocolate but we give her money if she is going out with friends.
Any advice for surviving the next few years so she doesn’t go off the rails without being too OTT for her sanity and mine.

To make homemade chicken goujons, buy a pack of chicken mini fillets (about £3). Freeze in batches of 3 (or whatever amount she might eat). Just remember to take out of freezer in morning. You can buy 'breadcrumbs that come in a box (a box like Bisto gravy comes in - the round ones).
When you come home, pour a little olive oil onto a plate. In the next plate have the breadcrumbs sprinkled. Roll the mini chicken fillets in the oil first, then in the breadcrumbs. Stick in oven at about 180 for 20 minutes or so. If she ate 3 of those, she'd have almost the equivalent of a chicken breast eaten.
Sorry if that sounds patronising, but I learned that trick watching another mother doing it and wouldn't have known how to make my own goujons!

These are the breadcrumbs I'm thinking of

WiseGerri - I really wish my mother got be CBT as a teen. It might have saved me years suffering from depression.
Another thing I've noticed. I like clothes and like my taste in clothes. DD is all about sportswear really (labelled of course). But I've discovered that she appreciates being given money and allowed off to buy stuff herself, rather than me picking out what I know will suit her stuff for her that she wouldn't choose herself.

Thanks she won’t eat any meat or fish or any veg substitute that tastes anything like mince or meat. I think she might eat a lentil Dahl. She enjoys a dhansak sauce (without any meat or veg) with rice as an Indian takeaway.

Some good advice here I am going to have to back off up my game and get creative to encourage her to take some responsibility.

Thanks

PS I did suggest counselling awhile back as another friend of a friends daughter had some. But DD wouldn’t entertain the idea.

*got me

You just described my dd. It's hard :(

I think all of us should have counselling on a permanent basis, but that's for another thread! Her world is basically her friends now. You're no longer her world and that's hard for me personally to come to terms with. I now have to realise that I'm not 'the boss' anymore and that I have to treat her as an equal rather than as a child. It's hard. So, yeah, I love that rope analogy. I'm holding on dd! Give me your worst!

DD likes eating vegetarian food from time to time, recently we made Quorn Spag Bol together and she really enjoyed both the experience and the food.

Also recently I got her to chose a dessert for her to make for Sunday, I bought the ingredients and left her to it, seemed quite proud of herself after and got annoyed when her brother wouldn’t come eat it when he was called (some important lessons here!)

Next step I’m getting her to chose another dessert and bringing her to supermarket and she will have to track down and go pay for ingredients.

I’m working towards giving her a set budget to plan a family dinner for 4 (big ask but I am working towards it!).

Recently saw this book review and thinking of getting it,

How to Grow a Grown Up: Prepare your teen for the real world

Op I have 3 girls, and apparently it's a thing where whilst they're teens they tend to clash with their mothers but do often become very close once again in adulthood. I think it has a lot to do with personality types, if you're very similar you might clash more during the teenage years. I'd just pick your battles for the time being and I would still make an effort to do things with her, shopping etc because whilst she might not come across as being very grateful right now when she's older she'll look back with fond memories.

eyemask I think the problem with me and dd is that we're both stubborn and headstrong as fuck. More like two stags locking horns than a scene from Little Women.
But I wanted her to be strong, so I've achieved that. It does however mean that she 'can't be dealing with me'.

I back down (I'm supposed to be the adult). But we do have stand0ffs.
She is so strongly herself, she literally doesn't need me apart from in a supportive role (making lunch/dinner). She doesn't want me at all.

I think my role is to be a constant in the background. I am not really part of her life anymore. I'm more the mattress she can fall on when things go wrong. I'm not the boss anymore (which leaves my control freak a little unsettled).

I can totally relate to dislike being touched. Just stop doing it. It is very unpleasant.

I just wanted both my two to feel loved as my mum wasn’t very loving when I was growing up and I often wondered whether or not she loved me into adulthood. So I didn’t want my two left wondering. So I tell them
I love them as much as poss and we used to all enjoy cuddles when they were little.

But they're not little anymore. They'll feel more loved if you respect personal space.

I think at 15 she needs to have some money of her own.

Yes, she does need some disposable income. Even if she spends it on chocolates.

I don't think anyone can have felt more loved than I did. But part of the way my parents showed that love was by being sensitive to my growing need for space and independence. They were always very clear that by the time I reached 18 I would be a grown-up. They would still be there to offer love and support when needed, but I would have autonomy. They also made it very clear that there wouldn't be a sudden transition, that they would keep gradually seeing me as more and more grown up.

These are things I would do:

set an allowance and discuss/spell out exactly what it has to cover. Then accept that how she spends that is her business and not yours

accept that her room is her private space and that as long as she is not damaging your property it is up to her how unhygienic she keeps it (though you can insist on no food on floor- rats- and communal crockery/cutlery to be returned downstairs)

respect her private space and don't touch her if she doesn't want to be touched (yes, her comment was inappropriate, but she may have felt very uncomfortable being forced into physical contact she doesn't like)- this is a time in her life when she really needs to be allowed to have her boundaries

accept that she is her own person, and if clothes shopping is something she hates (I do too and did as a teen, so feel her), then it's never going to be a good bonding thing

You really need to respect her boundaries and stop touching her. I am guessing you are a tactile person like me, but it is her body and it is important that she feels comfortable telling someone to stop. I don't approve of the way she did it obviously, but if you keep doing it even after she has said not to, it will provoke a strong reaction tbh.

There is a natural distance that comes at this age, it is a development stage, where they move away from parents and gravitate towards friends, become more independent. That also extends to things like having control over food and environment. I wouldn't tolerate dirty cups plates etc, but if her bedroom is a mess just close the door on it.

Sometimes as well I think it is learning the best way to approach things. If my mum had dealt with the coat bag situation the way you did I may have snapped too, especially if hungry. Whereas if she had brought me tea and a cookie and then after asked me to move stuff, I would have been fine. I am stubborn and headstrong too and to this day i get irritated if someone orders me around, though of course I have developed ways to cope with that now. I think the hardest part of parenting is when you see them start to break away and you can't do anything about it.

I also HATE clothes shopping. Me and mum bonded by going to the library together

Thanks all. A lot to take in she has a bank account and card with her Christmas/birthday monies in she saves hoards most of that most of the time. But we tried giving pocket money and she was blowing it on umpteen extra large bars of the cheapest nastiest chocolate you can find.

HMmm
I have a 15 yr old and 17 yr old
They are nothing like they were at primary and there is no point even comparing now to then.
Things I do:
We have a weekly compulsory clean and tidy of bedrooms. They can live in a pigsty all week but on the weekend it needs to be sorted inc hoovering etc. This gives them a bit of autonomy and responsibility.
I let a lot of things go but I won’t tolerate rudeness - I don’t mind a joke but if it goes to far I will say that’s out of order etc. You need to tell her what is acceptable or not. I also turn a blind eye to swearing but won’t be sworn at (ie you can say something is shit but not tell me to eff off).
We don’t know half of what goes on in their lives and brains. I can be chatting to dd in her room and say something she doesn’t like and get told ‘you can go away now mum’.
Do you drive? It’s the time I get the most out of them in terms of their lives as they’re not looking at you and they can’t escape!
As for the food thing - I also have a veggie who is fussy in terms but she eats quite well. It’s frustrating when they don’t eat decent food but you mentioned baked beans which is one of your 5 a day.
I would love to know exactly what’s going on w them, hug them more but you have to let them come to you and know you won’t judge.
One thing mine hate is pushing them to see friends when they’re in the house over the hols or weekend. I suppose they feel we don’t want them in the house, but it’s more I want to know they aren’t having friend issues!!

But we tried giving pocket money and she was blowing it on umpteen extra large bars of the cheapest nastiest chocolate you can find.

This is precisely the kind of thing we're talking about. No, I'm not saying buying cheap nasty chocolate is a good thing. But at her age, you can't go on for very much longer controlling how she eats or how she spends money: now is the time she has to be allowed to make mistakes. In three years' time, she will be an adult and while you don't have to fund anything you don't like, you will have to accept that she will either get a job- and you won't have any control over that money- or she will go to uni- and then you won't have any control over any aspect of her life.

Totally agree with not tolerating rudeness.