DS falling apart over toxic relationship

[Woowoorocks1969]

I'm at my wits end. My 17 Yr old ds has been going with a girl on and off for 2yrs. She is a very damaged girl from a family of drug addicts, younger siblings in Foster care. First year they were together was OK - he thought he could save her. 2nd year, her aunt died of drug od and she went off the rails which coincided with her turning 18 and taking the attitude that she could do what she wanted. My ds could not cope with her running wild and drinking heavily. I also suspect she was taking drugs. He struggled through his gcses as she dumped him 2 weeks before. They got back together but it has just been a constant mess of violent arguments and my sons mental health has declined in the last 6 months. I believe he is suffering from anxiety and possibly depressed. He loves her so much but wants to control her and have the girl back that he fell for but that girl is long gone. He is failing in college, he has stopped seeing his friends, he is withdrawn and isolated but also so agitated. I fear for him. He is on the waiting list for cahms but in the meantime I he is starting counselling with a local mental health charity. Tonight I have watched him have a phone conversation with her and he looks to me like he is a breaking point. I do not know where to turn anymore.

That sounds tough to watch. x

Sounds so tough.

Are you able to take him away for a couple of weeks on a little holiday so he can completely be removed from the situation? Not as simple as that I realise, but might give him some head space which it sounds like he needs?

My DD was exactly the same with her partner of many years. Naturally you'll be worried sick but I found detatching helped and made him less of any exciting option! It took over all of our lives so after several years i just stopped with my own anxiety and said I'm here to listen but im not commenting as you know how I feel and we are going in circles.

Eventually she saw sense of her own accord but it took a long time and her self esteem is still shattered and she lost most of her friends but is building back up again.

Not many years but from 14-18.

I had this with dd when she moved in to her boyfriends. I had to go and pick her up constantly with her bin bags.

I took her to a cottage in the middle of no where so she could just breath and get some perspective. It’s really hard to watch and not get involved when all you want to do is ban them from the house and tell them to piss off but that really is the worst thing to do.

They did break up eventually. I really hope your ds is ok

Thank you so much for the messages. It helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this situation. Tomorrow I have to take him to a meeting with his course coordinator at college as he is so behind. She really wants to help him but I think he is so obsessed with her and caught up that he cannot focus on anything else. He did not get out of bed today 😢