Gaming ban - discussion and support thread

[belay]

It's now 7 months since we took away the PS4. We've been through all sorts of issues with gaming and the detox process. I am happy to chat about this . Our DS is 13, ADHD

What made you make the decision to take it away completely rather than just restrict access? Seems a bit severe/counterintuitive, how will he learn to self-regulate?

He had a PS4 for 18 months prior to the problems. What started it all was live chat and Fortnite. Live chat was new and exciting. We had a rule that he only spoke to his two best friends but he kept talking to anyone and everyone ! We warned him several times and he was still actively adding lots of people, total strangers. The playstation was in the living room and he was getting increasingly aggressive and trying to push me out of the room because he knew I would stop him. He was literally screaming and shouting down the microphone and being rude and hostile. He would not stop playing when asked, even when given countdowns.
Fortnite was a complete nightmare. He was totally addicted. He wouldn't stop playing, even if he knew we were going out or his time was up. We fitted a Q Time device and he simply would not accept fair limits. In the end he tried to smash the device. He had been asking for skins from his own birthday money. I found out he had been giving them away to other players. He then started asking for v bucks, as other players were asking him to buy the battle pass. He was very aggressive with this, demanding v bucks. He was threating me and my husband in rages.
I contacted Epic and asked them to ban him. They were very helpful and banned him immediately, until I contact them again to lift the ban (that will be never).
The playstation removed after the Q Timer smashing incident.
We then suffered several months of him coming home from school and demanding it be returned. Our patience was tested to the max. He again was very aggressive and we had to lock away kitchen knives because he threatened us. This continued sporadically and has now stopped. But we are still braced for further demands.
He has shown us repeatedly that he cannot self regulate.

ds has a PS4 and some of the behaviours you mention are the usual teenager console behaviour and nothing to be concerned about - ds and his friends mostly play Fifa. They get excited when playing, they shout, they sound rude (they are all the same, it just part of the game, he is polite, kind and generous in reallife), they dont want to come off when you need to go out/have dinner ready as they are in the middle of a game (understandable). They spend money on the games, its their birthday money and while I think it is a complete waste, it is still their money to choose what to do with it. If they give skins away then its their problem when they are gone.

We manage it by telling him to pipe down if it gets too loud, let him know exactly when we are leaving/dinner will ready so he knows not to go into a new game etc. He can have as many friends as he likes as long as he knows them, or someone else physically knows them.
All within the realms of acceptable.

What is not acceptable is being friends with strangers, or being aggressive when asked to come off. It he is easily coerced into paying for things and being taken advantage off. Physical aggression. If ds had these issue around gaming then a ban would be considered. Do you think the issue is a combined gaming/ADHD issue? It must be tough when he wants to be like is friends but cant regulate the intense feelings gaming can cause.

Was he like that with other games or just Fortnite?

Any games with live chat but Fortnite was No1 problem

Fortnite is designed to have that effect on kids

It's worrying how some parents think that screaming /shouting whilst gaming are "normal teenage behaviour"

When people play side by side, it can end up in shouting too. I remember my brother shouting when I beat him at Mario Kart.

My teen son does shout but it's not nasty and if he started even remotely looking like he was going to smash stuff up then I'd have no trouble getting rid. He's open with me about who's on his friends list and who he's playing with and it's other boys from school and not strangers.

The best multiplayer games are often competitive (although I know that Fortnite has a cooperative mode)

Crikey OP, that sounds extreme. I wouldn’t call it normal behaviour in any way. I suppose the ADHD adds to it. However, parents have a right - if it’s within their control - to some quiet enjoyment of their own home. That’s the bottom line. Everyone’s so bloody concerned with kids and their “right” to enjoy themselves. Sounds like you did the right thing for now, for your DS and your safety. At least for now, I DT know if ability to self regulate gets better in time with ADHD.

I'm feeling awful today for it but I have taken my sons off him. It's only for today but play will be restricted from now. He was on it from 11am till gone midnight yesterday and that's the norm for him. He told me he'd turned it off and I went in his room and he hadn't.
He never goes out with his mates. He's goes to school and plays football on a Sunday with a training session in the week and that's it. His life is spent in his room with curtains drawn playing Fortnite. He moans when we go out as a family as he's missing tournaments, games etc and we have to make him do anything with us. It stops now. Like I said, feel awful for it but it has to be done.

I'm thinking 3.30-5.30 and 7-9 in the week and 2-6 then 9-11 on a Saturday and nothing sundays as his fortnite time? Which will obviously change when we have other activities/family time etc.

DS (almost 12) has not been allowed on Fortnite since Christmas. He is utterly addicted and he just cannot regulate his time on there and was getting very angry and frustrated. He has actually just been diagnosed with ADHD too and I think gaming deffo fuels the “quick win reward” and makes him ridiculously over-sensitised.

@dramaqueef can you clarify, are you saying as of now that you’re reducing game play to 4 hours during the week after school and 8 hours on a Saturday??! What was it before?! That’s still way too much! When does your son do his homework or anything else?!