School refusal and behavioural problems - anyone offer any positivity?

[DoreenSamuel]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DS 14. He’s a long history of being disruptive, defiant, angry, aggressive etc, although he’s not had any angry outbursts for a while thankfully.(both at school and at home).

He’s on a reduced timetable (3hrs a day 3 days a week, the other two are local college and work experience where he works for his dad if he can get out of bed).

I’ve tried everything from taking his stuff away to paying him to go to school and try to behave but nothing works. He’s currently in the IRU with a special 1-1 ‘coach’ who tries to work with him, but I’m ashamed to say I think I’ve given up on him in terms of his education.

He categorically has told me he doesn’t want to go to school, he doesn’t want to learn anything, he doesn’t care about getting any qualifications and to stop having a go at him.

I’m always saying how on earth will he get a job without any qualifications or skills and he just shrugs and says something along the lines of he’ll work for himself or something will come up!

He waltzes around in his pants, raiding the fridge, is completely bone idle and entitled and thinks this is all ok. If I tell him off he just grins at me and winks.

I just cannot find a way forward- he doesn’t have a care in the world and is only interested in going out with his mates and sleeping.

Does anyone have any experience of this? His Dad and I have a strong work ethic and are polite and have manners, I just don’t understand - it’s like he was switched at birth

Does he have any tics or OCD-like behaviours? If so, look at PANS / PANDAS.

Otherwise - do you know what he DOES care about? Some teens only really care about their phone so that's the only thing worth taking off them, but it might be something else for him. Is there any teacher that he respects and would listen to?

Thanks chocolate, I will look into that. He can be a bit OCD about things, like refusal to wear uniform as he doesn’t like how it feels, will go through phases of only eating particular foods then suddenly switch to other foods. He doesn’t have tics but does make random noises. He can’t stand still or concentrate, if I’m talking to him he has to have something in his hand e.g swinging my broom around in his hands or banging something on a hard surface to make a noise.

He does care about his phone and went absolutely ballistic when I’ve taken it off him in the past, but he doesn’t learn from consequences and his behaviour was even worse so I found it pointless.

I think he has ADHD but our local health authority refuse to asses him as he has admitted to smoking cannabis on occasion and refuses to take a drugs test as he says that’s an infringement of his human rights and he shouldn’t have to prove himself to anyone.

He’s been brought home by the police twice for being disruptive and has worked with the youth offenders team - nothing phases him or impacts him at all. It’s really difficult because every time I try and ‘parent’ him it back fires.

Have you considered Aspergers - well autism as it's all under the same umbrella now. My dc is a school refuser recently diagnosed we had to pay privately as local camhs is useless according to them school refusal is normal teenage behaviour!!

Look up PDA, OP. Pathological demand Avoidance. Means “compulsive” avoidance of every day demands eg brushing teeth, being on time, getting out of bed, chores, homework.... the list is endless. Sometimes OCD type behaviours.

Have a look online.

PDA does not respond to usual punishments etc.

It has some similarities with ADHD. But for lots of people it’s a much better fit. PDA comes under the autism umbrella. It’s about control and anxiety, though anxiety often hidden.

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, its tough, OP. Good luck

how does he pay for going out with his mates?

Thank you, yes I strongly believe he has PDA, it’s really difficult.

I give him a couple of pounds when he does go to school or follow instructions- this sometimes works but often doesn’t.

His dad will pay him if he does his work experience also

He sounds exactly like my DS who has ADHD. I have unfortunately no advice for you as I am at the end of my tether. I have managed to turn off his internet access and he is currently going mental and telling me he will not stay here tonight. He has been excluded and will go to an educational support centre next, but he just feels totally out of control. Won’t take adhd medication but does smoke weed and experiment with other things

Fleetheart - how old is your DS? What do you think he’ll do when he leaves the educational support centre.?

It’s incredibly hard and such a worry as he just doesn’t think ahead or understand the ramifications or consequences of what he says or does, presumably your son is the same?

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗

He is 15, nearly 16. He is so oppositional, and common sense just doesn’t seem to get through to him. I am just keeping my fingers crossed he matures I suppose! I have targeted youth support involved, and also the drugs people. He can be ok on occasions, but more often than not he is very challenging. I have just asked and asked for more help as like your DS he doesn’t really get the long term effects. Thanks for the hug- and one for you too- it really is very hard. I am just working to keep my sanity really!

I think he probably has PDA but is not diagnosed with this.

It’s v v hard.

Doreen and Fleet - please remember to look after yourself as much as humanly possible in all this chaos and upset 🙁.

Wishing you 💐 and hugs, 💐 and hugs and whatever makes life feel better.