Sexual Coercion

[Michelle5234]

DD aged 17 has finally seen the light and split up with dreadful boyfriend after 10 long months which included her GCSE’s which she basically threw away - as did he but his exam train wreck was expected, hers wasn’t. Just found out he was using coercion to get her to have sex all the time. She told me they weren’t doing it at all. He has depression, anxiety and anorexia. Since knowing him she shed most of her friends and developed the same mental health issues as well as self harming. For the last couple of weeks she’s started to see how manipulative he’s been - all of which he blames on his mental health issues (as does his mother). Now that she has broken up with him she has told her school about the sexual coercion and they have called in the police. She’s just told me. I’m reeling. I’m writing this because I don’t have anyone to talk to, and I know there’ll be more to this which I’m guessing I’ll find out tomorrow at school with the police. I’m angry, disappointed and furious with myself for not protecting my DD from this dreadful young man. What an awefull start to the world of relationships for her. In terms of a response from the lovely people out there I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Thanks for reading anyway. X

Oh OP. How awful for your daughter, and how painful for you - sending you all the strength I can muster. You must be so proud of how courageous she has been to come forward though, and of the faith she must have in you to open up to you about it.

Thank you ReallyLilyReally. She's doing really well coming to terms with being in an abusive relationship. It'll be a tricky road over the next few months but at least she's away from him.

Watch out for - and try to inoculate her against - her getting back together with him serruptitiously, coercion worked before and might again. It can be a horrible cycle of regret and feeling worthless. Hopefully the obvious seriousness of having the police involved will keep it top of her mind.

Wishing her strength for recovery! Look after her.

How awful for your daughter and distressing for you. Keep in mind that you knew nothing of what happened, and there is no blame on you, it is entirely on your daughter’s ex.

I found myself in a similar relationship at 17 (lower 6th). My bf was intense and I truly believed that I was special and it was me and him against the world, that nobody understood our relationship, I could soothe his mh issues and so on.

His control was suffocating, he bombarded me with written messages when we were apart and questions when we were together. I believed that the sex was special, but it was on his terms both psychologically and physically .

I truly believed that he and I were together forever and had something so special. I told nobody of the rows, the sex on demand or the lurking fears when he threatened suicide to keep me in line. Certainly not my parents. I was in a bubble.

Your daughter has burst that bubble, she is strong and and you can now support her to help rebuild her life. Be strong for her and support her, but I’d advise against badmouthing her ex in an ‘I told you so’ manner as she may well still have feelings for him despite seeing the light. In my case it took me years to realise just how bad my situation had been.

You sound like a great parent, your daughter is lucky to have you.

Thank you so much SpoonBender and GatoFofo. You're incredibly kind - and GatoFofo I'm so sorry for your experience. I'm just coming to terms with this myself and I'm quite frightened by what has happened (what this young man has been capable of) and the possible future backlash on her from his family. She is basically taking a stand for the women in his future. I think she is extremely brave. I will take your advice and not bad mouth him (although I may rage in my head a fair bit). Thank you again xx

I hope your meeting at school tomorrow goes as well as it can. Your dd is really lucky to have you onside.
I’d imagine that the police will be able to support you re his family. I really hope that your dd can move on quickly, she is strong and I take my hat off to her for speaking up. As you say, for all of the other women out there!

Seconding Gato, good luck OP. I'd be interested in hearing what measures the police are taking, as I've never heard of a sexual coercion case involving dating teens being prosecuted before.

I hope your meeting hoes well tomorrow too. I hope that what she says is taken seriously and I will be thinking if you both

@Michelle5234 how did it go? Beaming you both good thoughts

Police were fab. Very kind and supportive. This whole thing is pretty scared though. Thank you again everyone, for your kindness - it means a great deal.