Am I being too lenient??

[cola2019]

I have an 11 yr old and a 13 yr old who both love school and are doing amazingly well. They both do 2 after school activities and they have never been in any trouble at school. I have realised this last month I am quite a lenient parent, I allow them on their phones in the evenings and let them decide when to do their homework. Some nights they don't do their homework till after dinner 730pm other nights they do it about 530pm when they get in from school. They tell me everything and when I say everything I mean everything as soon as they walk in the door they both give me a minute bu minute run day of their day actually fighting to speak over each other. They self regulate for bedtimes and some nights they are tired and are asleep by 930 other nights they are still busy watching something or doing something in their room till a bit later. However both know that 1030pm is the absolute cut off but are both usually asleep by 10. They both have their phones in their rooms for alarms but are never on them during the night. We do have ordinary teenage strops which sometimes can be pretty intense and lately the swearing has crept in from the 13 yr old not the 11 yr old. Again I ignore this and let it pass it is her way of getting the frustration out. I have never confiscated a phone or device - I just let the strop run its course and wait until I have an apology. Generally we have a good relationship and because they tell me everything and keep me informed of every movement it works for us , most nights they are downstairs watching tv with us or on their phones - rarely shut away in their rooms. The laptop is in the lounge and we don't have any games consoles, but husband thinks I need to make rules such as an hour of screentime, 9pm bedtime and no swearing and every time the 13 yr old swears she has to pay us or we take her phone away. When I asked him why he thinks this he said it is because we need to control them but if they aren't out of control why instil rules that will cause them unecessary distress. I know of friends who instill all these rules and then the kids rebel. I am hoping my way works. Am I being too lenient??

At the moment, your way is working.
Of course, they are still very young yet.
Review, as and when - or even if - things change, but at the moment it sounds like you have two lovely dc and a great relationship.
Appreciate it as long as it lasts and, whilst it is like this, why would you change things ?

husband thinks I need to make rules

Why does he think it's your job to make the rules? Surely he is also a parent?

Anyway, he's wrong. There is no need to have rules just for the sake of it, and trying to control everything will just end in a power struggle. It sounds like they're self-regulating perfectly well at present. If that changes, you can reassess.

I have never enforced rules or punishments with my teenage dd (nearly 15) and she continues to be very sensible and disciplined. My parents took the same approach with my dsis and me. Neither of us felt the need to rebel.

There is no need to create tension where there isn't any. Tell your DH to chill.

I've taken a very similar approach, my husband also thought I was way too lenient. Our daughters are now 21, 20, 17 &15 and we still have the same open relationship and they are lovely kind and considerate people. I agree with pp, if things change, re-evaluate, otherwise if it's not broken....Instilling rules for the sake of it seems absolutely bonkers.

Sounds good to me! I was never a fan of the ogre approach. Confident expections go far, I think.

I took a very similar approach. My DS is 24 now, has 2 degrees and a good job, is very a empathetic and caring young man. I'm not a fan of control for the sake of it, my own 'D'M was a total control freak and there was just no need for it.

i think of you raise them right you shouldn’t need to punish as they ‘feel bad’ if they do something wrong and want to put it right.

They are general good and behave at school. They aren’t perfect and make mistakes. I’ve never grounded them or taken phones or gadgets.

However friends parents have and it doesn’t work. They borrow another phone, sneak out, play Xbox at friends, if they want to they’ll find a way and just lie about it.

You have trust - no need to break it.

I am the same with DS. He's a delightful 16 (in a week) year old who is interesting, intelligent and chilled.

I think you are doing fine. You'll know what to do if anything goes wrong but it may not.

I think with teens it's an evolving relationship. I'm very similar in my parenting style but DS 14 started to push boundaries such as using phone after he'd gone to bed, so the phone is now charged downstairs. Not necessarily forever but for the time being. Both kids acknowledge I'm relatively relaxed and trusting but the flip side of that is I have expectations that they reciprocate and, if they don't there are consequences. Usually we discuss them and decide together but after listening ultimately my decision stands. They say I run a benign dictatorship

As other posters said, if it's not broken don't fix it but be aware it may change or need adapting as they get older.

We've had a similar approach with our DC, now 20 and 16. So far so good.

If they behave well and self regulate why interfere? Surely that's what we're aiming for.

Nah, rules for the sake of having rules is silly.

You sound as if you have a really good balance of things right now.
Rules would come in for me if I wasn’t happy with how things are.

Is your DH unhappy with how things are? Perhaps that’s why he’s wanting rules?

I did try to have a swear kitty for a while. Only problem was, the only person who ever had to contribute to it was mum and even that was never enough to even buy us all a drink.

My approach has been almost identical to yours and it's worked out fine. DDs are now 19 and nearly 17, academically successful, lovely circle of friends, nothing but praise from the people around them.

My late H considered me a terrible parent because - gasp - I did not come down like a tonne of bricks on swearing. His late sainted mother hated the F word, you see. His take on parenting was that what his parents did (very repressive) worked fine for him (it didn't - he was an alcoholic with mental health issues) so it would work fine for our DDs.

I stood my ground over it, our marriage ended, he died and I have ended up with two fabulous young people in my life. Carry on as you are. If things go pear shaped, you will use your instincts and you will do the right thing.

Whatever you are doing appears to be working for you and your kids, some kids and some parents need/want rules. Others don't.

Your DCs sound lovely, and no you are not too lenient. All children are different and your way is working with your two (many MNers will no doubt be envious!)