Is this what teenagers are like?

[Deadsouls]

DS1 is 12. I don't have experiences of parenting teenagers. I do remember my own teenage years and I guess I was pretty hideous at times.

His attitude at times is terrible. He can be very negative and moany about everything. He talks back at me and uses this street lingo calling me 'man', 'wet'...stuff like that. But I guess that's how the boys talk at school. Not to excuse it.
He stomped out of the kitchen leaving his dinner and stomped up the stairs over some inconsequential matter, telling me to shut up twice.
I'm afraid I did lose my temper with him as he was being vile and would not stop talking back.
I confiscated phone for the evening and he keeps bugging me to get it back.

All of this when his grandad who he doesn't see very often is here. He was also rude to him.
He is basically been unpleasant all evening, so have left him his room.

All of this after his grandad took him out to town and treated him!

It's just me and him and his little sister. He does see dad regularly but his dad doesn't really get involved with parenting, and of course dad is the good guy as he doesn't live with him.

He can be very sweet at times and helpful. But he is temperamental.

Now I just want him to leave me alone. And I want to go to bed and not deal with him for the rest of the day.

The question is: does this sort of sound familiar to anyone else?

Temperamental, moody and slang are all normal. I wouldn’t accept being told to shut up though. (And I have raised 3 teenagers)
Don’t give him the phone back. He is putting out his horns and pushing the boundaries. He needs you to stand firm

It's so hard not to react! I wish I could be all cool and let it wash over me.
Sometimes I can. Sometimes it gets to me.

I'm not letting him on any screens tonight. Well he can watch the TV with his grandad and that's it.

Thank you for your reply * @dementedma*

It is very hard deadsouls but I think if he realises at 12 what is and what isnt acceptable then you are going to save yourself a lot of grief as he gets older. There will be mood swings, tears, door slamming etc but hold firm on whatever your red lined are and impose sanctions each and every time they are crossed. Pick your battles wisely. I turned a deaf ear to underbreath muttering and a blind ear to a bit of eye rolling and bedroom untidiness , but gave no leeway on rudeness, swearing and coming home later than agreed. Your rules will be different, but stick to them like glue. It will be worth it in the end.

Don't have any answers @deadsouls but I could've written most of your post.
So just to say- you're not alone.

Thank you @poshme
I think that's what I was hoping for, to know that to a certain extent this is all par for the course.

Well after being unpleasant all evening. I stood my ground and hasn't had a screen all evening.

I have a DS's 14 and 12 and agree with pp. this is normal. Decide what you can accept and what you can't but make the line clear. I allow a bit of cheek and eye rolling and even swearing in the correct time and place but never at us or each other. I allow arguments between them to run their course to a certain extent but violence is never allowed. I impose phone confiscations and screen time bans when needed and hold the right to check their phone which always leave their rooms at night.
I think it's important not to be overly harsh with mood swings but consistency is key.

Sometimes lightening the mood by just laughing and saying 'who let Kevin in' helps them see how ridiculous they are.

There's a book frequently recommended on here called Get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town

Might be worth a read - or listen on Audible!

You have to accept a bit of moodiness, but there's no way I would accept being told to shut up.

Pick battles, be absolutely firm with rule-breaking (and ensure that no name-calling is a rule in your house), don't rise to things that are not rule-breaking or rude per se but that just happen to annoy you (like using slang).

Ignore the slang, he will grow out of it. Don't treat it as rudeness, it's just trying to find out where he fits into the world.

Negative and moany is his hormones speaking, just let it wash over you and stay resolutely sunny.

But be absolutely firm with real rudeness: name-calling, excessive criticism, telling you you're useless etc. A firm I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT every time. The calmer you stay (not cold, but calm and firm), the more impressive you will seem- particularly if you have a general attitude of being fair and not easily riled.

And just wait. They do come out at the other end. Being the parent of ds at this age was like walking round with your own personal rain cloud. At 19 he is meticulously polite and grateful for any support given, and though I imagine his life probably isn't all that fun (long commute, boring and badly paid job, often unpleasant customers), he doesn't complain but gets on with it and takes responsibility.

Yep,moodiness I can accept ,rudeness no.My 17 and 18 year old are not allowed to insult me or anyone else. No violence ,or threats of it at all.Put this in now,as when like me your 16 year old 6ft4 son does something you think he shouldn't do he better know you mean business.

I never tolerated rudeness. I would tell them what my expectations were when family visited - phones away and engage in conversation.
Yes, moodiness is normal but rudeness should not be. It’s better to come down hard in it now so it’s not an issue later on when there’s not much you can do about it.
Look at other areas too. Many Teenagers have a lot of pent up emotions and energy that they need to get out. Make sure he has an outlet.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I'm going to read through thoroughly later.

The one common theme I'm picking up on is 'pick your battles'. Which is actually really helpful.

"I don't talk to you like that. So why do you think it's ok to talk to me like that?" is a pretty standard line I have for mine. It seems to be effective, makes them think.

A very cross kid will still come back with irrational shit about how their situation is different, mind, but that just tells you they can't have perspective right now. You've still got the moral high ground about treating each other decently. Only an extremely upset kid will try to argue that people shouldn't try to be decent to each other.