DD's long distance relationship

[Delaneyblue]

DD is 16. She is doing A levels. She has a boyfriend, who she met on holiday. He lives a fair distance away. It takes about 3 hours + to get there by public transport.

She has been to see him twice. Both journeys were problematic with late trains etc. I feel like it is his turn to make the effort to come here but she says he's not allowed and wants to keep spending all her money and time going to see him.

She keeps asking my permission to go and see him. I've said that I can't stop her but don't think it makes sense and that it seems like a very unfair arrangement, where she is making all the effort. She is then sad because she can't see him.

I don't know what to do for the best! I've suggested meeting in the middle but apparently he isn't allowed to do that either. He is 16 too.

Why is he not allowed? Since they both are minors, maybe you could talk to his parents?

He doesn't live with his parents, as they weren't able to look after him. He lives with other relatives. This is the only explanation DD has for him not being allowed to go anywhere. I don't know how I'd talk to them, and would feel awkward about it really.

I guess what I want is for DD to realise for herself that this can't work, given the restrictions but in the meantime, she is driving us mad begging to be allowed to see him. And sulky when we say no.

But you haven't said no? Is it possible she doesn't really want to go and is using you not giving her "permission" as an excuse. I think the only thing you can really do is wave her off with gritted teeth. Willing to bet that if you gave her your blessing she would soon get fed up spending all her time and money travelling and the relationship would fizzle out.

He lives with other relatives. This is the only explanation DD has for him not being allowed to go anywhere. I don't know how I'd talk to them, and would feel awkward about it really.

Oh... i think there's a rule you can't let foster kids out on sleepovers and stuff. I may be mistaken, but this was so in the past.

Yes I think that's correct re fostered children but we're not talking him coming for a sleepover, just getting a bus to his nearest town so she is saved at least part of the journey, which is apparently not an option. Instead DD has to take a bus and 2 or 3 trains, and then the same coming back the same day. I also think the looked after children rules are different after 16, as many fostered children are moved to independent living in flats as soon as they are 16 (this happened to a friend).

It's true, I've not said no but I have said I don't think she should go again so soon, which she doesn't seem to have realised means that she could go anyhow. I guess in a way I'm lucky she is so unrebellious!

Just say she needs to do what she feels is best. Your opinion is that she is being a little bit taken for a mug but that part of growing up is making your own choices. And then don’t get involved.

No I would not let her go all that way without him making an effort.
My dd 15 went on a bus to next town only 20mins away twice to see a boy with a group of friends by the 3rd time I said no not to he comes down he came down and she couldn't even be bothered to go out and it all fizzled out.

Have you met him? Foster kids are allowed out, my DDs friend was in foster care and seemed to have plenty of freedom, was definitely allowed into town etc. he sounds like a user.

It's difficult not to get involved, as she asks my permission and also for our help when things go wrong, e.g. phoning in tears when there is a problem with the trains. Given that she is going there and back in a day, the journey back ends up being late at night, which makes it additionally worrying.

I've been 'letting' her go as generally I believe in children having a reasonable amount of freedom, particularly as they get older. They can then gradually learn how to deal with day to day problems. But this journey is just a problem waiting to happen, and means I feel anxious and guilty, as she really wants us to rescue her when it goes wrong, which defeats the purpose.

I've not met him, although my son has, as they were all on an activity holiday together last year.

I think I’d be giving her a lift through and get a look at his set up for yourself, sounds a bit odd, she’s too young to be at his beck and call.

Go on a visit with her. I'd definitely want to meet him at least. You don't have to spend the entire visit with them, maybe just a meal.