Daughter 19 sneaking bf into house

[Skybluemandylou]

My daughter (husband’s step daughter) has had an on/off, tempestuous relationship with X for 2-3 years. About a year ago we’d had enough of the drama in the bad times and him spending all day sleeping in her bedroom and being basically a dosser here in the ‘good’ times. He never took her out on dates, just seemed to ensconce himself in our house. He’s estranged from his mother, doesn’t get on with his father who has remarried and has other children.

Anyway, 2 breakups ago, we told him in no uncertain terms he wasn’t allowed in our house again.

At Christmas we were delighted because she told us 3 weeks before she has decided to finally and completely end their relationship. She has seemed much happier and more stable since, has started going out with friends and even had a date or two with somebody else.

Yesterday we noticed something about my car (not in use at present because I’ve had recent surgery, but that’s another story!) so this morning, husband had a look through the videos from our doorbell camera. He noticed that X arrived at our house early yesterday morning and left at 11:30 last night! He tried to avoid the camera but it was definitely him. He knows he’s not welcome.

Daughter is still in bed, she’ll be at work from 2-10:30 today so won’t be around for us to talk to her this evening so I have time to plan how to tackle this.

Do you have any suggestions? She’s very defensive and not adverse to a barefaced lie. I sound very calm here, but it’s probably the painkillers from my surgery..I’m livid.

Just tell her that unfortunately he's not welcome in the house and that if she still wishes to see him it must be elsewhere. But that will have consequences.

What sort of person is he? Do you think it could be possible to get to know him and make him feel welcome? Is he trustworthy? TBH, I'd rather know who my DD is with and where, as opposed to her hiding him from me. It's a tricky one!

I think I would be showing her the video evidence, saying she has broken the rules you made in the interests of everyone in the house and that if she sneaks him in again she will have to move out.

I would also buy her a a copy of “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. He’s a cocklodger and as such is abusive. I’m guessing he’s abusive in other ways.

I'd wake her up now if you're both going out for the day and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that if she allows him into your home again she'll be asked to leave.

Whether they have a relationship is up to her. Whether he enters your home is up to you.

Hi Soontobe60, thanks for your reply. We’ve been down that road in the early days. Got to know him, invited him to family events, helped him out with his motorbike, etc. Further down the road, when we’d had several dramas at the house, including him getting her arrested, him abandoning her in town late at night and turning up here drunk, late at night because he had nowhere else to go and trying to turn us against her. Her being attacked late at night because he didn’t see her home safely. We’ve been kind to him, and now we’ve had enough. He’s burned his bridges with us. If she wants to see him that’s up to her, but no longer under our roof. He’s bad for her, we can see that but she clearly can’t.

Thanks for your reply, GiveHerHellFromUs. I’m new here and find it confusing to use, so I hope these replies are appearing. She will definitely say she’ll leave if I do that. Any ultimatum she’s ever been given, she’s chosen the one that sticks two fingers up to me/us. I feel really sad that she’s been duplicitous, I thought she was maturing and we were building a good mum/adult daughter bond and I feel like she’s undermined that now. I wonder where we stand legally? He’s entered our home, knowing he’s not welcome. But I guess she’s an adult who lives here and has invited him in.

Hi Stealthpussy thank you for your reply. I suspect you might be right, he seems to take advantage of our (previous) hospitality so probably takes advantage of her good nature (it’s in there somewhere!). He’s one of life’s takers. I’ll definitely get the book, sounds good. Thanks again.

Don't worry, your replies are appearing fine Can she afford to support herself if she moves out? Or would she go to her dad?

Legally you won't have a leg to stand on as she's an adult, as you say.

The only other solution I can think of is that you take her key from her and only allow her in the house when you or DH are home, although you shouldn't have to and it's probably not viable.

What video doorbell do you have? Do you get notifications on your phone when there's movement? On ours you can set areas - ours shows whenever anyone enters the drive at all. Though that'd still depend on the layout of the front of your house.

I wonder if you could start with something like:

"I realised we have had this conversation before and we have asked you not to have x in the house but has anything changed that you feel would change our opinion of him? We are aware that you brought him into the house yesterday and we are very disappointed about this but to be fair to you we would like you to explain why you felt that, that was ok"

It's a less confrontational way of saying you are fuming and would feel less like an attack. Even though you have every right to be angry.

Her being attacked late at night because he didn’t see her home safely

I'm sorry but this is not ok. It's not his fault your DD was attacked. He sounds like an absolute arsehole and not someone I would be supportive of my DD having a relationship with, but please don't blame him for her attack. The idea that it's his responsibility to get her home safely is putting her in a vulnerable position. Make her know it's up to her to manage her getting home safely. Always. If you teach her he is responsible for 'looking after her' you risk her going deeper into this relationship.

I would be mad that she has broken the rules, I would sit and talk it over and see where it led. Kicking your DD out would be a last resort but if she really isn't going to respect your property then maybe you do need to lay it on the table as an option. The only problem with that is it goes back to the above, she will then need him more.

I'd just like to add I agree with @JohnVirgo that the boyfriend isn't responsible for getting her home safely and him not taking her on dates isn't a reason not to like him. She's capable of taking him on dates too.

I can understand why you are livid as she has broken your trust however I think you need to understand her motivations. I assume he has had a tough life but that could have made him manipulative. You say she broke up with him so he may see her as a soft touch.

If she feels she has to help him she will need to understand he has complex issues and she won't be able to fix him. I got involved with a boy at a similar age and whilst not as bad as him I can now see how manipulative he was and I an easy target because I was empathic and idealistic.

Try to have a calm conversation and help her to see that he needs to move forward himself. Can you help her refer him to shelter and benefits organisations?

She may also need counselling as she could be falling for bad boys, hoping to fix them.

Op, what about your husband calling him and telling him he is never to come to the house again.
Sorry to say that the bf may have more fear or respect if it comes from another man. Plus it takes you out of the equation bc you need to recover.
Good luck and get well soon

hey skybluemandylou, no suggestions I'm afraid just wanted to say I feel your pain, I am struggling with my 18 year old (created a separate post yesterday about it) and all suggestions to have a calm convo with her dont work as she just will not engage. I wrote her a letter today which hasnt worked either.

at a complete loss, it's so awful not being able to have a good mother daughter relationship and I just dont know where all the drama will end.

sending hugs xx

It’s a ring doorbell. I can see him very clearly on it.

Jessie9323 this is really helpful, thank you.