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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Found condom in dd bedroom - what to say to her about it

27 replies

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 16:02

NC for this etc.

Dd is 14 (still 6 months to go till 15th birthday). Needed to get something she'd borrowed out of her room, moved a pile of coats out of the way and found a condom, still in the wrapper, but with a tiny tear at the top.

Now, I honestly don't think she's had sex. She has no boyfriend, to my knowledge, and barely has time for one anyway as she has full-on weekend and after-school activities and a large social circle. She is, however, a mass of raging hormones and has about 15 intense crushes on various people, both real and fictional/celebs.

The brand of condom is the same as DH and I use, so I think she may just have snaffled one from our room and kept it 'just in case'.

Any advice on how to approach this when she gets home from school in about half an hour? I don't want to scare (or cringe) her into feeling I'm not approachable when it comes to relationships and sex, but I really don't want her to have sex at this stage!

OP posts:

Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 16:11

Yikes, 20 mins till she gets home now.

Should have gone all-out and put this in AIBU perhaps...or not...

OP posts:

EskSmith · 21/01/2020 16:13

She could just be curious about condoms themselves. It would be a good idea to open one up and look at it long before you were going to use one.

purpleboy · 21/01/2020 16:16

Just be causal, no accusations. Tell her how you found it and start a conversation with her, it's a good opportunity to reiterate safe sex at an appropriate age.

EskSmith · 21/01/2020 16:16

I wouldn't discuss this explicitly with her. I would over the next week or so find time to talk to her about relationships/sex in more general terms.

Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 16:16

Yes, I think I'll do that. For a start, the small tear might mean that it's no good anyway now it's been unsealed, so that would be worth pointing out.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 21/01/2020 16:20

Well if it’s still in the wrapper, she obviously hasn’t used it!
OP, at her age isn’t it more likely that she was just curious to see what they looked like, or to familiarise herself with the technique of how to unroll and apply one, rather than she is having an active sex life with an unknown boyfriend, completely concealed from her family?
It could be a good chance to have a calm conversation with her - “I found this in your room, DD, did you want to have a chat about contraception?”
I had a similar chance finding when DD2 was 17 - we’d long since covered all the basics, but I asked her if she’d prefer to be on oral contraception, and drove her over to the GP surgery to get it sorted when she agreed.
Don’t erupt in anger or panic, or you’ll lose her. Just have a nice chat, and it will draw you closer and let her know you are concerned about her, and you can then point out the fact about being underage for consent etc, and discuss boundaries and keeping safe.

Isadora2007 · 21/01/2020 16:22

I had a condom in my pocket that my mum found. I told her it was just out of interest etc. It wasn’t, I was sexually active at 13... I honestly don’t know what she could have done to stop that or put me off. Perhaps spoken about masturbation? Sex as a young teen isn’t really usually much fun... and I am so so glad I didn’t get pregnant.

gaffamate · 21/01/2020 16:23

I would say "I'm so glad that you are aware of how to be safe

lilgreen · 21/01/2020 16:25

Just curious I should think. I’d come out with it when you’re alone as in” What’s this doing here?” And take it from there.

Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 16:25

Thanks, babdoc - yes, definitely no plans to rant and rave, and I like your opener. I suspect she may have been having a giggle about it with her best friend (nobody else has been in her bedroom recently) or, as you say, was simply curious. I'm looking for a way to talk about it that won't make her beg me to shut uuuup muuuuuum and blush herself to death (ginger, so she blushes big time) basically.

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LilQueenie · 21/01/2020 16:27

curiosity. I have to admit I did the same at that age.

lilgreen · 21/01/2020 16:27

She’s 14! I wouldn’t be encouraging sexual activity.

Reginabambina · 21/01/2020 16:29

I think you should start by applauding her for thinking about taking precautions - that’s great. But explain to her that safe sex isn’t as simple a whacking on a condom. Condoms don’t protect her from Herpes and they don’t do a good job as a sole method of contraception either. Just tell her that when she starts having sex it is important to make sure she gets HPV shots and a second method of contraception first (tell her you are happy to sort this out for her). Tell her that part of having safe sex is also advocating your own boundaries and staying safe. Tell her that when she is going to be alone with someone new (even when she’s 30 or whatever) it’s important that she tells someone where/with whom she is and that the person she is knows that this information has been passed on. Also make it clear to her that she deserves to enjoy sex just as much as a man and that she should never do something that makes her uncomfortable or is painful just because she is asked. Teach her to spot red flags like sexual pestering, not taking no for an answer the first time, asking a new partner for something very violent or painful etc and teach her to leave if possible or otherwise say ‘no, I do not consent to this, if you continue it will be rape/sexual assault)’.

I know that it’s awkward having these conversations but that’s why so few women a prepared for sex when they start having it.

Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 16:34

Thanks, everyone, I'm glad I asked, lots of great points and I have a way forward now. Good old mumsnet.

She'll be back any minute, I think.

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CmdrCressidaDuck · 21/01/2020 16:39

I too think it's quite likely she's curious and/or she and her friends have been giggling about them. Think you've got some great guidance here and it's a good opportunity to stay calm and reiterate that she can come to you as and when she needs to.

almostfreeatlast · 21/01/2020 16:42

Your kids all lucked out with you lot!

If my mum had found a condom in my room at that age (and I was already up to all sorts by then) she’d have gone absolutely apeshit. I’d have had my phone taken off me, grounded, make up taken off me etc.

Well done for handling it better!

Allyg1185 · 21/01/2020 16:43

I was in this situation as a teen. I was only 13 and my friends older brother had been at a stag weekend and he brought home a bunch of flavoured condoms. We stole one each from his room. Mine went home and never left my room but made me feel very grown up. My Mum found it while hoovering. We had a chat and I told her the truth to why I had it. It was another few years before I was sexually active and when I was my Mum took me to the dr to br put on the pill. You never know why she might have it

Mol5 · 21/01/2020 16:59

Remember she will be having sex education at school and at that age in SE class being given a condom and told to learn how to use it etc/practice on a banana isn't unusual! It could be as simple as her just investigating and exploring sex education.

collywobblescar · 21/01/2020 17:01

she probably got given it at school during a sex education lessons? To be honest I wouldn't mention it. She's got it and is obviously aware of safe sex because she has it. Respect her privacy and maybe try taking about safe sex in general to reinforce the message

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/01/2020 17:02

Remember she will be having sex education at school and at that age in SE class being given a condom and told to learn how to use it etc/practice on a banana isn't unusual!

This, she likely got it from sex ed. We were given a sandwich bag with a load of condoms in at sex education in yr9.

CakeandCoffeeQueen · 21/01/2020 17:08

This is really good advice! I would add if you a bit about masturbation and that’s it’s completely normal to be feeling horny.

“I think you should start by applauding her for thinking about taking precautions - that’s great. But explain to her that safe sex isn’t as simple a whacking on a condom. Condoms don’t protect her from Herpes and they don’t do a good job as a sole method of contraception either. Just tell her that when she starts having sex it is important to make sure she gets HPV shots and a second method of contraception first (tell her you are happy to sort this out for her). Tell her that part of having safe sex is also advocating your own boundaries and staying safe. Tell her that when she is going to be alone with someone new (even when she’s 30 or whatever) it’s important that she tells someone where/with whom she is and that the person she is knows that this information has been passed on. Also make it clear to her that she deserves to enjoy sex just as much as a man and that she should never do something that makes her uncomfortable or is painful just because she is asked. Teach her to spot red flags like sexual pestering, not taking no for an answer the first time, asking a new partner for something very violent or painful etc and teach her to leave if possible or otherwise say ‘no, I do not consent to this, if you continue it will be rape/sexual assault)’.

I know that it’s awkward having these conversations but that’s why so few women a prepared for sex when they start having it.”

Craftycorvid · 21/01/2020 17:08

Hope the chat goes well. You sound absolutely lovely and with a sense if humour, so I’m sure it will go well. Could you possibly borrow the Tardis and time-warp back to 1980 for a chat with 14-year-old me when you’re done?

TheJoxter · 21/01/2020 17:11

I’d assume she was just curious about them, since she’s so busy and doesn’t have a boyfriend

Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 17:12

Gold stars for all of you mentioning the school sex ed class - this was what had happened. We had a chat about safe sex, consent and the age thereof and she was totally sensible about it and was able to quote chapter and verse almost better than I was.

She also mentioned that she'd turned down a boy at school last term, which was news to me. Good news, as it shows she won't be pressured into anything she doesn't want.

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Original poster

SisterVanHelsing · 21/01/2020 17:14

Ha, craftycorvid, I'd have to nip across time and space and have a word with my own younger self as well. My RC education didn't cover any of this stuff .

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