Monitoring texts

[Rocsand03]

Exactly how far into your teenager’s (14 yrs) texts do you read? Do you monitor who they contact or do you read the content? I read mine and right now I’m actually horrified. Half of it he talks about with friends - mainly female friends I’d be horrified if a man said them

...i think it's a pretty huge invasion of privacy to be reading your 14yr old's phone. Unless you have a prior agreement with them that you'll do so, I'd leave it well alone. Its not only an invasion of his privacy, but of his friends' as well and tbh at that age it's bang out of order, to my mind.

As long as you are open with them about monitoring their texts, I think that is fine. Recently had an incident of online bullying that DC wouldn't have mentioned if DH hadn't checked their phones - parent of one of the children who were doing the bullying also found out at the same time by checking messages. Between us we were able to sort it, but it could have become nasty if we hadn't checked the phones.

You need to weigh up their 'right' to privacy against your 'responsibility' to keep them safe. The balance shifts for lots of reasons including age/honesty/maturity etc.

I would not be concerned in the slightest about the right to privacy of another child who was bullying mine online. Keeping my child safe is my responsibility.

Teenagers need to understand that anything they post or send to someone else is always out there and could be passed on or copied by anyone.

I have a 14yr old DS and yes I check his phone with his full knowledge. So far I haven't discussed anything I see unless he brings it up but I would report to school if my son was being bullied. I have seen some awful 'banter' but DS is sensible and does not get involved in the worst of it. He will discuss friendship issues with me openly so I am fairly relaxed but I still check for now.

Mumski yes it’s the security of my child I worry about. We all know the subjects they talk about and think are hilarious... we’ve all been there! However when it moves up to a level of believing it’s funny to say somebody did something or is a certain kind of someone or joking about a phrase related to certain acts in a way they all think it’s light hearted I know how these things can get people labeled and in trouble and it can happen unintentionally. That’s why I feel it’s important to point out certain discussions to him and act on it as I want my son to grow up to be respectful of others situations and feelings. He is a great person but something happens when they’re all’s talking that brings out the complete thoughtlessness

@Rocsand03 it sounds just like the threads that my DS has on his phone. A lot of what I think they call banter is actually pretty horrific. But I do know all DS friends and they are all good kids that are still learning appropriate boundaries. There can however be unintended but serious consequences to stupid online behaviour There is a very serious issue in DS school involving long term consequences for a victim of an online prank. DS is not involved but a close friend is and he can see how these incidents can end up much more serious than was intended.

We have impressed on DS in the past that everything he does on his phone can be traced. Messages can be screen shot and other parents like me may be monitoring phone use and could see whatever he writes. I have also demonstrated to him that when he deletes something he might have regretted writing that it is still out there. This latest issue is proving that point to him so in my mind that justifies my monitoring as it makes him more conscious of what he does online we have also discussed it in terms of the effect on the mental health of all those involved.
I would say continue to monitor and discuss issues which concern you but try not to be too judgemental of your DS and his friends. Most of them will grow up and learn that this kind of banter is not really that funny. Discuss potential unintended long term consequences in a what if scenario. Monitoring should be used in the context of educating your DC how to behave appropriately online and not as a means of discipline.

Thank you. I definitely haven’t been judgemental in a way that I think he would be involved in something like that however when I pulled him up about he basically said I don’t care what’s on there or what’s being said. It doesn’t matter! He says this about literally everything, school etc. I don’t know if it’s because he’s been put on the spot or what but it shocks me to hear him see it as i want him to take some life issues more seriously. He’s already got enough personal life issues of his own going on and so he needs to be able to deal with it in a sensible manner. He is only 14 but old enough to consider his actions

what is there exactly that horrified you?
i look at my DS's phone occasionally, i know he will delete things that i might not be amused to see. But I keep telling him - imagine if your phone is lost or stolen, and end up with the police or in wrong hands. Don't have things that would get you in trouble.

That’s exactly what I have said to him. Imagine if what you said as a flippant joke got out to somebody who was in the habit of spreading rumours or the person you texted’s parents checked their phone and did something about. There are a lot of us who check their messages. That one person is all it takes to get this innocent person into serious trouble. I just hope he has a good think about what we have discussed regarding consequences of people’s actions