Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Am I over-protective?

11 replies

wishfultinkerer · 19/01/2020 17:01

My DD, aged just turned 15, tells me I am way over-protective compared to her friends’ parents. Am I over-reacting or being sensible? My DD had been looking forward to a party – apparently the ‘birthday boy’ (16) had booked a function room in a nearby hotel. But the night before the party, I was told it was in his house instead – 5 km away. I asked for the address, his full name, how my DD knew the boy (his little brother is in her class) and the parents’ phone number (I don’t know them or the boy) to check if they would be there. When she couldn’t get the parents’ number, she and her two friends (aged 14) decided to go out to dinner instead. So, they decided at 6pm on a Saturday night that they would go to a Nando’s in the city centre (small city of 300,000) next to a dodgy street where in the past 6 months alone a 15-year-old has been shot and a McDonalds put under lockdown because of a stabbing. I said they could go to our local high street instead which they did. But then, after dinner, and after telling me they were taking a taxi straight from the restaurant to one of the friend’s houses to have a sleepover, they walked 1.5 miles, at 9pm to some shops near their school and called a taxi from there. When I found out, I made my DD come home and miss the sleepover. So here’s the thing, one girls’ mother was willing to drive the girls to and pick up from the party, but wasn’t bothered about knowing if an adult would be there. The other mother was happy to drop the girls off at Nando’s and they’d get a taxi back (from the dodgy street). Neither seemed upset that the girls said they were taking a taxi home but walked to some shops a mile and a half away instead. Over-reacting or sensible? What limits should a (recently turned) 15-year-old have? I guess I should add that she is usually sensible, but last time she went out with her friends (to a park) she called me to come get her and I found her drunk, covered in mud, crying and throwing up – and her friends had left.

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 19/01/2020 17:11

You kind of are. Setting some rules and boundaries is fine, micromanaging every single location,mode of transport,decision etc isn't.

You need to find the right balance or your daughter might stop telling you things,or worse not ring you when she really needs you.

lljkk · 20/01/2020 19:23

How long ago was this drunken episode? Why does she want to hang out with these people if they don't look after each other.

Your DD didn't go to the party b/c she couldn't get the number to send to you? Why is a 5km difference in party location so important.

Yes I am more relaxed than OP but I admit finding a 14-15yo drunk & alone in the dark would upset me, too.

wishfultinkerer · 21/01/2020 18:46

That episode was about a month ago which is probably why I'm hyper vigilant and don't have much faith in her friends. But PanicAndRun has a good point about striking a balance. DD has confided in me a lot and I don't want to lose that.

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 27/01/2020 10:18

i'd say you are, but friends leaving her drunk and alone are a massive red flag.

Rollergirl11 · 28/01/2020 10:37

Her friends leaving her whilst drunk is concerning and I would be worried about those friends.

But you requesting the number for the parents of the boy who’s party it was is probably a tad extreme. Is your DD in Year 10? And the boy in Year 11? From what my DD tells me parties/gavs (gatherings) at this age are generally informal. The parents may be there but quite possibly not. I doubt the parents would even know who is coming so they might have found it a bit strange receiving a phone call from you. If DD’s friends Mum was taking and picking up from the party I probably would have been satisfied with that. More happier with that then them getting a taxi back from Nando’s tbh. At least the party was in a somewhat controlled environment with an end time established.

mrsm43s · 28/01/2020 16:31

Same age daughter.

When it comes to parties, I need to at least vaguely know the person holding the party (e.g. school friend etc), and DH or I drop off and pick up. I wouldn't ask for parents numbers etc or necessarily expect an adult to be there. I trust my daughter to behave without adult supervision, and she knows we are on the end of the phone, and would come and get her if she felt uncomfortable for any reason.

Happy for daughter to go out with friends for meals, but if in evening I would always drop off/pick up for safety reasons, despite living in a very safe area. During the day, happy for her to get a bus/train. I wouldn't really be comfortable with 14 year olds getting taxis after dark, we'd just collect ourselves.

If I'd gone to pick her up from the park and found her drunk/in a state she'd have been grounded for a bloody long time until she could convince me she was sensible enough to look after herself. I think this is your big issue.

Windyone · 28/01/2020 16:34

Just turned 15? I don’t think you’re being over protective. I agree that if I had found my daughter in that state she would be grounded for a long time for her own safety.

Calmonthesurfacebut · 28/01/2020 19:14

I struggle with this too op and it’s something that has come up recently and we haven’t had any drunken situations to blur the lines! Walking together to the shops wouldn’t be an issue. If her friends left her on her own again, that would.

I would not have phoned the parents but would have dropped off and picked up. I would have also reiterated that if she was in the least bit drunk, you wouldn’t let her do anything like this again for a long time!

Trust needs to be earned again after the park situation, if she’s got any sense she would make sure she doesn’t let you down.

GreenTulips · 28/01/2020 19:18

Her friends left her? That’s a no from me!

Mine know to look after each other and aware they could make a situation worse if they don’t call adults or ambulance etc as necessary.

DD stayed with a boy recently who was drunk on the beach his friends having left. She couldn’t carry him off the beach so waited for the police to arrive.

She didn’t know him or his friends. She did the right thing.

Patch23042 · 28/01/2020 19:25

I agree with the majority. I think you’re micromanaging her and being a bit OTT..... but the incident in the park was appalling and it’s understandable why you’ve been worried since.

I’d tell her that you will cut her some slack on the basis of what she’s said, but make it clear that if she gets drunk again, she’ll have lost your trust and as such, she will be grounded.

Craftycorvid · 28/01/2020 20:11

Is this the same group of friends who buggered off and left her in a vulnerable state? I’d not be impressed with them, but don’t let one episode (which your child has almost certainly learned from) make you over-react. For the record, had I been found drunk in a park I’d still be grounded now, and my mum would definitely still be referring to the incident. Please don’t become my mum! Smile

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread