13 year old

[Applejack87]

Hi , our dd will be 14 in a few months , we are having problems with her general attitude & the way in which she speaks to us . We understand that it’s all part of growing up & try to support her . However things have got really difficult she comes home from school in a fowl mood daily , she did have problems with a particular kid but that has blown over . A lot of her friends have a lot of freedom travelling to far out shopping centres & pretty much doing what they want at the weekend
Our Dd is has activities at the weekend which us enjoys & is doing well in but she now wants to give it up to go out shopping & hanging out at the weekend
Am I being unreasonable ? Should I let her out once she’s done her homework etc ?

I think 14 is a pretty good age for more freedom, I'd talk to her about scaling back weekend activities and going out with her friends, BUT with conditions

-she has to text you every x hours
-you have to know where she is and who she's with
-going out on the weekend is contingent on her behaving during the week
-homework must be done (or done enough, ie there's time for it to happen on Sunday if she goes out Saturday)

Activities are great for younger kids but as your teen gets older she's likely to want more control over her own free time, which is very normal and good prep for adult life.

I think I'd separate out the issues in your mind. So... her attitude and how she speaks to you. As you know that she comes home in a foul mood from school, I'd have a plate of food waiting for her (a snack) and a drink and just call a cheery hello from the living room, say ' snacks for you on the side!' and don't say a word more. Anything else merely stokes it. Let her come to you and talk

I wouldn't allow her to speak to you rudely. My youngest is 13 and he's generally just fine but on the odd occasion he's been rude, I tell him sternly that I don't like it and he's to stop immediately and that I'm disappointed and then I walk away. He always comes with a sheepish apology afterwards.

Re the going out. Mine doesn't want to go to shopping centres etc so I've not encountered this issue with him really - he plays online with friends and when he does go out, it's to their houses or popping into town locally on a weekend. I'd start to allow it building up , in your case. At 13 it would be a no to hanging round a shopping centre after school. It would be a yes to going there with friends on a Saturday. So there's compromise to be had

Thankyou so much for your advice the teen years can be difficult for us & the kids . I would like her to have independence but yes there would have to be conditions , I do worry as she also likes to hang out with the cool kids that sometimes do get into mischief , we’ve had discussions about it and she knows right from wrong

Don’t agree to her giving up hobbies to hang around shopping centres...

I agree , I appreciate that teens want to hang out with their friends but that’s all her group of friends do . I also don’t want her hanging around the streets

I also agree to not giving up hobbies for hanging out with friends
They fall in and out of friendships so quickly these days
A hobby or a skill will always help especially if it is enjoyed by the child.
Maybe negotiate that she can do it one of two days preferably a Friday or weekend depending on calendar.
We always allow flexibility on weekends and half terms etc but have always maintained weekdays are for school, clubs and work related things for both the children and us.