Am I too controlling?

[Paddlinglikehell]

My dd is 15 and been bullied so badly, we’ve moved schools. Part of it was she received messages saying things like ‘no one f—-ing likes you, go kill yourself’ and another from a girl who was a friend saying ‘if you want to be friends with us again, there are things you need to do....’

She had what can only describe as a breakdown and now is seeing a therapist.

At night her phone stays downstairs and I do check it most nights for any horrid messages. However her Instagram is on my phone and hers, it always was since she was too young to have it. I know she has other accounts I don’t access.

She thinks it is wrong I check the phone at night and whilst I don’t post on Insta anymore, doesn’t like the fact I can see the messages in the main account - it was this one that had the awful messages on.

I don’t feel totally happy about it and play it down - so I won’t say I’ve checked it or comment ob anything she posts But I feel happier knowing I can check she hasn’t had any more death messages.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just remove everything and let her get on with it? Unfortunately she has a mild learning difficulty too, which complicates things a little.

Thanks.

I don't know...given her history it's not surprising you want to keep an eye on things. But I have a 15 year old and can't imagine being able to check her instagram messages.

I trust that she'll come to me if anything goes wrong...and she does. She came to me when a boy in her class sent her harrassing messages and she came to me when some of the class turned on a different boy and were bullying him.

DId she originally come to you about the bullying? Or did you find out? Does she discuss things with you? Is she a mature 15 or quite young for her age?

My DD is soon to be 16...and that's old enough to leave school, have a full time job...all kinds of things. So I can't imagine checking up on her.

But as I say...your DD's past clouds things a lot.

I completely understand the urge to keep an eye on the situation, but by not allowing her any privacy you're basically punishing her for being bullied, and telling her that you don't trust her to talk to you about these things.

She's at a different school, she's seeing a therapist - the bullying has been dealt with and now you need to let her move on and grow and become an adult. Its scary, but you have to let go a little or you'll stop her learning how to manage these things by herself.

I'd keep it.
The deal is you don't check it every night, but you reserve the option to check it if you're concerned but you'd want her to tell you if there are any issues.
I pointed out to my DD (bit younger) that it's also a deterrent to potential bullies if they know your messages are potentially seen by parents too.

I agree you should keep monitoring her messages and phone. But what may be bothering her is there is no end in sight for when you would stop and trust her to come to you?
Maybe have a word with her therapist and see if her completing therapy or a major goal within her therapy that would be a good milestone to hand her back her privacy and trust her?

I think she would be more accepting and you less controlling if it were clear that your monitoring is temporary not permanent. And it really is because can you imagine still monitoring her phone and reading all her messages when she turns 18?

God this is hard my dd is 26 i had this but on Msn when she was that age so no phone anyway I handled it like you and for a whike she clammed up and told me nothing, I think respecting their privacy and supporting them. Can you assure her you are just skimming messages to make sure she is safe andnot really reading or bothering about her other messages?

I'd be chatting with her about it and say you aren't in the slightest bit concerned or interested in her chatty messages but you need to be able to look when you feel the need. Tell her you won't be checking every day and tell her you're happy to tell her you're doing so before you do.

You're a parent. It's part of your job description to protect her and that's what you'll do - just as she will in the future when she's got her own children. I used that line on my 13 year old DS and it surprisingly gave him food for thought

Exactly, you're her I aren't and you'll do what's necessary to protect her. On school nights I charge DDs phone over night. When my DC are under 16 they know I will do spot checks on phone and lap tops at any time (I do have a nose when their phone is charging) This probably just means they're very good at covering their traces. A bit like they probably bin the apple & carrot sticks from their packed lunch, but I wouldn't be doing my job if they weren't offered.