Disrespectful 17 yr old.....

[Akrotiri1]

How do I deal with a teenager that tells me to 'f**k off' if I make any attempt to discipline him?

At my wits end...…..

‘OK’

Any further requests for clean clothes, money or lifts can be met with silence.

Natural consequences

Been there done it...….has no impact sadly

I'm going to follow this thread, as my teens are so disrespectful at times, shouting and swearing at me if I say no or they don't get what they want. I don't shout nor swear but they can go on for hours and I can't remove their phones as they would literally physically hurt me if I tried , I've even tried physically disconnecting the WiFi and parental controls which they just reconnect or disable.

The majority of the time I'm taking deep breaths, responding with, "Don't be aggressive and don't swear at me" and walking away as I'm not arguing with a screaming unreasonable firecracker at that time who is itching for someone to argue with.

I usually follow it up with a text or WhatsApp that says same. and I repeat the record over.

Then I have something to point out to them (they deny it otherwise!! ) the next day or two when they are calm enough to talk to safely and with some sense of reason. It mostly works, as they feel bad and apologetic, but not always. But then, heyho, I just start again and move on, having pointed out what in immediate future I won't be helping them with if they can't treat me with respect and kindness. My teens, who are usually lovely, but not always, seem to gave a great line in acting shockingly entitled at times and get irate over reasonable requests and boundaries,

Good luck OP, hopefully others might come along with recommended texts or strategies .. (other than the 'remove everything they care about' suggestions which aren't as helpful as they might appear)

Thanks and glad to see I am not alone in this issue.

It's not just the swearing, but the total disrespect for anything I say or do - I try to set 'boundaries' but they just get ignored. If any form of 'punishment' is used, such as removal of wi-fi etc, I then get verbal abuse or he starts to smash things up....

Tbh if his behaviour continues, the minute he is 18, his bags will be packed and the locks changed. My mental health is down the pan, I can't remember the last night I slept, and just can't continue as things are.....

Don't worry I am well aware that the problem has not recently arised - the day his father walked out when he was 12yrs, was when it all started - he has tried to dominate me to get what he wants ever since......

He has been in trouble at school, been in trouble with the police, has drug and alcohol issues, and has now dropped out of college. He has no respect for anyone in authority.....

I have tried to get help - social services were involved for a while but made no impact, I tried charity helplines such as 'Frank' but despite good advise, have found no way of getting through to him.

His behaviour is intolerable and it is making me ill.

I can never understand these three when kids are behaving like shits and parents are still paying for their phones.
There are other ways of cutting WiFi too. Change password, take modem away.
Failing that ring the provider and report phone lost and they will cut it off.
You have absolute power here. There phones/net are their lifeline and they need you to pay for it.
I know it's hard as I'm on teen 4 and none of them have been easy at all but I don't pay for their luxuries while they are deciding to be abusive.

And op. If he smashes stuff up when you remove WiFi then call the police. He can't go through his life doing that with no consequence so he may as well learn now.
He's abusive anyway so removing WiFi won't make any difference.

I understand.
We don't have the swearing. Dh wouldn't tolerate it. Saying that Ds1 did swear once. Dh took his phone, WiFi, everything.

But the underlying ungrateful ness and lack of respect is still there.

It sound like he is very angry and has a lot of resentment about your DH, is he also copying abusive behaviour your ex had?
I know it doesn't help but therapists often say that kids act out the most on the parent who is the stable rock whose love they are more sure of rather than the one who left or was abusive.

Have you been to the GP or can you self refer him for counselling on the nhs in your area? If not, a lot of places offer a sliding scale of fees if money is an issue. If you can get him there family therapy could help. faliling that I'd have a quiet talk with him, maybe go out with him for a walk to a local beauty spot or turn off the tv etc and sit down with some drinks and nibbles and talk very clamly with him, be prepared to hear things you don't agree with and are painful but don't counter just nod and acknowledge his point of view and maybe comment "I'd no idea you felt that way, that must be painful etc". It might clear the air a bit. Perhaps it could lead to a discussion about future plans (e.g. a return to college, an apprenticeship, job etc) and perhaps discuss together some house rules, for example, let him know how hurt being told to F off makes you feel and agree not to use that terminology. Or that you feel scared when he does x or y and it makes you feel undafe. For every concession he makes, try to make one yourself. You may find a way to rub along together. I wouldn't cut off wifi or phones etc.

Nothing will be solved in a day, as you already know and it sounds like you have really been put through the mill already. It's going to be a long uphill struggle with many footsteps backward on the journey but try to always show him you love him and are there for him, keep faith that things will improve. Don't drawn into dramas and arguments.

If he has taken on the role of the "abusive man of the house" then looking at a programme for yourself such as the Freedom program (Living with the dominator) could help.