At my wits end with DS(15) and his unhealthy relationship with troubled gf

[Goldenlantern]

NC for this as it could be fairly outing. Firstly I’m sorry this is long, and a bit garbled as I’m sleep deprived with worry on this, so bear with me! I’ll try to include as much details as possible and not drip feed. DS (15) has had a girlfriend for the last 3 or so months - similar age. She seems extremely needy and clingy and seems to have latched onto my DS. I have met her mum, and it was mentioned that she’s got MH issues (anxiety/depression) and that she is bullied on and off at school, and has had to move schools before. Her home life is unstable and her dad is in and out of their lives, gf tells ds she doesn’t particularly like her dad anyway, and that she is generally unhappy. However all of this seems to translate into her needing to be on the phone to ds for hours at a time, it sounds like she is offloading and he is constantly reassuring her and trying to offer words to help her, often sounds like he is almost pleading with her. I often wonder whether any of what she is saying about her home life etc is 100% true and whether she’s just embellishing it all to get attention from my ds. He doesn’t seem happy in this relationship. It’s like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, he’s sullen and withdrawn and he often feels so angry because of how bad he perceives his gf’s situation to be that he’ll punch tree trunks or walls and grazes his knuckles. He’s often tired because he’s up late at night worrying about her. I feel powerless, if I tried to tell him he is not to see her it’d just drive them closer together and drive a further wedge between me and him. It just doesn’t seem like a healthy, happy go lucky relationship like it should be at their age it’s full of dependency and need, and so intense, but not in the usual way. Everyone else tells me I just need to ride it out and it’ll all be over before I know it but they seem very much bound together and I can’t see either of them ending things. I just don’t know what I can say or do to, if anything. It doesn’t help that ds doesn’t open up much to me or his dad - we aren’t together and he divides his time between us 50/50 which doesn’t help communication either. He will however open up to his dad’s partner so at least he’s talking to someone.
I guess I’m just looking for a hand hold, or advice from anyone else who has been through the same. I just want him to be happy and I hate seeing him so preoccupied and troubled by someone else’s life like this.

I'd be wary of the 'it won't last' comments. My friend's son has been in a relationship with his girlfriend now for two years and neither is 16 yet! They're having sex and the relationship is unhealthy as the girlfriend is jealous and controlling.

My advice would be to try to expose your son to as much other influence as possible.

Pay for him to go somewhere for a week if possible. Organise for him to do an extra curricular that he's interested in.

@BillHadersNewWife I also know of couples who are now adults who met at a similar age and still together. So I have got a niggling idea that this could be it for DS also (fingers tightly crossed for otherwise)

I have a 16yo ds who has had 2 or 3 ‘serious’ girlfriends (1year or so). IME few of these relationships are free and easy, (what I wanted them to be,) because so many 15yo teens, especially girls, are struggling mentally and emotionally and can’t be free or easy themselves.

My ds has now been with his current girlfriend for one year and she’s coming up 16 too - they still have emotional arguments/stresses and he worries about her when she argues with her parents or is all hormonal BUT it is reducing as they all mature and grow in confidence. She is really lovely BTW.

My only advice is to keep a close eye but appear detached. Make sympathetic noises about how ‘this too will pass’ etc and try not to worry too much. He will learn and grow and, if it’s not for him, disengage slowly and probably not repeat.

Be open with him about your concerns is my advice. Stay calm and do not criticise the girlfriend but explore how the relationship is affecting him. You can explain that we should never be responsible for someone else's wellbeing, as this won't help the person in the long run. Check she is getting counselling/ the support she needs and keep reminding him that this is where she can explore her problems. He can be a friend but not her main support. If he can accept that he is not responsible for her he will be able to back away when he's ready. Maybe look at some resources on healthy teen relationships. www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/sex/healthy-relationships/

Get your ds to take her bowling or some group activities with their friends where she can see that he loves her when out with their friends and she might not seem so needy.
Also the phone time is quite normal my 16 year old dd is constantly onto her bf and him to her. She has had about 5 bfs each last a couple months then just move onto the next. She says current one is the best thinks she going to marry him
I never meet any of them.

Horseradish is giving good advice. I had something similar - ds even had sessions with the college counsellor who was supporting the gf so he could understand better how to cope with her. He did so well that her family tried to bribe him to stay with her as he was taking the pressure off them. When he eventually tried to leave because he realised that it was not the relationship/partner he really wanted,, she repeatedly threatened to kill herself and it took a long time for him to extract himself from a very nasty situation. We never said anything bad or negative about the gf, but showed ds that we were concerned about him and that there was other support for her if he stepped back.

Thank you everyone for your advice