I'm a shit parent

[Whitegrenache]

Dd 14 this week is an amazing feisty character who I adore. Recently getting into trouble at school for being defiant, and belligerent in one class only- maths. We Suspect it's an issue is with teacher but we are punishing detentions etc with removal of phone and restrictions of privileges.

Dd has a little job working very physically hard with horses maybe once a month and all the adults adore her and says she is conscientious hardworking and a pleasure to have around which makes me extremely proud.

Back to school this week and again getting disruptive reports from maths teacher and detention given

In the grand scheme of things it's not major behaviour issues and 90% of the time she's lovely and amazing.

I'm breaking my heart tonight as I feel like I have massively failed as a mum.

She has a maths tutor, I pay for private counselling and can't do anymore to support her.

I may be a bit vague in this post ( disclaimer- drank bottle of prosecco) but all my friends children seem to be thriving and my dd seems to be declining at school and im so frustrated

Give yourself a break. Most teenagers are complete shitbags. You're doing great.

Lots of people go through this with their teens. Keep doing what you’re doing and chances are it will all come out in the wash.

I have a 13 year old son. I'm finding parenting him hard. I also feel like everyone elses teens are brilliant and saint like.
You are doing your best. That's all we can do.

I have 2, and 1 coming up the rear.

Honestly if you can get through the day without killing them your doing ok.

Keep drinking the prosecco x

thanks
I went to tuck her in tonight and she told me to leave

My ds 10 came and give me cuddles which made me cry even more

Ok, firstly your friends children may appear to be thriving but id say there are plenty of similarities to you situation going on behind closed doors...your dd sounds very similar to mine..mine also 90% an absolute gem..other 10% a moody bloody nightmare having meltdowns over certain subjects..one of 2 things could be happening...your dd is really struggling with a subject (even with tutoring) or dd and teacher have locked horns and had a clash of personalities with your dd looking the worst because her frustration is causing her behaviour to overstep the mark. Its hard to try and reverse this when it happens but i would nip in for a chat with teacher and take it from there but dont sit and feel you have failed..this is totally normal behaviour at this age and all those "perfect people with perfect children" are going through pretty much similar scenarios

It's unfortunate that it's maths as it's an important subject but other than sit next to her in school there's not much more you can do. You're already paying for extra maths so she's lucky to have that. Doesn't mean to say she won't pass and they have to retake until they pass so if it's the teacher and her not clicking don't worry. Overall it doesn't sound terrible. Teenagers are nightmares at times. Don't beat yourself up. Another day it'll be fine.

We Suspect it's an issue is with teacher
please do not blame the teacher, you’ve said she’s ‘fiesty’ which often is the polite term for cheeky & defiant.
I find it a bit much when parents trill on about how adored, amazing their DC are, very similar to another post tonight when the DM couldn’t accept a teacher saying her son was arrogant. You’re the only one who thinks she’s perfect, everyone else sees them for what they are. Teenager can be horrible nightmares so please get used to her not being adored or very likeable.
p.s 14 yr olds don’t really need tucked in, put the helicopter away 😉

I have a 14 year old DD. She isn’t in trouble at school and doesn’t have a job but her attitude towards me at home is terrible. Don’t be too hard on yourself OP lots to be thankful for by the sound of it.

If it's only one class, you're surely doing an excellent job!

I was disruptive in the majority of my classes and I am certain my mum did a fantastic job, I just did not see the point of school at all. I left with no qualifications and did some crap jobs for a few years but later studied as a mature student and have a good career as an accountant. One of my brothers was the same and is now a civil engineer. Another brother was never academically minded, he went on to dj in his teens/20s, work in IT in his 30s and is now a qualified outdoor activities leader in his 40s.

School really isn't the be all and end all of life. Especially when it's only one class.

please do not blame the teacher

If a child is doing badly in one class only surely it is only sensible to consider all factors...including the teacher?

Dd 14 this week is an amazing feisty character who I adore. Recently getting into trouble at school for being defiant, and belligerent in one class only- maths. We Suspect it's an issue is with teacher but we are punishing detentions etc with removal of phone and restrictions of privileges.

She sounds a bit of a pain, actually, but lots of teens are.

You're no doubt doing your best and I'm sure you don't really think you're a "shit parent".

Lots of people get tearful when pissed. Go and sleep off the prosecco and things will look brighter in the morning (once the headache wears off ).

Ah thanks all -

Believe me I don't have rose tinted glasses with regard to dd and yes feisty can mean belligerent and a pain in the arse! However it is only in one class!
Today is another day and I am going to support her with her homework and put sanctions in place for her when disruptive.

According to DD she asked to go to the toilet in maths - teacher refused- she asked again- teacher says why - what is so urgent - Dd said she needed to go due to being in her period (this is true) she then was asked to leave the class...

Teacher wrote in her planner she had been disruptive and had done no work in class.
I looked in her maths book and She has one page full of sums so she did some work!

There are definite issues with the teacher as the head of year has told me - the whole class is disruptive and he often needs head of maths to come in and supervise his teaching which I do feel for him .

Anyway I have asked for the teachers viewpoint and we will see what the actual story was when I get both points of view

I went to tuck her in tonight and she told me to leave

I'm guessing now she's 14 she feels too old / grown up to be tucked in. DS did the same. We just give goodnight kisses and hugs now. It's a bit of a twinge isn't it.

PS I don't usually tuck her in! Just went to give her cuddles and say goodnight 🤣

My son did shit at school, hated anything academic, I was phoned and called in all the time, eventually he got a place at an alternative education centre where they did core subjects and mechanics, something he was really interested in, still had some issues, he was a normal teen at home nothing major going on, he left the centre, got an apprenticeship, he's on more than most apprentices, just had a pay rise, big bonus for Xmas, garage said best lad they've had. My point is I wouldn't worry, I used to cry and worry all the time, but then I realised school is a very small part of their lives, an I knew deep down once he left he would do so much better and he has xx

Ah, I see. We give DS cuddles on 'neutral grounds (living room) so once he's in bed we don't disturb him

You’re not a shit parent. Teens can be shits though!! (I have one!!!!!!)
Sounds like she did need to leave the class so didn’t just get on with more work when she was told to. Teacher didn’t believe she had a real reason so punished suspected disruptive behaviour.
If I was that teacher I would actually welcome the chance to apologise and perhaps ask the student if we could agree a New Year New Start? A meeting? Or would DD not be amenable to that? sometimes treating teens a bit more like an adult (if you’re the teacher) reaps dividends.

I'm in a really similar situation with my 13 yo dd who weirdly also has an issue with her maths teacher! At the last parents evening all dds teachers said how lovely she is, hard working etc and no issues. This year she's had a different maths teacher and she seems to have spent more time being sent out the class than being in it!!

I absolutely agree dd should listen in class and be respectful but she's been sent out of the class for putting her hand up, asking to go to the toilet, breathing too loudly, lending a friend a ruler.... it does seem a bit ott.

Also comparing your dd to friends kids is pointless. Everyone struggles at some point and no one gets through life completely unscathed.

I don't have teenagers yet, but I thought detention was a punishment already, do parents of teenagers give a punishment on top of the school's punishment?

I may of course eat my words in 7 years' time, but I thought class disruption have been dealt with by getting detention, you as a family can just move on and have your normal family time / horse etc time.

Both you and your daughter sounds lovely I wouldn't worry at all.

My dd always has bother with Spanish teacher they just clash. Teacher kept emailing me or ring me to I told her at parent teacher meeting it needs to stop.
Either teach her or put her out off class. She was affecting my dd mental health with the constant put downs making snide remarks to her. Like are you in bad humour today again or you are very pale are you I'll.
She would say it in front off other students and constantly saying she hadn't done homework and I know it was because I had sat with her to she had it done a few of the times. My dd loved Spanish wanted to do as an A level but now hates it. The teacher told her she had no hope of passing in her target GCse report. I hope my dd can prove her wrong but she never wants to do Spanish again after GCSE.
So it's not always the teenagers fault.
All her other teachers praised her on her manners and work.

Chances are she won't have the same maths teacher next year. Sometimes there are personality clashes and you just don't get on with particular kids. It happens.

One page of sums sounds not enough for an hour's work in maths though. Maybe it's the way she speaks to the teacher rather than the words?

She sounds like a normal teen, I really wouldn't worry. They all have teachers they like/don't and periods of time where they're twats and then other periods of time where they're angelic.

Not letting her go to the toilet when she's on her period is actually pretty bad. It sounds as though he needs a bit of supervision, given he clearly doesn't have control of the class.

And yes, your DD absolutely has to stop being belligerent and disruptive, but there are two sides to this.

The rest if normal 14yo behaviour. Is she in Yr 9 or Yr 10? I found Yr 9 the absolute pits in terms of teenage behaviour, it got a lot better in Yr 10.